was this to harsh

[LionsandBears]

You might want to get him assessed for ADD/ADHD or something. I've recently been dx with ADD. It's not the end of the world. Symptoms can include an inability to concentrate on something for more long, inability to tidy up, time wasting, can't find things, can focus on things they enjoy to the exclusion of all others. It makes study difficult.

Even if it's not that - how could there be no issues if he feels his mother has rejected him? That would be devastating for any kid. Maybe some family therapy might help. Unfortunately, some counsellors are better than others. I've seen some bad/ineffective ones Your DH not disciplining him cos he feels he's been held to ransom re: returning to his Mum isn't going to work. This kid needs to feel loved and be the kid. His Dad can't be the needy kid too - IYKWIM?

And I agree with kirsty lee - your DH has to take the lead role on this, otherwise you're the evil stepmonster.

GL

[MantaRay]

There can be a fine line between ADD/ADHD and not being challenged enough too. Often it's a bit of both, and doing more to challenge them can be as effective as any other treatment for ADHD such as medication.

Diet is very much linked also. These kids generally react to preservatives and sugar, so the failsafe diet is well worth trying. Also, fish oil supplemements can be helpful for concentration also.

[kawazuki]

He says he gets bored, has he done the test at school to show what level of education he is? My mate's sister rebelled from boredom and turns out she was super smart and school wasn't wearing her out/challenging her. Other possible tests are ADHD as previously mentioned or dyslexia? Also have you tried getting him say painting stuff/sketching stuff? might need a creative outlet.

Good work on the diciplining though, better sooner then later and you may feel like the evil stepmother but you're doing the right thing

this is it he is a very smart kid, in top 10% for maths and reading and spelling.
his creative writing is the only bit that lets him down.

we try and engage him in more complex things and give him harder puzzles etc to do.
i try and encourage him to draw and do crafty stuff with me, but he gets cranky if i set rules on it, like keep the stuff on the kitchen table and not the walls lol.

i have thought of ADHD a few times, just with his mood swings and outbursts.
but so unsure..

his school work, does get left behind and he often tells us he gets bored at school as he has finished his work. and i agree he isnt being challanged enough at school but in a composite class its hard.

[kawazuki]

There can be a fine line between ADD/ADHD and not being challenged enough too. Often it's a bit of both, and doing more to challenge them can be as effective as any other treatment for ADHD such as medication.

Diet is very much linked also. These kids generally react to preservatives and sugar, so the failsafe diet is well worth trying. Also, fish oil supplemements can be helpful for concentration also.

this is a very good point MR
we had him on a multi vitamin for a while and it seemed to calm him a bit we had less outbursts, and he was more reasonable.
that the other thing when he is in his mood there is no reasoning with him or talking to him sensibly he just gets tunnle vision and doesnt listen.

family counselling may be the way to go. all go in sit down and talk in a non threatening environment.

[krysalyss]

Hey there. I think you are right to have made the decision, been clear to him about the consequences of his actions and then followed through.

The only thing I would say is that it is important the consequences are related to the action. For example if he broke something of yours he would need to fix it etc. General rudeness is unacceptable because it makes other people feel bad and he needs to know it has that effect on people by explaining (without lecturing) how you feel. If you still think it is appropriate for something like spending time with his granddad to be taken away make sure you explain to him why it is an appropriate consequence. Otherwise unrelated punishments are harder for them to understand and they are more likely to feel hurt and bitter by it. I guess the whole point is so they understand why rules are there in the first place and not just take you word for it, because as an adult he will need to have an understanding of why rules/social norms exist and what the real consequences of breaking them are (e.g. being rude to friends makes them less likely to want to hang around)

HTH. If it helps, every parent with a toddler is going through the same thing

[mrsmac]

I think you have done the right thing, children actaully quite like boundaries and rules because it shows them that you care enought to enforce them. You must follow through if you threaten something otherwise he won't take you seriously.

Obviously I can't tell a lot from what you have said but have you thought of an autism spectrum disorder? Please forgive me if I am out of line but some of the things you have said can be pointers to that eg no good at creative writing but very bright at Maths/spelling, not liking crafty things but liking DS and Xbox.
I second the failsafe diet idea, it worked wonders on my DS who is a wild man!

I think you are handling a difficult situation brilliantly, it must be very hard to have a stepchild and other kids and it is obvious from your post that you are a very loving and caring parent.

[kirsty_lee]

The thing that alot of people don't realise when you say ADD/ADHD is that it's not just behavioural. And they think your just talking about naughty kids. But I know with my brother, even though he could be EXTREMELY aggressive his concentration was absolutely shocking. He couldn't sit and listen in class, couldn't do assignments his attention span was pretty much non existant.

[kawazuki]

you have all made some great points. thank you.

he does enjoy drawing but he has to copy something. his reading level is way above average.

concentration span, um yeh non existant unless its x box of ds or computer games or tv.

he is being punished for his rudeness and lying so lack of trust adn respect for people, so we feel that not letting him go camping is valid, as he has been unable to show us any respect or speak nicely to us so we feel he wouldnt be able to do that to his grandfather, and he doesnt but he just puts up with it.

day 1 begins. already had slight melt down, over having to have plain milk today and not flavoured milk. my response well you are having milk so drink it you dont always need it to be flavoured with crap lol

[kawazuki]

2nd melt down,
asked him to put new clean clothes on. man, he has had the same jeans on whic are grass stained and dirty for 5 days, he still argued the point.
same jumper which is same grass stains and dirty.

have also thought about getting his eyes and hearing checked as he regularly complains of head aches , but its hard to convince al to get these things checked out it took me 6 months to cionvince him to get cody to talk to a counsellor..

[bubno.3]

Im just going to congratulate you for being a great role model for this young boy! Tough love is always tough but as the others have said 'like toddlers if we as parents dont follow through with consequences kids will get away with murder (so to speak)'
I know all too well of 9 yr old behaviour and how rude and arrogant they can be as i have a 9 yr old boy myself. Another thing to remember dont forget about 'growth spurts' and spurts in testosterone as this can alter behaviour sometimes as well. BUt after saying that your child still needs rules and boundaries having growth spurts or not.

I think the removing the bedroom doors and toilet paper is a brilliant ides .... Dr Phil type rule but if it works well use it.

And lastly i have stepsons as well but they are older 14 and 18 and god do i know all about moods ..... and all about their dad feeling guilty too if he puts too harsch rules down they will just leave home .... so darling i hear you and i take my hat off... !

[mrsmac]

Take him to the optometrist, they bulk bill then you can cross that off the list.
Men are hopeless aren't they ?? NOTHING would get done with the kids if I left it to DH!

[AllisD]

I have a 10 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. I would have to say that maybe you should let him go on the camping trip - if there is still time to let him go - and let him clear his head.

Maybe he needs some time-out and being out bush helps give him this. Away from noise, computers, tv, xbox etc.

Kids need time away from distractions just to think too. Think about what you do to relax and then think about what he does to relax. Does he have enough non-electrical time? ie without tv xbox etc? Although kids think they are relaxing they really arent and their minds are still going a mile a minute.

Just a thought

All the best

AllisD

[kawazuki]

I have a 10 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. I would have to say that maybe you should let him go on the camping trip - if there is still time to let him go - and let him clear his head.

Maybe he needs some time-out and being out bush helps give him this. Away from noise, computers, tv, xbox etc.

Kids need time away from distractions just to think too. Think about what you do to relax and then think about what he does to relax. Does he have enough non-electrical time? ie without tv xbox etc? Although kids think they are relaxing they really arent and their minds are still going a mile a minute.

Just a thought

All the best

AllisD

we did think of this, but every time he does something wrong there is never any real punishment he is always allowed to still go away still go to the pool still go camping etc and it hasnt helped.

i understand what your saying and there is no distractions today, as i have a uni assignment to finish and the tv, x box, ds, computers are all banned today so he has his books, imagination and box full of cars and toys to amuse himself with.

he couldnt even let my DD enjoy her special present from the dummy fairies this morning, he had to go and open it all up for her, she is 2 and capable for doing it herself, yet if someone does this to him he hits teh roof and the world is gonna end.
he is very selfish sometimes and doesnt understand share very well

[bubno.3]

I have a 10 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. I would have to say that maybe you should let him go on the camping trip - if there is still time to let him go - and let him clear his head.

Maybe he needs some time-out and being out bush helps give him this. Away from noise, computers, tv, xbox etc.

Kids need time away from distractions just to think too. Think about what you do to relax and then think about what he does to relax. Does he have enough non-electrical time? ie without tv xbox etc? Although kids think they are relaxing they really arent and their minds are still going a mile a minute.

Just a thought





AllisD

i do agree with the really relaxing without the electronics however the child wont ever learn if he gets to do the things that he really enjoys .....after being a little pain in the bum!
All the best

[AllisD]

Hmmm it's a tough one. The one thing that I can say for sure is that 9/10 year old boys can be just as emotional as girls but instead of crying they seem to get cranky and violent and mine also swears alot! Something we have had to punish for a lot lately. He is on school camp this week and I am just waiting for the teachers to call and tell me to come and get him!

We were always told to put our son into some kind of martial arts due to the mental discipline and the physical exertion. Unfortunately we live 150km from town so its not really practical ... but just a thought?

Best of luck with the uni assignment. I have 2 take-home exams in the next 2 weeks!! Scary stuff!

AllisD

[Meo]

I think you've made the right choice to not let him go camping - follow through is very important with rule setting (so I'm told) BUT I think banning the Xbox, DS etc as WELL as not going camping is a little too much. When you discussed the action and consequence type rule system with him, you said there would be one punishment if he gathered three strikes. If you don't let him go camping AND you take away his computer stuff, that's two punishments for the one crime, iykwim?

Otherwise, good on you and good luck with your study today!

[Inanna]

Kawazuki I applaud the gentle and inquiring way that you are handling this...

I find it challenging to hear that kids are pains in the bum or rude or whatever. IMO as soon as you label a person they will live up to it. So I am glad to see you are not doing this.

My DD14 has ASD - and many of the examples you write of your step son are very similar. It has taken really hard work to change things. She has become so much easier to deal with - what changed??? ME! I changed the way I parented her. There is no guideline that fits all kids. So whoever wrote the book on: "do this and this will happen" hasn't had more than one child to parent! Kids I think, work best on reward rather than punishment. A list of expectations that if they are met there is a positive consequence rather than a punishment if they are not done... That changes everything to a positive Energy. So you do a, b and c and this is the reward... I think we all work best with reward rather than punishment... But the reward has to be truly something rewarding to him - not what you think would be rewarding... KWIM???

Steve Biddulph's book Raising Boys is a great read - I think it should be compulsory for all parents of boys. So have a little look at that.

Some children respond well to boundaries. But boundaries can be enforced in different ways.

My ASD daughter needs a written list or she cannot remember anything but the first thing she has been told. When I would say: "You heard me ask you to pick up your shoes, bag and put your lnch box in the dishwasher" - she would pick up her shoes only - because she cannot process auditory directions. She then would become incredibly rude, aggressive and sometimes violent. My response to her not doing what she was asked provoked her aggression. Not because she was being a little sod but because she was incredibly frustrated and angry that she couldn't follow...

So a list is what she got and my goodness the world changed. She is very pedantic so she follows the list to the letter... Not changing clothes was and sometimes still is a huge issue. She just doesnt do it. Personal cleanliness is another pointer to ASD.... The way I deal with it is to ask for her clothes each night. It's a not negotiable that she changes her clothing. I explained that to her, that it wasn't acceptable not to change your clothes so I will be askng for them each night. She did this often with prompting. However with ASD the kids often only want to wear the same thing. So my compromise was that I would wash them and she could wear them the day after when they were dry. She agreed to this and we put it on her list...

So, I think all of us - all human beings are pretty amazing beautiful Beings. There is always a reason why someone misbehaves or doesn't meet boundaries or is rude etc etc. It is usually based in fear, abandonment. Sometimes there is an issue like ASD or ADHD. It's really worth looking at it.

I know essentially I provoke my daughter when I ask her to do something and she doesn't. Because I say.... (or I did!) please do a, b & c... She couldn't so I would say: "why can't you just do what is asked. We all have jobs yadda yadda yadda.... But the reality was it wasn't about not wanting to help it was about not being able to process the request.

Nobody IS a behaviour they are displaying it. When we can change that we also change the expectation we placed on them by name calling. So it is wonderful you are not doing that.

I think you are doing a great job. You are putting in so much time and effort and I think that is amazing - especially in someone so young. Maybe during the time you have with him take him out and do something really special just with him. Maybe an ice cream or a trip to the book shop or library. He isjust a little boy, who's been through a lot. He needs firm boundaries - but he also needs soppy loving...

[mrsmac]

You explained brilliantly what I was trying to express FC, to me he sounds a bit ASD and would respond to guidelines like the ones FC has suggested.