was this to harsh

[kawazuki]

ok some may remember teh issues we are having with DS. well he is 9, and pushing boundaries alot and lying alot and being agressive and rude.

well hubby and me decided we have had enough, we dont need the stress anymore and we know he can behave properly and be nice.

so we sat down and worked out a three strike plan.
basically we said ok you will get three warnings and if you hit 3 you will loose out on a privilage. fair enough we thought. and he could erase a strike by being exceptionally good, or doing a nice thing without being asked. ( he does this occasionally )

well he lost his first strike for arguing screaming slamming draws and doors and being rude in general after being asked to do something.

then second strike was lost for lying, he tried to blame mr nobody on something, ok teh something was making toilet paper balls and throwing them at the bathroom ceiling. um noone else in the house is gonna do it.

third strike was also lost for lying and trying to blame his dad for something he didnt do.

the issue there is he isnt taking responsibikity for his actions, and at 9 i feel he should be able to do this to some extent.

so he isnt going away now for the weekend camping. but has to stay home with me where i will be studying so he will have to amuse himself without tv or the x box or his computer.

but this is what erks me, hubby says its my fault i ahve provoked him, i am just being mean, that i will suffer as well because i will have to put up with him for 2 days.

my response, well he knew the punishment and he did wrong he will recieve the punishment we all sat down and agreed upon. he can not be rude and lie and then get no punishment because that teaches him nothing.
hubby has the poops with me now because im being consistent and stnading my ground with it.

am i being harsh?
i dont think i am, as DS was involved in the process the whole way through and knew what would happen if he lost teh three strikes.

its just this is the first time we have actually followed trhough with it and not given in and let him do what he wanted
and i dont think hubby is handling being the tough parent very well, hed rather let him get away with stuff to keep the peace, but its teaching him nothing.

ahhhh so confused

[[M]umma[M]ia]

what a great plan of attack

I wouldnt have taken his time away camping away.. for me, it would be something he loves.. or does alot.. like his xbox.

[kirsty_lee]

I don't think your being harsh at all. If we don't teach our children the consequences for their actions then what sort of people will the grow up to be kwim? Ava gets 3 warnings and then she is sent to time out. She knows what it means, and will usually stop @ 2. So your son would DEFINATELY know, at 9, what three strikes is going to mean. The other thing is too, does your DS see you and your hubby talk about it? Like does he hear your DH saying it's unfair? Cause that's what use to happen with my brother, he'd see mum and dad argue about it and then knew how to play parent against parent and figured that mum and dad would just give up with the new regime kwim. I totally agree with your method darl, he is old enough to know right from wrong and he needs to learn. Hang in there babe.

[kawazuki]

see he loves camping, loosing his x box is nothing to him, we have taken it before, he still doesnt have his DS back, and doesnt care.

he loves going away and spending time with his grandfather and camping as he doenst have to shwoer or wash or brush his teeth and can play in dirt all day.

we have stopped tv before did nothing, stopped computer time did nothing, stopped him riding his bike to school so i had to drive him, did nothing he didnt care.

but this time i think he is caring and hurting because he was really wanting it. and i think it may just sink in that the behaviour is not allowed. its just so hard. he just ahs a meh i dont care attitude.

[kawazuki]

no he doesnt see us talk about it
we usually do it over txt or when he is in bed. lol

we involved him in the process this time and worked out a punishment hoping it woudl help him understand. but we will see what the next 2 days bring lol

[CrazyLady]

I don't think that's harsh at all. I whole heartedly agree with your plan!

Oh and there always has to be one pushover parent

[kirsty_lee]

I think at that age its all a facade? kwim. My brother was the same at that age. You'd get the "i don't care" attitude and once he was on his own he'd be deeply cut abotu whatever was taken off him. I know it's hard but stick to your guns babe and don't let him go. Cause if you back out now he'll just have you wrapped around his finger and really think he can get away with murder your doing a great job

[kawazuki]

thanks guys

al is such a softy with them, and im the big mean ogre lol

[[M]umma[M]ia]

have you tried making a rewards chart for his good behaviour? Like every star he gets is 10c and if hes bad, he loses 5 or something?

AS for the toilet paper balls... best way to stop that, get rid of the toilet paper. Tell him you have to use washers or something until he is able to stop sticking the toilet paper on the roof. When you DD needs to go.. if she is going yet.. just let her take some with her?

Instead of "asking "him to do something.. mayb do a chores chart? tie that in with the rewards chart. You dont have to have the reward as money.. it can be anything..

if he slams his door.. easy fixed, take his door away. Its not to be slammed and (according to my mum) this is the only thing that stopped us. He will not like having no privacy.


DD needs me..

HTH

[Daydream Believer]

I dont think it was too harsh at all. He had 3 chances

[kawazuki]

thanx mumma mia

we tried the rewards chart but didnt work, once again hubby didnt stick to it. he isnt one for consistency lol.
might try it again.

he has a chores list but doesnt follow it maybe we need to re write it and paint it the same colours as the roosters lol

will be talking to hubby anout plans tonight.
but great info

[MantaRay]

It's very important for kids to learn about actions having consequences, and for them to understand and abide by limits. It's great that you are teaching your DS this.

Sometimes these behaviours have an underlying cause - a sensitivity to food additives, a concentration disorder such as ADHD, being bored, being bullied etc etc. It can be very hard to know when this is the case. I think often it comes down to results - if this method of discipline isn't working (that is, it doesn't stop the behaviour), then you might need to try something different, or see a GP, dietician, paediatrician or another HP to rule out an underlying reason. If there is an underlying reason, resolving that should help a lot.

GL hun.

[LionsandBears]

I think it's great. Kids need boundaries and you're doing your job providing them. For your DH - he needs to understand his job as a Dad. It's not just about being buddies, it's putting your foot down when needed and being a strong role model. Boundaries provide your kids with protection - it arms them against doing wrong or being pressured into doing wrong as they grow up. Saying no now is a way of teaching your kids to say no later, such as when a drunk mate wants them to get in a car with them.

It's not fair to children to let them get their way all the time. They'll push and push until someone says no. If they get away with everything, you take away their sense of safety, that someone is looking out for them. If his Dad isn't going to act like a Dad, who is? OK, your son might spit it now over the camping, but you're doing him a favour in the long run. He's learning the consequences of his actions - better no camping now than a car wrapped around a tree later.

Have you ever read any of Steve Biddulph's books? Raising Boys is fabulous. Or even watch the world's strictest parents. What you see there is loving, firm boundaries.

[kawazuki]

i feel there is something underlying. but cant put my finger on it.

we sent him to a councellor not long after me and hubby got together, as he was having a bit of trouble dealing with his mother rejecting him and sending him to live with DH. but they said that there was no issues. i am not sure they actually probed or asked any questions.

he says he is bored alot, but it doesnt seem to matter what he is doing, he just gets over everything in 5 min and is bored in 10.

[kawazuki]

no havent read those books, hmm might look into it, thank you

i agree, i had great parents they were relaxed yet i knew if i stepped over that line i was in trouble and gonna pay for it some how.

i feel DH is worried of hurting him and him hating him and leaving to live with his mum. but i feel DS is wanting the discipline in a way for those boundaries so he knows where he stands and whats expected of him.

[kirsty_lee]

Sorry Kawazuki, I didn't realise he was your step son. That makes it even MORE important for your dh to stick by the new rules otherwise you'll just end up being seen as the "evil stepmother" kwim?

[CrazyLady]

al is such a softy with them, and im the big mean ogre lol

OMG I swear I am going to have to be the tough parent. Charlie makes one little noise in her cot while sleeping and DP says :she's upset, can she come in the bed with us?"

Not that I wouldn't co-sleep if she needed it, we all sleep better when she's in the cot though and we do plan to conceive number 2 sometime. Sorry, off track.

He says he gets bored, has he done the test at school to show what level of education he is? My mate's sister rebelled from boredom and turns out she was super smart and school wasn't wearing her out/challenging her. Other possible tests are ADHD as previously mentioned or dyslexia? Also have you tried getting him say painting stuff/sketching stuff? might need a creative outlet.

Good work on the diciplining though, better sooner then later and you may feel like the evil stepmother but you're doing the right thing

[MantaRay]

Kawazuki, my DS (who is much younger) is a lot like that. He gets bored really easily. But he is bright and there are things that interest him for longer periods, such as reading challenging books, puzzles, number games etc. Perhaps your DSS is bored not because there's nothing to do, but because they aren't the things that interest him. How does he do at school - these kids often don't well, not because they are not capable but because they are bored and lose interest. Or I might be totally on the wrong track. But either way, I would trust your instinct. That's not to say that you shouldn't discipline him, but hopefully you can also find out what's really going on with him. GL.