was this to harsh

[Inanna]

Kawazuki I applaud the gentle and inquiring way that you are handling this...

I find it challenging to hear that kids are pains in the bum or rude or whatever. IMO as soon as you label a person they will live up to it. So I am glad to see you are not doing this.

My DD14 has ASD - and many of the examples you write of your step son are very similar. It has taken really hard work to change things. She has become so much easier to deal with - what changed??? ME! I changed the way I parented her. There is no guideline that fits all kids. So whoever wrote the book on: "do this and this will happen" hasn't had more than one child to parent! Kids I think, work best on reward rather than punishment. A list of expectations that if they are met there is a positive consequence rather than a punishment if they are not done... That changes everything to a positive Energy. So you do a, b and c and this is the reward... I think we all work best with reward rather than punishment... But the reward has to be truly something rewarding to him - not what you think would be rewarding... KWIM???

Steve Biddulph's book Raising Boys is a great read - I think it should be compulsory for all parents of boys. So have a little look at that.

Some children respond well to boundaries. But boundaries can be enforced in different ways.

My ASD daughter needs a written list or she cannot remember anything but the first thing she has been told. When I would say: "You heard me ask you to pick up your shoes, bag and put your lnch box in the dishwasher" - she would pick up her shoes only - because she cannot process auditory directions. She then would become incredibly rude, aggressive and sometimes violent. My response to her not doing what she was asked provoked her aggression. Not because she was being a little sod but because she was incredibly frustrated and angry that she couldn't follow...

So a list is what she got and my goodness the world changed. She is very pedantic so she follows the list to the letter... Not changing clothes was and sometimes still is a huge issue. She just doesnt do it. Personal cleanliness is another pointer to ASD.... The way I deal with it is to ask for her clothes each night. It's a not negotiable that she changes her clothing. I explained that to her, that it wasn't acceptable not to change your clothes so I will be askng for them each night. She did this often with prompting. However with ASD the kids often only want to wear the same thing. So my compromise was that I would wash them and she could wear them the day after when they were dry. She agreed to this and we put it on her list...

So, I think all of us - all human beings are pretty amazing beautiful Beings. There is always a reason why someone misbehaves or doesn't meet boundaries or is rude etc etc. It is usually based in fear, abandonment. Sometimes there is an issue like ASD or ADHD. It's really worth looking at it.

I know essentially I provoke my daughter when I ask her to do something and she doesn't. Because I say.... (or I did!) please do a, b & c... She couldn't so I would say: "why can't you just do what is asked. We all have jobs yadda yadda yadda.... But the reality was it wasn't about not wanting to help it was about not being able to process the request.

Nobody IS a behaviour they are displaying it. When we can change that we also change the expectation we placed on them by name calling. So it is wonderful you are not doing that.

I think you are doing a great job. You are putting in so much time and effort and I think that is amazing - especially in someone so young. Maybe during the time you have with him take him out and do something really special just with him. Maybe an ice cream or a trip to the book shop or library. He isjust a little boy, who's been through a lot. He needs firm boundaries - but he also needs soppy loving...