how do you know......

[crumpet]

So im basically wondering how will i know if having number 2 is what i really want or not....

we have a lot of factors to consider and ive got some pro and con lists but id like to hear some other peoples stories/thoughts and how you decided....

PRO's:
DD will have a sibling
DD wont grow up lonely
I will get the chance to (hopefully) birth not induced and possibly drug free
Can re-use all of the big buys

CON's:
Best Rest for 90% of my pregnancy
Wont be able to travel as much due to the extra stretch in finances
Wont be able to give DD the best of everything
Risk of PND again


Basically i want to have another one to go into labour myself and try to birth unassisted because i now regret insisting on being induced with DD, but i also dont want DD to be a only child, yet DH and I want to travel and live a comfortable life without finacial stress, well as much as possible.

im in 2 minds a lot, some days im all for it, others im totally against it....

i know i dont need to make up my mind right now, but id like to atleast have some direction in my thoughts....

i should also mention DH has only ever wanted one child, but has said im desperate for another he will agree to it

[LionsandBears]

My personal opinion is that I want to have a child to love and raise and see grow into a wonderful human being.

Do you want another child for themselves? For the unique individual they'll be, without any guarantee you'll get along together, that the siblings may not get along? Just for themselves?

You can work on your birth issues. You cant guarantee you'll have the birth you want anyway, though obviously it's a nice to have. Your child will survive without a sibling. They wont know any different.

[~*familyof3*~]

Hey ya hun. Ummm honestly theres no right or wrong and i dont think theres ever a perfect time to have more, it tends to just work out. But being DH and i are talking about another the one thing i have said to him is i think we should wait untill we both want another 100% I dont think there should be any doubts. I have found that with the money thing....you always tend to just adjust to it, well we do anyway. And for me my main fear is can i cope with another yes this answer tends to change depending on if we are having a good or bad day.....but we tend to have more good than bad and the rewards are outweighing the cons.

[glenny_c]

Ah Crumpet, Such a huge decision for you hon!! I know you have been back and forth on this. Not sure I can help much since DH and I always knew we wanted a bigger family. It's only our ages that is making us decide to stop at 3. (If we are lucky enough to have a third.)
As L&B said, S has a lovely life and lots of friends. It's not like without a sibling she will be all alone.

As I said, not much help but I'm here for you to chat whenever you like hon.
xx

[sloane]

i'm not sure what it's like for other people but for me i just knew. i had an overwhelming drive to have more than one. as nice as a sibling may be for DS, that didn't really enter my head. i am an only child & have never had a problem with it so the concept of a sibling isn't so important to me. i was never lonely or missed having a sibling to play with - i had friends who filled that gap & most of the time was horrified to go to friends houses where the kids were all fighting, i hated that!

we're not in the best place financially but we figured if we waited for a 'right' time it may never happen or we may miss our chance. i know that i will need to work at some point to help us get by & figure that in the future i will be able to work more & that will hopefully allow us to enjoy those extra things such as travel.

i agree with L&B - for me this is about the unique person this child will be and i feel that i have so much love to give my child/ren. there are moments of frustration but the pride & joy i feel with my DS is the best feeling in the world.

at the moment i'm nervous about how i will cope with 2 little people but i'm also excited to meet this unique human being who i will (hopefully) have the opportunity to watch grow & learn & develop.

[crumpet]

My personal opinion is that I want to have a child to love and raise and see grow into a wonderful human being.

Do you want another child for themselves? For the unique individual they'll be, without any guarantee you'll get along together, that the siblings may not get along? Just for themselves?

You can work on your birth issues. You cant guarantee you'll have the birth you want anyway, though obviously it's a nice to have. Your child will survive without a sibling. They wont know any different.

Hey ya hun. Ummm honestly theres no right or wrong and i dont think theres ever a perfect time to have more, it tends to just work out. But being DH and i are talking about another the one thing i have said to him is i think we should wait untill we both want another 100% I dont think there should be any doubts. I have found that with the money thing....you always tend to just adjust to it, well we do anyway. And for me my main fear is can i cope with another yes this answer tends to change depending on if we are having a good or bad day.....but we tend to have more good than bad and the rewards are outweighing the cons.

Ah Crumpet, Such a huge decision for you hon!! I know you have been back and forth on this. Not sure I can help much since DH and I always knew we wanted a bigger family. It's only our ages that is making us decide to stop at 3. (If we are lucky enough to have a third.)
As L&B said, S has a lovely life and lots of friends. It's not like without a sibling she will be all alone.

As I said, not much help but I'm here for you to chat whenever you like hon.
xx

i'm not sure what it's like for other people but for me i just knew. i had an overwhelming drive to have more than one. as nice as a sibling may be for DS, that didn't really enter my head. i am an only child & have never had a problem with it so the concept of a sibling isn't so important to me. i was never lonely or missed having a sibling to play with - i had friends who filled that gap & most of the time was horrified to go to friends houses where the kids were all fighting, i hated that!

we're not in the best place financially but we figured if we waited for a 'right' time it may never happen or we may miss our chance. i know that i will need to work at some point to help us get by & figure that in the future i will be able to work more & that will hopefully allow us to enjoy those extra things such as travel.

i agree with L&B - for me this is about the unique person this child will be and i feel that i have so much love to give my child/ren. there are moments of frustration but the pride & joy i feel with my DS is the best feeling in the world.

at the moment i'm nervous about how i will cope with 2 little people but i'm also excited to meet this unique human being who i will (hopefully) have the opportunity to watch grow & learn & develop.

thank you all for ur input!


i always wanted 2 kids, but then when we found out about my dodgie cervix and then loosing DS it seemed that 1 would be our blessing and that was that....
but seeing DD play with my nephew makes me feel like its unfair on her to grow up alone, even though she will be close to her cousin and have friends.
i was a only child until 10.5yrs and while i know no better i always wonder what it would have been like to have a sibling close in age, and i dont want DD to go through that....

[Arimeh]

I always have a "cons" list and if they are easily argued out into a positive, there is your answer.

You never regret them, I can promise you that.

[misty]

Don't over think it. Stop thinking for a moment and just feel. Then you have your answer.

[crumpet]

thanks MNB, i would hope not! lol......

i am leaning towards the yes side but im just unsure if its the right decision.... wasnt this hard deciding on number 1

[Arimeh]

Why do you think not having one would be the right decision?

[MrsFabuloso]

I always have a "cons" list and if they are easily argued out into a positive, there is your answer.

You never regret them, I can promise you that.

Me too. If my cons are relatively trivial, like when we were contemplating DS2, we had to buy a new car. In reality, we would have needed a new car soon anyway, and well, seriously not having another child because we didn't have the right car??? It just wasn't a good enough reason not to for us. There were other things too, but at the end of it all, (obviously!) we decided having another child to love, another little person in our lives and that of our other childrens lives far outweighed anything else.

And I agree with MNB, you never regret having a child. *I* would only have regretted not having another. Which when you say you won't have another an time goes on (for us, DH was getting the snip after we finshed having children too!), you often can't really change your mind.

[crumpet]

Don't over think it. Stop thinking for a moment and just feel. Then you have your answer.

thanks misty, i think im over thinking if things at the moment

Why do you think not having one would be the right decision?

i think im worried that if number 2 did come along i would regret it, if i ended up with PND again... but in saying that i know to act sooner next time as well if that was the case.
i dont want DH to have to work himself into the ground to support us, nor do i want us to be in a position where i would HAVE to work, id rather just be able to cruse along.

and then we could give DD everything, incl awesome holidays, and well materialistic things really

[*EJ*]

Hi Crumpet,

From memory back when we were thinking of #2 a huge amount was about DS1 having a sibling. Everything else came second. It was when discussing the possability of a #3 that we took all the financials, space, our capabilities into it and thought that prehaps 2 would be enough. I have always said that while i don't want to 'spoil' my kids silly i do want to be able to provide them with whatever it is that they may need. Therefore we need to be financially capable of having more children. DD was a sweet surprise and the fact that we didn't have to make the decision in the end was a blessing. For us as parents she's been wonderful and for the boys even more so. When i can i need to get my butt back into some paid work though

I now have the desire for more and i wonder how when my days are so freaking busy, but i do. If it happens or not is a whole other thing but to feel the desire is something that i haven't felt before my previous 3. Well actually with DS1 there was...

So what i'm thinking is each child will bring this enormous amount of love that you can not deny. You wonder how you can love more than one but you do. As someone else said the birth issues you can work with, with research and support. You know you will get so much here With regards to PND (i am not speaking from experience here so i may be way off mark) there is no knowing if you will or will not have it again but you will know the signs from your previous experience and know when to get help and prehaps how to help yourself.

You could make it all a little too hard if you think into it too much. Decide if you would like another child and then figure out how you will handle the rest of it.

Hugs and best wishes. I hope your little lady is doing well xoox

ETA You said you grew up on your own until 10, what were your feelings on this? Remembering what it was like to be a 10 (and under year old) would you have given any materialistic items to have been able to have a sibling to share things with??

[Queen]

This was a big thing for me. I struggled ALOT, I would not change things now of course but 4-5 years ago things were very different.
I never had the 'need' for another or the want for many kids or a big family I never had those.
If DH did not want a football team or people did not hassle me things may have been different.
Basically, DH said we should start TTC when DD1 was 2.5 and I really just went along with it By the time we concieved DD2 (6mths later) I had decided it was what I wanted.
Sorry to hijack but good luck x

[glenny_c]

When I'm making a had decision I always toss a coin, I know it sounds trivial and I don't go with what the coins say so much but it shows me what I'm hoping. Like if heads is one thing and tails another, when the coin is in the air and I find I'm hoping for it to land on tails- there is my answer. Helps me realise what I really want. Does that make sense?

[Arimeh]

and then we could give DD everything, incl awesome holidays, and well materialistic things really

Ahh but nothing is set in stone forever - financially speaking. Your DH could lose his job, or get a better job down the track paying double the amount of money, and then you would have HEAPS of money, and could afford to give her everything and then some - would you want a baby then? What if its too late?

I never let financial reasons come into playing a part, because its so.... unpredictable yeah?

We have 4 kids now, and contemplating another one, and my DH has just changed his work direction - he's going to uni for the next 3 years to be a nurse! (he was an architectural technician). So we are on limited money, very very slim budget. But, if we want the kids to go on a holiday, we can do that cheaply. I'm sure my kids would be just as happy to go camping at an awesome beach spot as they would going overseas.

Life is what you make it, and I think its possible to make it on any amount of money - but the love of another child is priceless.

[forshelby]

I can't tell you what you should decide, of course. But it seems to me that your list of cons seems fairly manageable. Knowing what you're getting into will result in a much smoother transition, I imagine. You've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Follow your gut instinct.

[Miss.September]

and then we could give DD everything, incl awesome holidays, and well materialistic things really

We bought an old camper trailer and have some of our best trips in it. If not being able to travel is a big con factor, there are ways around it