Complaining we dont DTD often enough

[Je$$_84]

Hi,

I realise its a bit of a personal issue but its driving me totally insane....

Currently almost 17 weeks preg and DP complaining that we dont DTD enough. He keeps saying its been months but its been maybe a few days.

I feel like he's acting like he hasnt had any for months to years the way he carries on. Making me feel bad if i'm tired or not in the mood. He says like- I must not love him any more, or my feelings have change towards him, last pregnancy i was all over him and now nothing.

We DTD every few days rarely going weeks without it its more like if anything few days in between. He gets upset as he works 7 days and still feels like it and i'm just not intp it.

I enjoy it but lately i'm just so tired and have no energy or motivation. Once were into it its ok but its getting me into it thats sometimes is hard. Is it normal for you labido to slow down in pregnancy and why has his labido racing while i'm pregnant. When we were TTC he was never into it and now i'm preg- he cant get enough....

Sorry if this is TMI but i could really use some advice i dont want thins to be an issue in our relationship

[visitor1]

With DD1 i loved DTD.....with DD2 i was the opposite....was an effort to do it.

Your partner needs to understand that growing a baby is hard work..and if your not in the mood...he needs to try respect that. Its a give and take situation...

Some guys finding the preg body a turn on and sexy...so perhaps thats why he is more into it then when u were TTC.

The more you talk about it with him, might help him understand where u are coming from.

[soul]

Agh men can be so much like animals I swear!

Sweetie tell him there is more to love than just sex!Sex is only one way of showing it, it comes mostly from the heart as love is a emotion.

I wasn't particualry into it either when I was at your stage, I mean having a baby growing inside of you might make you feel that way!!! DUH what is wrong with men!


My body was for my baby only, he owned it wholy he he!!!


Tell him that if he needs to be a rabbit to get himself some carrots to munch on to take that craving away!!!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

PMSL soul. You're adorable!

Jess, it's a pity your DP can't be more understanding :hugs:
I get the same sort of feeling of guilt because i'm really not into it atm, and it also causes me a lot of back pain when we do, but fortunately for me DF is fairly good about it - we've been going without for two weeks at times, although admittedly i do get to the point sometimes where it's like, omg lets get it over and done with so you shut up for a while!!!

Is it dtd itself or is it the intimacy and closeness? If it's mostly dtd itself try having a bath or shower together and just spend time being with each other, he might find in the end its actually more satisfying to have that sort of attention than none (or if it gets that bad, help him *ahem* fire off some knuckle children while you're at it... )

What he's saying isn't really fair to you either, you have enough hormonal interuption to deal with without him making you feel guilt for that as well. Tell him he musn't love you if he can't understand - see how he likes it!

All the best!

[Kitty33]

Hi Jess...
My DH was sooo like that with our first... but I have to say he has been awesome this time around.. we are once a weekers at the moment

I am sorry if this is TMI but dont be afraid to break out the dvd that has no cover!! HEHEHEH LOL :P if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge)

BUT!! in saying that he should be thinking himself sooooooooooo bloody lucky he is getting it every few days!!! my DH would be beside himself if he were... he he he he...

I hope he gets over himself for you soon... I hope that doesnt sound harsh.. but you know what i mean i think

xoxoxoxo

[paradise lost]

Aw hun it's a difficult position to be in.

Some men, i'd say most but certainly not all, express emotional closeness and experience emotional closeness best through sex. As my DP will say when we're in bed, nothing says "i love you" like a blow job! (though i happen to agree on that front :P) I know that's not how most women think, we'd like a cuddle, thoughful gifts or actions, and to hear the words, but to men it is an incredibly loving action. Many of our guys have been raised not to cry, hug, touch one another (i mean hold hands or generally touch in affection - squeeze an arm, rub a shoulder etc.) and for them sex is the one realm where they can let go emotionally and retain their masculinity. Us girls however are raised to hug and kiss and not to regard sex like that (older virgins "saved" themselves rather than "deprived" themselves, men who have a lot of sex are admired, women who do the same are admonished) and so though we usually enjoy sex as adults, it feels to us like icing on the cake of love. For men it is the cake, hugs and kisses which are in passing rather than in foreplay, are the icing.

So then we have an incredibly common problem. A woman who feels tired and busy finds it hard to get into the right headspace for sex. Finding it so difficult, her libido drops a little. The man feels unloved by this drop in lovemaking and withdraws peripheral affection a little (because that's the less important bit to him, just as the sex is the less important bit to her) - less hugs maybe? But he steps up his direct loving - by coming onto her and expressing his need for more sex. Then SHE feels unloved by this and gets in the mood even less. When he tries to be loving it's by coming on to her, she feels he's only interested in sex, and so on.

What's the answer? Well, i guess everyone needs to take affection, whatever form it comes in, in the spirit it is intended. Which means he needs to realise your hugs are loving and you need to remember his lust is too.

I really think for men sex is incredibly bonding and not a bonus but a necessity in a loving relationship. I'm not saying you should have sex when you don't want to! Far from it, but just that his eagerness to have sex with you is about his love for you, and not about a selfish need to get his rocks off, kwim? Reassure him that you love him and tell him that you're feeling less like doing it and that he can help you by being affectionate without pressuring you. A massage and a bath and lots of kisses and cuddles are going to be bonding even if you don't end up having sex.

Bx

[Je$$_84]

WOW- Thanks everyone for your responses- You have all made me feel so much better. Gave me a few laughs and some things to try...hehe

Soul- pmsl about the carrots but DP has a filthy mind so i dont think the carrot suggestion would work in that way... (sorry TMI)

Ashlea- thanks for the Mrs Palmer and her 5 children suggestion- LMAO. I should remember that when i'd just like to shut him up...hehehe

Kristie- Not TMI- hard to offend me after all i asked the Q's. Thanks for your suggestion- think it might make his hormones race a little more. I'm willing to try anything ATM.

Hoobley- I think you hit the nail on the head. I guess i just need to have a chat to DP and try to come up with some kind of comprimise.

What's the answer? Well, i guess everyone needs to take affection, whatever form it comes in, in the spirit it is intended. Which means he needs to realise your hugs are loving and you need to remember his lust is too.

I really think for men sex is incredibly bonding and not a bonus but a necessity in a loving relationship. I'm not saying you should have sex when you don't want to! Far from it, but just that his eagerness to have sex with you is about his love for you, and not about a selfish need to get his rocks off, kwim? Reassure him that you love him and tell him that you're feeling less like doing it and that he can help you by being affectionate without pressuring you. A massage and a bath and lots of kisses and cuddles are going to be bonding even if you don't end up having sex.

Thanks for all your help everyone-

[mummycate]

Its hard that when you're in a long term relationship and your partner doesn't want to do anything. I felt just like your husband, Jess! Until we sat down and really talked, I realised there were more problems and just ended it. But for you, he just wants to show you how much he loves you, and this is how men (except my XP) show love. Perhaps telling him that you do enjoy it, just need to relax into or or at times you just are really tired or sore. Pregnancy knocks mum around heaps! He loves you so much sweetie, he'll understand. Perhaps he'll tell you what you could do for him if you're not completely in the mood.

And well said Dr Hoobley!

[PinkPalace]

Oh Jess!
IF he is complaining now at 17 weeks preg he is going to be crying after the birth! lol

Men are funny i guess they think everything should carry on as normal.
I know my libido went sky high when i was preg and we would dtd a few times a week (which was more than when i was on the pill thats for sure).

BUt DH in my final trimester went funny and wouldnt dtd with me (just other stuff) as he ws concerned about labour and plus i had a long pre-labour and mucous plug etc and he wouldnt go near me in that region! lol....

Perhaps just help him out? Rather than dtd? Or make a conscious note to set time every week - no tv, go to be at 7pm etc....??

[paradise lost]

ROFL Catherine! If it's any comfort my XP wouldn't DTD either, but he DID do it to express love, he just didn't really love me anymore.

Bx

[soul]

LOL Men can have sex without it being about love everytime! We can love someone but want out physical needs when where not loving. Did that make sense?

[Je$$_84]

well After having a chat with DP were starting to see where each other is coming from.

but just that his eagerness to have sex with you is about his love for you, and not about a selfish need to get his rocks off

- hoobley- This is basically what he said to me but in his words. HE was also saying how would i feel if he was the one that didnt feel like DTD......I suddenly understood who i would feel....

I've been trying the last few days to put DS to bed a little earlier and making some us time. DP has been extra supportive after our talk- trying to help me feel like DTD- massages, even ran me a beautiful bath on saturday to give me some "ME" time. when i got out he had dinner organised (well they went up the shop and brought dinner) so of course i was relax and rewarded myself so returned the favour.

Thanks everyone for your posts. Hopefully now we can stay on track and try to be loving to each other the way we both like.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I'm glad things are starting to work out for you Je$$ I went through a stage a lil while ago where I didn't want sex, and after about 4 days of this (TMI warning, but we still go every day, or at least every second day!) he started to complain. Like you, once I was in the mood I was fine, so we compromised - he would do more to try to get me in the mood, and I wouldn't say no until we'd at least tried.

Let's just say, DH became quite inventive, so we're back to our old habits!!

[satya]

Just wanted to say that my DF is much the same in as much as if we go for a few days without DTD he tells me it's been a couple of weeks. He doesn't carry on about it too much but he certainly does exagerate the amount of time that has elapsed.

[Je$$_84]

Hi Satya,

Yeah my DP was the same bout over exagerating the lenght of time between DTD... Men seem to think that if its been 1-3 days its weeks... Things were going well and i found i was getting my libido back and when mine was finally back his was gone... Its so frustrating...

I found a way to get him in the mood again... I got my hair done completley different to what i usually get it done.. He's been telling me for ages "you'd look good if your hair was lighter, maybe some blonde through it or something" i always thought that my eyebrows were to dark and it wouldnt suit me but finally went to a friend (who does hairdressing in her garage salon" told her to do something different... Well came home yesterday new hair-doo, new out fit (although maternity...hehe) nails done, waxed up trying to make myself feel good (been feeling yuk and everything is falling appart, my hair and skins gone to ****) Well must have been enough to make me feel better and he loved the change in mood, look etc.. Definatley worth a try ladies... IYKWIM!!! wink wink.... hehehe

[mummycate]

True, Jess! And even if it doesn't work, you still get to go and rejuvenate yourself!

[LadyRaven]

I get this too! Daddy can get DTD twice a day for a month and I have one off week and it's been MONTHS since we been together lol. Even upto the very end of preg he was clawing at me hehe. Telling them the date of the last DTD and trying to relate it to something they may have felt at one point can help them put things in perspective. I told Daddy even though I didn't look pregnant I felt as tired as when I had Glandular Fever and like I had a constant hang over, as Daddy got GF when he was young really bad for months he understood moreso because I didn't "look" pregnant so he didn't understand what was the problem. I think they take it to heart, they think it's them, not the pregnancy or other situations and they begin to doubt themselves and use sex as a way of reaffirming that we do love them and want them if that makes sense..

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

they begin to doubt themselves and use sex as a way of reaffirming that we do love them and want them if that makes sense..

That's so true! My DH will try and hold my hand when we're aguing - it used to really bug me until I realised that he was looking for reassurance that I still loved him, even if I didn't particularly LIKE him at that moment!