For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing with your DD. You are trying to teach her that she has the right to make decisions over her own body and when she goes to the toilet. She may not have made a decision that was the best or that worked, but she did learn that if she leaves going to the toilet for too long she just can't hold on forever and the will have an accident.

I think the embarrassment of wetting her pants and the discomfort of being wet in the first place is more than enough of a lesson for her - as it seems you do - and I do think there is no point in taking the lesson any further.

Stick to your guns with your parenting and explain yourself calmly to your DF when the opportunity arises. I think you are on the right track and are definitely not being soft! If you keep at it, I think your DF will see where you are coming from... I am doing the same with my DH . Poor man grew up in a very totalitarian household and doesn't manage our DD in the most appropriate ways some times.

I am glad that things worked out in the end and your DD got clean, dry clothes.