MIL making me feel uneasy

[Jen27]

Hi Sorry, I hope I don't sound horrible in this thread but my MIL is making me feel uneasy. Its only about a small thing, but I am bothered about it, I'm not sure if its my hormones or not.
Anyway, I am 23 weeks pregnant, I have never had alot of contact with MIL, we live about 30 mins away, but see each other every couple of weeks, sometimes not even for about 5 weeks. We got married in January, she was never seemed that interested in me before I was pregnant, and never asked about our wedding plans. Since being pregnant it has changed though. She wants to know all about the baby. She has already got a spare room in her house set up as a nursery for when the baby comes. she has a cot, high chair, and other baby things. Oh also a walker. Which I don't want our baby using, as I read they can be dangerous
Am I just being a control freak!?
I know this sounds terrible, I'm sure she is just excited, but it makes me feel uneasy. I mean, we haven't even set up a nursery yet! I think I will be a bit protective with the baby, and not want anyone else looking after him/her for a while, but now that MIL has a cot it makes me think shes going to expect to have the baby there quite often! we only live 30 mins away now, but are actually moving to the same country town soon, so will be living a 2 minute walk from each other soon.

Another reason is that both MIL and FIL smoke. fil is not there in the day. So I worry if MIL did look after the baby, when she went outside for a smoke would she just leave the baby inside?or take the baby out with near the smoke?
Also, PIL have a rather big open fire in the living room, we where all talking about cover grills for fires recently,(not sure why..) about if they are getting one etc, I mentioned maybe it would be a good idea for when the baby is here so the baby can't grab the hot black bars and they both just replied with 'nah they soon learn not to touch. Our kids did with hot things' this comment did worry me!

I guess I'm just feeling a bit like this at the moment as MIL hasn't had much to do with me before... also my own parents are in the uk (I met DH over here), so I'm sad my mum won't get a chance to look after the baby

I'm probably just being silly, maybe its my hormones making me feel like this!. I will probably be glad she wants to look after the baby when he/she is born!! . (and I do feel terrible for feeling uneasy about it all, poor mil is probably only trying to be nice )



Is it normal to feel so protective of the baby already!?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I blew my lid at my mum for buying a cot for "when Liebling comes to stay". She lives 300km away and of course he stays with her - whenever I do! But I didn't want him to be "farmed out" to all the relatives. My baby, not yours! Maybe MiL has it so when you visit the baby has a bed for naptime? (Even I'm thinking "yeah right" to that, but maybe.)

My MiL was very interested in me until SiL was pg (she was pg first) - then it all dropped. Even when I was pg and trying to involve her. Your MiL may be similar - you have a working uterus so I'll like you until I can steal the baby.

I always said I would never leave my baby with a person who couldn't follow my rules. So Mum wasn't allowed to babysit until she could, which took almost 2 years. That was "don't give him this food" btw, not anything that you blatantly don't do around babies, like smoke or have an open fire. MiL looked after DS earlier, but that was under duress (from her - DH had been begging her for months before that as I needed a break).

Don't feel bad for not wanting someone to take your baby - as you say, you may change your mind next year. But it's normal and after all, why have a baby to give to your MiL instead of having the fun for yourself?

[paradise lost]

Hun she's HAD babies. You haven't even MET your baby yet, of COURSE you're gonna feel concerned by her busily setting up her life so she can "take" the baby for you.

I suspect, regrettably, i will be very much looking forward to grandchildren by the time i am lucky enough (if i am) to get one. I love babies. I will however resist the urge to kit out a nursery for the baby before it's even born!

Some parents feel really strongly that they remember how tough/tiring having a baby can be and they want to help when their kids come to having babies, and some unfortunately are just really nosy and see the new baby as "theirs".

I don't think you're being a control freak hun. It'd annoy me too, but then my XMIL has seen DD about 3 times in her life and THAT annoys me too, since she lives so close and XP sees DD all the time. So maybe they can't win

The bottom line is this is YOUR baby. Your MIL can put a cot in her house if she wants - it's HER house. But it's YOUR baby, and you dn't have to put it in that cot unless you feel you wan to. Her expectations, especially when she has discussed nothing with you, are her problem. There may come a time when you're really grateful of an older woman to lean on (my mum died before DD was conceived - not the same as being overseas maybe, but i do know what it's like to do new-motherhood without a mum of your own nearby) and there might not. But try not to worry too much ahead of time. She could have ten cots in her house, 3 prams, a whole ROOM full of nappies and that baby will STILL be safe in Mama's belly.

Bx

[berrme]

Wow, your MIL has too much time, money and space! I would find it very strange if either set of grandparents had an entire nursery set up in their homes. Ever heard of a port-a-cot? Grandparents do get excited though, maybe she is just trying to be helpful... in a kind of creepy way.

Whether they like it or not, grandparents have to follow the parents rules. You need to express your concerns, especially about the smoking and the fireplace, and they need to take them on board, otherwise no baby time without you there.
There probably will come a time when you are very thankful for being able to drop bubs around with MIL and have some time for yourself. Both my parents and PILs live in Cairns so I know how much I would appreciate family close by at times. Don't, however, feel like this has to be soon just because MIL took it upon herself to set up a nursery.

[FabFiona]

My MIL was / is like that. She was buying stuff for her grandchildren as soon as I came onto the scene. Thank god my SIL went first with two babies now. My MIL set up a full nursery with cot and bed. She buys stuff for the grandchildren 'just in case' they might need a jumper in 2 years, because it was on sale.

I admit it did bother me at first, but I'm relaxed about it now. It's her decision to do all of that. Her decisions have no impact on me. My MIL has good motivations, so I'm not too fussed. She genuinely wants to help, support and be part of her grandchildrens life.

The other thing to remember is that if you are uncomfortable, get your partner to speak to her. After all, it's his mum, not yours.

[Lulu]

:yeahthat:


Oh wow, she's been waiting for THIS for a loooong time hasn't she!!!! Whats the chances that lots of her friends have grandkids and have been lording it over her

Funny - my mum was shocked when I feel pg young, but it wasn't long until all her friends got jealous and wanting a grandy too. I had some of her friends trying to set me up with their sons oh it was ridiculous

However, she didn't go too mental (but later on she did buy a cot for her place - not a full nursery though), and it has been wonderful being able to get a break here and there.

It must feel a little weird, but try not to panic toooooo much. Realistically she won't be whipping bubs off with her when he's only weeks old - she can't have him until you are comfortable with it, and that might not even be till bubs is over a year anyway.

Cross the other bridges when you get to them - if you are not happy with the fireplace setup, bubs doesn't go. I'm sure they will be scrambling to get appropriate cover if they understand you don't feel its safe enough.

Sometimes it appears that GP, MIL's etc like to tease/annoy/rolleyes at some of the choices we make - the old "well it never hurt us" comments float about alot - just be ready for it and smile through gritted teeth!

Hope she settles down a little for you. Oh and one tip - to avoid a MIL becoming overbearing with advice etc - ASK HER for the advice, ask her how DP was as a baby etc. If she feels included she is less likely to get pushy about things
You don't have to take the advice of course................!

[MantaRay]

Oh hun, no wonder you are worried. That really is over the top, and TBH I would think that she's not going to stop there. I do think that we need to understand that grandparents will do things we don't like (like give them lollies), and that is a part of being a grandparent, but there are limits and your MIL has crossed them.

Having said that, one thing that couples really struggle with is making time to be together and looking after their relationship. So having a MIL is willing and able to look after your baby at times while you see a movie, have dinner or even DTD etc is actually a good thing. But only when you are ready and not necessarily overnight.

I think it would be a good idea to have a chat to your MIL now, before the baby arrives. You could say something like "That is so great that you have nursery set up. When the baby is able to go overnight without a breastfeed, maybe sometime after it's 1st birthday, I am sure we will very much appreciate the opportunity to have a night to ourselves while you babysit overnight. Of course that is some time off so in the meantime that room will be great for when we are here visiting, and maybe for a couple of hours during the day while we go out if you don't mind. I might feel comfortable to leave the baby for short periods after the first few months. We'll see how we go." It will make it easier if she knows where she stands now. I would ask her to get rid of the walker though - they are not at all good for babies and are dangerous. Perhaps it would be best if your DH talked to her about that one!

It sounds also like your MIL might be the sort to give you lots of advice. As hard as it is, I recommend that you are firm with her from the beginning. Let her know that you really appreciate that she cares, and she did a great job raising her own kids (whether or not it's true ), but that the recommendations have changed now and you are comfortable with the way you are doing things. Or the other line I like is "I'm glad that worked for you, I find this works better for me".

GL hun. I hope that your MIL proves us all wrong!

[phynna]

to avoid a MIL becoming overbearing with advice etc - ASK HER for the advice, ask her how DP was as a baby etc.

Oh no, I tried this one.....'twas asking what size DP was when he was born, 3 hours later, she's still talking, only I haven't said a word in between, and she's now on to a description of all the housekeeping jobs she has had over the years.....