MIL making me feel uneasy

[Lulu]

:yeahthat:


Oh wow, she's been waiting for THIS for a loooong time hasn't she!!!! Whats the chances that lots of her friends have grandkids and have been lording it over her

Funny - my mum was shocked when I feel pg young, but it wasn't long until all her friends got jealous and wanting a grandy too. I had some of her friends trying to set me up with their sons oh it was ridiculous

However, she didn't go too mental (but later on she did buy a cot for her place - not a full nursery though), and it has been wonderful being able to get a break here and there.

It must feel a little weird, but try not to panic toooooo much. Realistically she won't be whipping bubs off with her when he's only weeks old - she can't have him until you are comfortable with it, and that might not even be till bubs is over a year anyway.

Cross the other bridges when you get to them - if you are not happy with the fireplace setup, bubs doesn't go. I'm sure they will be scrambling to get appropriate cover if they understand you don't feel its safe enough.

Sometimes it appears that GP, MIL's etc like to tease/annoy/rolleyes at some of the choices we make - the old "well it never hurt us" comments float about alot - just be ready for it and smile through gritted teeth!

Hope she settles down a little for you. Oh and one tip - to avoid a MIL becoming overbearing with advice etc - ASK HER for the advice, ask her how DP was as a baby etc. If she feels included she is less likely to get pushy about things
You don't have to take the advice of course................!

[MantaRay]

Oh hun, no wonder you are worried. That really is over the top, and TBH I would think that she's not going to stop there. I do think that we need to understand that grandparents will do things we don't like (like give them lollies), and that is a part of being a grandparent, but there are limits and your MIL has crossed them.

Having said that, one thing that couples really struggle with is making time to be together and looking after their relationship. So having a MIL is willing and able to look after your baby at times while you see a movie, have dinner or even DTD etc is actually a good thing. But only when you are ready and not necessarily overnight.

I think it would be a good idea to have a chat to your MIL now, before the baby arrives. You could say something like "That is so great that you have nursery set up. When the baby is able to go overnight without a breastfeed, maybe sometime after it's 1st birthday, I am sure we will very much appreciate the opportunity to have a night to ourselves while you babysit overnight. Of course that is some time off so in the meantime that room will be great for when we are here visiting, and maybe for a couple of hours during the day while we go out if you don't mind. I might feel comfortable to leave the baby for short periods after the first few months. We'll see how we go." It will make it easier if she knows where she stands now. I would ask her to get rid of the walker though - they are not at all good for babies and are dangerous. Perhaps it would be best if your DH talked to her about that one!

It sounds also like your MIL might be the sort to give you lots of advice. As hard as it is, I recommend that you are firm with her from the beginning. Let her know that you really appreciate that she cares, and she did a great job raising her own kids (whether or not it's true ), but that the recommendations have changed now and you are comfortable with the way you are doing things. Or the other line I like is "I'm glad that worked for you, I find this works better for me".

GL hun. I hope that your MIL proves us all wrong!

[Jen27]

THANKS so much for all your replies I feel somuch better now. I just needed other opinions as I thought I was going a bit mad!

I think MIL intentions are for the best, she had her children young (1st one at 16, 2nd and 18), and DH sister has being trying for children for about 5 years, and MIL has wanted them for a loooooong time yes.


Thanks again for the advice and replies I or DH will definately talk to her about the smoking and walker for the babies safety

[fionas]

DD is only two so I have an INORDINATE amount of time to go before I have grandkids but I know if and when it happens I will go COMPLETELY mental and TBH I wouldn't rule out setting up a full nursery, I will be beyond excited. Hopefully DD and I will have a good enough relationship that she can tell me I'm being totally ridiculous.

Have a word with her and try to get to know her a bit more. And yes, ask lots of questions beforehand about how she raised her babies - that will give you a really good feel for whether your approach and hers will complement each other or clash.

Good luck!

[ladybird11]

Just from what you've said - I can totally understand why you'd be feeling this way - I would be too.

She sounds like the kind of MIL that could be controlling and I can sense she may try to assert her 'baby raising habits' with YOUR bubba. I really hope she will at least respect your wishes and comply with your wishes, re - no walker, the smoke situation etc.

My mum has a cot set up for DD, a high chair etc but she only looks after DD when I need her to. It sounds llike your MIL is planning on having your bubs on a regular basis. The evidence being she is setting up an entire nursery for bubs.

Then again, with my MIL's (yes, I'm lucky enough to have two - a step and a natural ) they have their favourite hobbies / people for a month and then before you know it something else comes along and snaps their attention.

Maybe over the weeks / months to come try (your DH too) dropping subtle hints about what it'll be like when the baby comes along e.g. "oh, maybe you'll be able to have bubs overnight when we go out every now and then" (trust me, you'll appreciate that )...

[~Raven~]

I'm going to say the opposite

My mum and MIL did exactly the same and bought a lot of baby stuff for use at their house. I was fine with it!

If you go to have lunch or dinner then the baby has somewhere to sleep in a nice comfy cot.
A change table will be more convenient than getting down on the floor and if it's kitted out with stuff you don't need to worry about forgetting anything (I've ran out of wipes in the nappy bag and used mum's stash many times).
High chair will come in very handy when bub is big enough too. Much easier than balancing on your lap to feed. We used to take ours with us which was a PIA.

Don't think of it as her buying the gear so she can nick your baby, more she's trying to make her place more suitable for bub.

I would put my foot down about the walker if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't like them and refuse to put my child in one.

You don't need to leave your baby before you are ready to either so don't feel pressured by it. FWIW my MIL was hankering to babysit but the novelty of grandkids has worn off now it seems She could be all hot air like mine is.

[AliBaby]

I could have written your exact same post about Dp's mum!

Oh it drives me nuts!

I had and still have the exact same feelings as you do hun and I am also really jealous of DD spending anytime with her as I want it to be my mum who lives in Qld. I think it is quite normal to feel this way.

You have been given some really good advice from others. I am even going to take some of it on board as how to deal with mine.

[phynna]

to avoid a MIL becoming overbearing with advice etc - ASK HER for the advice, ask her how DP was as a baby etc.

Oh no, I tried this one.....'twas asking what size DP was when he was born, 3 hours later, she's still talking, only I haven't said a word in between, and she's now on to a description of all the housekeeping jobs she has had over the years.....

[Rivlas]

Grandparent speaking here:
We have a porta cot, was the same one I used for the DD's, high chair and change table.
I also have my own supply of nappies and a change of clothes.
When they come for a visit or stay over night I use the cot and spare bed so we don't have a cranky children and the visit is enjoyable. With everything here they can walk out their door and know we have things here.
Even though they live within 10 minutes of each other this has worked out really well as it also means they can drop the boys off in a hurry if need be.
As for the fire place I would be saying NO GUARD NO KIDS. We had an open fire place as children and my parents always had a guard and the tool not to close to the fire. Kids can move so fast so if you have a guard at least there is notice before they get to the fire
As for smoking near children won't go there....
Just be firm but loving when you tell them how you feel

[SophieRose]

You know, as much as i would freak out if my MIL was buy stuff like a cot and a change table (a porta cot or a spare bed would do, ffs).
I'm actually a little upset and hurt with mine.
My Dp has a little girl (paige, 3 1/2) and his parents have a whole room set up for her, with toys, clothes (honestly enough for three little girls) and they keep constantly changing it for her even though they only see her for an afternoon or something once a month if their lucky. And yet, they haven't seemed to make any effort to get some stuff for bub.
A porta cot, or maybe a spare pack of nappies or some spare clothes would be fine. But there's nothing.
I'm feeling kind of left out on bubs behalf. Lol.
Like even with Paige's bike that she's had there for a year now and is yet to use. MIL was saying that when bubs old enough to ride it, he can just ride that one...It's hot pink with ribbons and butterfly stickers all over it. Why would a little boy want to ride that???
"and if he doesn't like the color, i'm pretty sure we have some left over blue paint from when we painted the bathroom, so we could just paint it"

It's not even like their trying to save money, their loaded!
I dunno. I just feel like Bub's being left out already.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Sophie, my MiL has that with Niece. Niece has her own high chair and bib and plate... if Liebs is there with us for a meal then MiL doesn't know what to do... he could use Niece's things she supposes... yeah, he can. We didn't bring a high chair because you have one. I don't care that you got it for Niece, you have one. We have been for lunch once. Because I didn't bring a high chair with me.

Mum has stuff for DS that I know other children have used - heck, some of it used to be mine! She has a box of toys she gets out for ALL children who visit. Yes, more has been bought since I had DS but nevertheless, it's Mum's stuff for children. My cousin's children can use the high chair when they visit. She can lend the pushchair to another grandma down the road. (She only has this much stuff because she lives so far away: we move in for a week when we visit. Otherwise she'd have spare clothes and not a pushchair IYSWIM.)

I did stop Mum from getting a stairgate though. DS is safe on stairs because he is wary of them. The time we tried a stairgate (on holiday; we don't have stairs inside) DS stood at the top of the stairs (stairgate top and bottom of stairs) and shook the gate screaming at it until the gate dislodged. We figure it's safer that he goes down himself now as he's great at stairs. But otherwise, Mum would have bought fifty thousand safety devices.

It is useful for grandparents to have some things - toys, nappies and wipes, if you visit a lot then why not a cot and spare clothes? But if you're not visiting so often then it's not needed. Once a month, it's great to have toys and wipes. But the nappies won't be used by the time they're grown out of.

Mmmmm.

What was my point?

Oh yes.

If you see the grandparent a lot and get on with them then why not have a nursery there JIC you need it? I never thought I'd get so ill I'd be rushed to hospital and told I couldn't care for my child for the next 24 hours; Mum living nearby with a nursery to hand would be great (or PiL taking DS for longer than the 3hr hospital stay). BUT all grandchildren should be able to use those things! And if you don't see the grandparent that often, it isn't needed. And for someone to set up a nursery when you don't see them that often and they could have helped you do yours first... it would ring alarm bells for me too.

[Lulu]

Oh no, I tried this one.....'twas asking what size DP was when he was born, 3 hours later, she's still talking, only I haven't said a word in between, and she's now on to a description of all the housekeeping jobs she has had over the years.....

Errrm, yeah I hear you on that one!! My MIL can TALK . It's hysterical really because both her boys were perfect, slept through the night at 6 weeks, they never cried.......(refer to Rivlas sig!).
Although I must say, the convos have changed from having a slightly accusatory undertone (because umm, NO I won't give a 6 wk old water overnight instead of a BF to teach them not to wake up), to having MIL confess she wishes she hadn't yelled at her boys so much.....

[Mak]

DH was freaked out when my dad told him that it wasn't just his baby....it was everyone's. Now what dear old Pop meant to say was that they were all really excited about having a new grandchild and wanted to help out. What DH heard was 'WE ARE GOING TO INTERFERE AND CRITICISE'

Bottom line is that your MIL is only going to have access to your bubs on your terms. Sure you may have to hear things you don't want to and feel like you are being judged but honestly I have been shocked by that from complete strangers! I think people feel like they are 'helping' even though they have not been asked.
My IL's haven't had babies around for 30 years and FIL tried to feed both my newborns BBQ chops . He was just soo excited to have them around. I have struggled with the way they do things at times but am also mindful of the fact that they may not be around for too long and that it is a special relationship for both sides. This takes some reminding at times....but I have tried to be firm but calm about our choices without making a scene, we don't leave the kids on their own as IL's have limited English and that has always freaked me out re emergencies/ambulances etc (ridiculous I know but that is my biggest worry).
I do think I am way more undertanding of my families wierdness than DH's though so I try to be more relaxed.
Your MIL seems very excited - I'd be trying to view it as making your life easier and that she now has a common interest with you. (OT that is what happened for my Step mum and I - she has been amazing support). You never know where things will end up.....

YES it is normal to be super protective - it is a bit scary at times~!!!

Good luck

[Kitt3n]

babe you are not being a control freak

I wont even let my MIL/FIL take DD for a walk around the block.... and she is 6 months old!

I hope you can work it out babe - IL's really suck sometimes