Motherless Mothers

[Loveinamist]

Oh dear...I haven't really thought about this in so long. My mum died of secondary cancer after breast cancer 14 years ago when I was 22. I met my DH six months later so he never knew her. A PP said something about their mother not being a figment of their imagination because their DH had met them etc and that rang so true for me! Thanks for putting it into words! Also I have often said I feel like my DH never got her 'stamp of approval' and as much as I love him etc there is always that lingering feeling wondering what she would have thought of him. A lack of her 'blessing' I guess.
Someone asked about the feelings dulling or some sort of thing. I remember the first year just feeling like my heart had been ripped out. I remember waking up crying hysterically. I also remember a feeling that if I reached out my arms far enough I might one day be able to reach her (I think about that now and wonder if that is the feeling babies have when they cry and reach their little arms out to be picked up by their mummies when they wake up alone or get frightened and can't see mummy) I also remember seeing the whole of my life stretching out before me and wondering if I could go on and aching with the pain of the loneliness I could see ahead. Those were the early days.
As time went on I went through various emotions till I got to today. Some of these were jealousy of other women whinging about their pain in the neck mums. Anger at my dad for remarrying, spending all of mum's money and disrespecting her wishes. It soon became everyday life that I didn't have a mother. I forgot the sound of her voice. I felt no emotion at all apart from a sort of wistful regret on Mother's Day, her birthday etc. I would still cry about memories and I would try and keep her memory alive through talking about her. I thought I would need Mum (gosh it even feels funny typing Mum! It sort of makes her everyday, like I just got off the phone with her!) when I had my baby. I thought it would all bubble up again but unfortunately I just felt anger at her and my dad. Anger at her for Control Crying me, anger at her for not wanting to breastfeed me. I had this tiny baby and I looked at him and I couldn't understand my mum's decisions as a mother about me. Perhaps I was just angry at her for not being here anymore.
One of my biggest hurdles I have had to overcome as a motherless mother is not the practical things like not having mum here to help and guide me (although there are many times I would just love her to come round and help with the laundry or bathe the baby or whatever it is that all my friends seem to have their mums doing. Although I think that is because after spending practically all my adult life without her that I am used to coping without her by now) but it is the feeling that I had to replace her in my old nuclear family. I have spent so many years trying to establish myself as the 'matriarch' of my 'old' family. I have clashed with my dad and his new wife over this. I have upset my brother and his wife as well with my need to re-establish the old family with me as its matriarch calling the shots. I have moved countries twice in a bid to do this or escape this and now I think I am finally realising that I am a matriarch but to a new family. My little family of three. I don't know if new mums with mothers have an easier time of 'moving on' to their new family or perhaps it is harder for them because they may cling to the 'little girl' role with their mum around??
Anyway it is my mum's birthday tomorrow. So I am going to make an effort to do something for her.
Thanks for starting this thread. It has been therapeutic.

[Loveinamist]

Oh BTW we gave our son the middle name Patrick because my mum's name was Patricia. So a middle name is always an option

[Khaleesi]

TC could you use your Mum's birthstone, birth month, fav colour, fav flower?

RedRobin

TC as for the birthday i don't really have any ideas, i want to do something for my Mums.
I was thinking of going to the beach & putting some red roses in the ocean for her but i don't want to drive to far from the hospital by myself with 2 kids in tow at 38wks. So we will do it on the weekend instead.
We are baking cupcakes for her on the Wednesday & the girls will make her a card each we can put into the ocean as well.

[Khaleesi]

I did it & i survived it, i almost broke down when she mentioned My Mums passing but i stayed strong.
We had lovely weather & overall it was a perfect day

Now i just have to survive her birthday on the 21st & Bambi's birth.
Her 1yr passing is on Nov 7th but at least it's 2 months away.

[Tuesday's Child]

Glad you got a perfect day. Congratulations on your marriage.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

So glad you had a wonderful day hun

Congratulations on your marriage!

[Mad Scientist]

Congratulations Cheshire. I'm glad it was a lovely day xx

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

just checking in to see how everyone is going

afm - having a woe-is-me day - been reading thru the thread that was started about How,When,Where you born and feeling sorry for myself as i can't ask my mum anything i can't even ask my Dad as he's passed too, so just feeling really lonely and blah...not to mention that tomorrow is my Dad's bday too. just feeling all over blah blah blah...

that is all

[Malyna]

For you ladies that lost your Mum awhile ago how long did it take for you to think of them & not burst into tears or feel like your heart would explode with pain?

I know my Mum's passing is still very early & it's normal to feel like this and it probably doesn't help having these pregnancy hormones running through me but every time i think of My Mum i cry or i get this heavy feeling in my heart.
As horrible as it sounds i try not to think of her as it hurts too much & i can't deal with it.

Did/Do you ladies do anything special for Mothers Day, Birthdays etc...
One of my friends suggested baking cupcake & putting bright coloured icing on them for her Birthday this year.(My mum loved anything bright)
For Mothers Day we put some roses in the ocean for her as we scatted her ashes in the ocean & roses were her fav flower.
For Christmas we had a lavender candle for her as lavender was her favorite scent.
For Easter we put flowers in the ocean for her as well.
I don't know what to do for her 1yr passing.....

My mother died in 1998, my father in 2002. I always celebrate their birthdays, with their favourite foods. My mother was my world, I was going through a really bad patch in life when she died and I felt like everything had been taken away from me. I still miss her all these years later, but it took about 5 years for me to stop thinking "Oh I'll just ring mum and find out how to do this."

I used to get depressed but then I just decided to celebrate their birthdays instead. Christmas is hard for me because mum died on Jan 4 and my father died on 27 Jan, so I really hate January, but it's getting easier. I think my spiritual beliefs have helped me a lot.

I have a photo of my mother (still have to find one of my dad) up on the wall and I tell DS "That's your nanna". They maybe gone but they aren't forgotten.

[Tuesday's Child]

Negrita. I saw that thread too. Mum did tell me a bit about my and my brother's births but I get the details mixed up between the two. I have no idea of my dad's perspective of our births either. Be thinking of you tomorrow.

I've been having a tough couple of weeks. Mumma (Mum's mum) landed in hospital with a bladder infection. She was only in for a couple of days, but at 82 it's knocked her around a fair bit and she's still a bit shaky on her feet. For practical purposes, I'm Mumma's next of kin so I've been the one going over to help her shower, get her mail, take her shopping etc. I don't mind doing it, but it makes Mum's absence that much more apparent. Plus when I got the phone call to say that Mumma was in hospital it hit home that I am now Mumma's power of attorney and have the authority to make medical decisions if she can't (we changed it when Mum got sick). It just feels like a lot of responsibility at only 29. Not sure how things are going to go once this new bub arrives.

[Khaleesi]

Been awhile since anyone posted, so i though i'd pop in & see how we all are.

Negrita thank-you again for the lovely PM

TC how is Mumma doing?

All is going well here, Bambi is almost 3 weeks old now & it hurt a lot at first but it's getting easier.
Next month marks 1yr since mum passed

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

no worries beautiful lady I'm glad things are getting a bit easier for you and Bambi is doing well

Will be thinking of you next month hun. the first anniversary is definitely the hardest



Sent using my SamGal

[Tuesday's Child]

I was thinking of you just the other day Cheshire, wondering how you're getting on with Bambi. I agree with Negrita, the first anniversary is the hardest. Although I think the lead up to the day is worse than the actual day itself Will be thinking of you.

Mumma is doing much better. I actually haven't spoken to her for a couple of weeks but we have an agreement that if we don't hear anything then everything is well. The last time I saw her she was doing much better - able to walk around her unit without holding on to something and showering on her own. She has applied for an ACAT package and we're waiting to find out what comes of that. It would mean someone would come by to check on her once or twice a day and help her with housework, washing etc. Also, since she lives in a retirement village with a nursing home attached, if she is admitted to hospital there's the possibility of respite in the nursing home upon discharge.

[Khaleesi]

The lead up isn't fun, some days i'm fine & other i start crying for no reason.
I have been torturing myself tho, i've been listening to Roy Orbison Crying. It was the song we played after Mum passed away it was one of faves & without fail it always makes me cry but i feel some what closer to her when i play it.

Nov 7th seems to be creeping up on me

TC i'm glad Mumma is doing better sounds like she is in the right place to get help should she need it.

[LaDolceVita]

Hey girls, wondering if I could jump in here? My Mum took her own life when I was 16, so 9 years ago yesterday and my father was killed 14 years ago on the 13th of Oct when I was 11. The initial grief has of course gotten easier but I now find myself grieving for a whole new set of reasons such as my babies not having Grandparents, us not having that family unit and support most other families seem to have and that I know nothing about myself as a baby and young child, my birth, my development or anything really and don't have anyone to ask.. I was particularly close to my Dad so that little girl still lives inside and Dad is still my hero, I miss him so much.. A few other things that get me down about it as well but I can also imagine the flip side and that it would be excruciatingly difficult to have had parents around for my whole life and lose them in adulthood as well.. I suppose you'd get to know your patents on a whole new level and while u didn't get to experience that, only knowing them as a child, I just can't fathom losing a parent, your Childs grandparent, your best friend and biggest supporter as well.. Hope that makes sense. Anywhoo, hoping I could join in here as well? x

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Hey girls, wondering if I could jump in here? My Mum took her own life when I was 16, so 9 years ago yesterday and my father was killed 14 years ago on the 13th of Oct when I was 11. The initial grief has of course gotten easier but I now find myself grieving for a whole new set of reasons such as my babies not having Grandparents, us not having that family unit and support most other families seem to have and that I know nothing about myself as a baby and young child, my birth, my development or anything really and don't have anyone to ask.. I was particularly close to my Dad so that little girl still lives inside and Dad is still my hero, I miss him so much.. A few other things that get me down about it as well but I can also imagine the flip side and that it would be excruciatingly difficult to have had parents around for my whole life and lose them in adulthood as well.. I suppose you'd get to know your patents on a whole new level and while u didn't get to experience that, only knowing them as a child, I just can't fathom losing a parent, your Childs grandparent, your best friend and biggest supporter as well.. Hope that makes sense. Anywhoo, hoping I could join in here as well? x

Of course you are welcome here hun i'm very sorry for loss of both your parents - im in the same boat as you as both my parents have passed as well so i don't know much about me as a baby either which is hard now that i have my own two little girls

[Khaleesi]

I got a letter from Tobin Brothers today to say a Tribute Tree was planted in my Mums memory on the 23rd Oct.
We will be making the trip up to Yarra Valley soon to see what the park looks like etc...
10 days till her 1yr passing & i'm dreading it

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

I got a letter from Tobin Brothers today to say a Tribute Tree was planted in my Mums memory on the 23rd Oct.
We will be making the trip up to Yarra Valley soon to see what the park looks like etc...
10 days till her 1yr passing & i'm dreading it

hun....the anticipation of the lead up to the day is sometimes worse than the actual day itself