No it's not the same. It's so sad and it really sucks. She is watching over you.....I know it doesn't help much, but she is xxx:
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No it's not the same. It's so sad and it really sucks. She is watching over you.....I know it doesn't help much, but she is xxx:
Thanks girls. I am back out of anti social phase. Your kind words helped more than you will ever know :hug:
Cheshire :hug: as others have said important milestones or dates are hard.
I know the wedding will be hard, but i think having Bambi will be even harder.
Knowing they'll never meet breaks my heart....
Thanks Ladies :hug:
Big :hug: hun.....i know exactly how you feel :(:
I feel exactly the same way.:
Thirded. Much love to you Cheshire, and to the other ladies.:
I don't know where else to put this.
We found out a few days ago that we're having a girl. Even though I've had strong boy vibes since getting pregnant, I've known that should we have a girl I want to name her after mum. DH doesn't want to do this. He won't come right out and say no as he admits he feels rude, but he doesn't even want to consider it. When we have discussed boy names, I sometimes mention that I think it'd be nice to name a son after my dad. DH doesn't like either of dad's names and they are kind of difficult to work with so I can accept that. Afterall DH never met my dad and, I guess technically, he never became a grandfather.
But Mum is a different story. She was a grandmother for 7 months. Even though DD1 will not remember her and DD2 will never meet her, it feels important that they have something from her. It feels right to name DD2 after her. I know it's probably not fair to DH but I can't help it, I already think of her as Susannah.
big :hug: hun....its a hard one. i never wanted to name either of my DD's after my mum, for two reasons, one was because i thought her name was too old fashioned and two because my sister used it as a middle name for her DD. Would your husband (and you) consider using it as a middle name instead? that way you still get to honour her memory, but you both get to like the first name, itms?
:hug: what about the middle name? I've always planned that if we have a DD she will share mums middle name. In fairness to your DH I can see why he might be a bit apprehensive about the first name, but surely the middle name us a good compromise.
:hug:
:hug: TC we are having a girl also & i decided to name her after my Mum, thing is neither of us were keen on her name as it's an older style name.
So we decided to name her after her fav flower which was a Red Rose.
Could you guys do something similar?
I am a motherless mother too. A club I really wish I wasn't part of.
The naming thing is so difficult my DH wasn't keen on using family names either. In the end I found a variation of Mum's name to use as a middle name that both of us were happy with. I just looked up the meaning of Susannah and it is "Lily" according to a few sites. Could you use Lily as a 1st or 2nd name?
:hug: Lana
I've been dreaming of my Mum a lot lately, I guess i've been thinking about her a lot more than i realize :(
:hug: :hug: Lana and Cheshire
Thanks everyone for your input. It helped to get it out the other night rather than stewing over it. The thing is Mum never even liked her name (she was Susan but not even her mother dared call her that, she always went by Sue) and it only occurred to me a couple of months ago to use Susannah instead. It feels right for this bub though - as though she's picked her own name out. But the fact that I'm missing mum so much is probably clouding things a bit.
Lana thanks so much for looking up the meaning. Lily was on our list for DD1 so it may be a good compromise.
Had a good chat with DH about it. Even if he liked the name Susannah, he wants our children to have their own names. Not names that could place expectations or be a basis for comparisons to other family members. It makes sense, but it still feels like the name is right for this girl. And it didn't stop him from thinking that we'd settled on the middle name being his grandmother's :rolleyes:
Change of topic. It's mum's birthday next week and her best friend keeps asking what we're going to do for it. He just turned 60 and they used to celebrate their birthdays together. We didn't do anything last year because it was still too raw so I didn't think we'd do anything this year either. Any ideas?
Oh dear...I haven't really thought about this in so long. My mum died of secondary cancer after breast cancer 14 years ago when I was 22. I met my DH six months later so he never knew her. A PP said something about their mother not being a figment of their imagination because their DH had met them etc and that rang so true for me! Thanks for putting it into words! Also I have often said I feel like my DH never got her 'stamp of approval' and as much as I love him etc there is always that lingering feeling wondering what she would have thought of him. A lack of her 'blessing' I guess.
Someone asked about the feelings dulling or some sort of thing. I remember the first year just feeling like my heart had been ripped out. I remember waking up crying hysterically. I also remember a feeling that if I reached out my arms far enough I might one day be able to reach her (I think about that now and wonder if that is the feeling babies have when they cry and reach their little arms out to be picked up by their mummies when they wake up alone or get frightened and can't see mummy) I also remember seeing the whole of my life stretching out before me and wondering if I could go on and aching with the pain of the loneliness I could see ahead. Those were the early days.
As time went on I went through various emotions till I got to today. Some of these were jealousy of other women whinging about their pain in the neck mums. Anger at my dad for remarrying, spending all of mum's money and disrespecting her wishes. It soon became everyday life that I didn't have a mother. I forgot the sound of her voice. I felt no emotion at all apart from a sort of wistful regret on Mother's Day, her birthday etc. I would still cry about memories and I would try and keep her memory alive through talking about her. I thought I would need Mum (gosh it even feels funny typing Mum! It sort of makes her everyday, like I just got off the phone with her!) when I had my baby. I thought it would all bubble up again but unfortunately I just felt anger at her and my dad. Anger at her for Control Crying me, anger at her for not wanting to breastfeed me. I had this tiny baby and I looked at him and I couldn't understand my mum's decisions as a mother about me. Perhaps I was just angry at her for not being here anymore.
One of my biggest hurdles I have had to overcome as a motherless mother is not the practical things like not having mum here to help and guide me (although there are many times I would just love her to come round and help with the laundry or bathe the baby or whatever it is that all my friends seem to have their mums doing. Although I think that is because after spending practically all my adult life without her that I am used to coping without her by now) but it is the feeling that I had to replace her in my old nuclear family. I have spent so many years trying to establish myself as the 'matriarch' of my 'old' family. I have clashed with my dad and his new wife over this. I have upset my brother and his wife as well with my need to re-establish the old family with me as its matriarch calling the shots. I have moved countries twice in a bid to do this or escape this and now I think I am finally realising that I am a matriarch but to a new family. My little family of three. I don't know if new mums with mothers have an easier time of 'moving on' to their new family or perhaps it is harder for them because they may cling to the 'little girl' role with their mum around??
Anyway it is my mum's birthday tomorrow. So I am going to make an effort to do something for her.
Thanks for starting this thread. It has been therapeutic. :)
Oh BTW we gave our son the middle name Patrick because my mum's name was Patricia. So a middle name is always an option
TC could you use your Mum's birthstone, birth month, fav colour, fav flower?
:hug: RedRobin
TC as for the birthday i don't really have any ideas, i want to do something for my Mums.
I was thinking of going to the beach & putting some red roses in the ocean for her but i don't want to drive to far from the hospital by myself with 2 kids in tow at 38wks. So we will do it on the weekend instead.
We are baking cupcakes for her on the Wednesday & the girls will make her a card each we can put into the ocean as well.
I did it & i survived it, i almost broke down when she mentioned My Mums passing but i stayed strong.
We had lovely weather & overall it was a perfect day :D
Now i just have to survive her birthday on the 21st & Bambi's birth.
Her 1yr passing is on Nov 7th but at least it's 2 months away.
Glad you got a perfect day. Congratulations on your marriage.
So glad you had a wonderful day hun :hug:
Congratulations on your marriage!
Congratulations Cheshire. I'm glad it was a lovely day xx
just checking in to see how everyone is going :hug:
afm - having a woe-is-me day :( - been reading thru the thread that was started about How,When,Where you born and feeling sorry for myself as i can't ask my mum anything :cry: i can't even ask my Dad as he's passed too, so just feeling really lonely and blah...not to mention that tomorrow is my Dad's bday too. just feeling all over blah blah blah...
that is all
My mother died in 1998, my father in 2002. I always celebrate their birthdays, with their favourite foods. My mother was my world, I was going through a really bad patch in life when she died and I felt like everything had been taken away from me. I still miss her all these years later, but it took about 5 years for me to stop thinking "Oh I'll just ring mum and find out how to do this.":
I used to get depressed but then I just decided to celebrate their birthdays instead. Christmas is hard for me because mum died on Jan 4 and my father died on 27 Jan, so I really hate January, but it's getting easier. I think my spiritual beliefs have helped me a lot.
I have a photo of my mother (still have to find one of my dad) up on the wall and I tell DS "That's your nanna". They maybe gone but they aren't forgotten.
:hug: Negrita. I saw that thread too. Mum did tell me a bit about my and my brother's births but I get the details mixed up between the two. I have no idea of my dad's perspective of our births either. Be thinking of you tomorrow.
I've been having a tough couple of weeks. Mumma (Mum's mum) landed in hospital with a bladder infection. She was only in for a couple of days, but at 82 it's knocked her around a fair bit and she's still a bit shaky on her feet. For practical purposes, I'm Mumma's next of kin so I've been the one going over to help her shower, get her mail, take her shopping etc. I don't mind doing it, but it makes Mum's absence that much more apparent. Plus when I got the phone call to say that Mumma was in hospital it hit home that I am now Mumma's power of attorney and have the authority to make medical decisions if she can't (we changed it when Mum got sick). It just feels like a lot of responsibility at only 29. Not sure how things are going to go once this new bub arrives.
Been awhile since anyone posted, so i though i'd pop in & see how we all are.
Negrita thank-you again for the lovely PM :hug:
TC how is Mumma doing?
All is going well here, Bambi is almost 3 weeks old now & it hurt a lot at first but it's getting easier.
Next month marks 1yr since mum passed :(
no worries beautiful lady :hug: I'm glad things are getting a bit easier for you and Bambi is doing well :)
Will be thinking of you next month hun. the first anniversary is definitely the hardest :( :hug::hug:
Sent using my SamGal ;)
I was thinking of you just the other day Cheshire, wondering how you're getting on with Bambi. I agree with Negrita, the first anniversary is the hardest. Although I think the lead up to the day is worse than the actual day itself :hug: Will be thinking of you.
Mumma is doing much better. I actually haven't spoken to her for a couple of weeks :redface: but we have an agreement that if we don't hear anything then everything is well. The last time I saw her she was doing much better - able to walk around her unit without holding on to something and showering on her own. She has applied for an ACAT package and we're waiting to find out what comes of that. It would mean someone would come by to check on her once or twice a day and help her with housework, washing etc. Also, since she lives in a retirement village with a nursing home attached, if she is admitted to hospital there's the possibility of respite in the nursing home upon discharge.
The lead up isn't fun, some days i'm fine & other i start crying for no reason.
I have been torturing myself tho, i've been listening to Roy Orbison Crying. It was the song we played after Mum passed away it was one of faves & without fail it always makes me cry but i feel some what closer to her when i play it.
Nov 7th seems to be creeping up on me :(
TC i'm glad Mumma is doing better sounds like she is in the right place to get help should she need it.
Hey girls, wondering if I could jump in here? My Mum took her own life when I was 16, so 9 years ago yesterday and my father was killed 14 years ago on the 13th of Oct when I was 11. The initial grief has of course gotten easier but I now find myself grieving for a whole new set of reasons such as my babies not having Grandparents, us not having that family unit and support most other families seem to have and that I know nothing about myself as a baby and young child, my birth, my development or anything really and don't have anyone to ask.. I was particularly close to my Dad so that little girl still lives inside and Dad is still my hero, I miss him so much.. A few other things that get me down about it as well but I can also imagine the flip side and that it would be excruciatingly difficult to have had parents around for my whole life and lose them in adulthood as well.. I suppose you'd get to know your patents on a whole new level and while u didn't get to experience that, only knowing them as a child, I just can't fathom losing a parent, your Childs grandparent, your best friend and biggest supporter as well.. Hope that makes sense. Anywhoo, hoping I could join in here as well? x
Of course you are welcome here hun :hug: i'm very sorry for loss of both your parents :hug::hug: - im in the same boat as you as both my parents have passed as well so i don't know much about me as a baby either which is hard now that i have my own two little girls :(:
I got a letter from Tobin Brothers today to say a Tribute Tree was planted in my Mums memory on the 23rd Oct.
We will be making the trip up to Yarra Valley soon to see what the park looks like etc...
10 days till her 1yr passing & i'm dreading it :(
:hug: hun....the anticipation of the lead up to the day is sometimes worse than the actual day itself :comfort::
Cheshire - :hug: I've been wondering how you're doing :hug:
Alicia - Of course you're welcome here. I'm sorry for the loss of both your parents :hug: I've also lost both of mine.
How was yesterday Cheshire? I've been thinking of you :hug:
I spent all morning crying, but once i got it all out i felt better.
It was hard but not as hard as i thought. You ladies were right the lead up is actually worse than the day it self.
On Sunday went spent the day at the beach & put some beautiful yellow roses in the ocean for her.
Thanks for asking TC :hug:
big :hug: beautiful lady - i'm glad you got through it :comfort::
Thanks & :hug: x
:hug: Glad you got through it hun :hug:
More milestones without my mum and I am beginning to realise just how much my girls will miss out on by not having their grandmother here.
Coming up to 3 years on the 22nd December, Christmas, and Marley's 1st birthday in February.
I don't think my eldest can remember her much at all anymore, breaks my heart. She came home from kinder the other day and told me that I will "have a new mummy, mum. Sofia's mummy can be your mum, it will be ok, you can get a new mum." Love their simplistic view of the world, but it really did bring home just how finite life can be.
Hope you are all well x
Big :hug: hun...its such a shi**y place to be.:
will be thinking of you on the 22nd Dec :hug: