if you wanna run away for abit then say so, tell him you need some space and he or you can go stay somewhere else.
It may help him to realise what he has done REALLY affected you.
doesnt matter is you are over reacting or not, its your reaction, your feelings. and he has to fix what he broke. NOT YOU FIX, he fix.
Hugs
Maybe show him this thread? Show him that your reaction is actually fairly lenient, compared to what other people would do given a similar situation. But also to show him what your real feeling are. I also think it might be a good thing if you lost it with him. Show him that you really have taken this VERY seriously and that his actions are not nothing. This situation isn't to be treated lightly. This is your relationship and your feelings he's playing with.
And if you can, get away. Be alone. Really take the time to meditate over it all. Think for yourself, without anyone else (him/children/family/friends) being part of it.
I think that if you were inclined to let loose on him, you would have done it already. Just be true to yourself, and if that means being cautious and not melting down at him, then keep doing that. As you said, he already knows he stuffed up, and no amount of yelling and crying is going to change the reasons he did it, or the fact that he doesn't seem ready to look into how to fix things.
Definitely get away if you can. Not to teach him a lesson, but to give yourself time and space to think about what you want and what you need from him that are non-negotiable.
Don't do things for his benefit, and that includes uncharacteristic displays of emotion.
I think you're still going about it very well, under the circumstances
Well 3LM - DH did read parts of the thread, he stumbled upon it rather than me pointing him to it (history setting on the laptop). And I feel relieved that he has read it TBH. It provoked conversation which helped me ascertain why he did what he did - because if he couldn't give me an answer it'd really bother me and kinda leave the door open for a repeat. I am still a bit dumbfounded by his actions!
Where to from here? A day at a time. He is quite aware if there is a next time that it'll be the last time. I stand solid on that one. Thats a non-negotiable, a promise I made and I stick to my promises.
Thank you all for your support, hugs, honesty, wisdom and patience! I really appreciate it!
I am still unsure on that one. Now that I have somewhat of an explanation - which certainly doesn't negate his actions - I don't feel like I want to thrash out the details agai (well, at this point in time anyway - I'm leaving the door open to change my mind)!
My advice to you is this. He needs to show you now he respects you. Reaffirm that. Till you trust him again. And if he doesn't do that no matter how you feel today, and if there is a next time or not, There will be a hole in your marriage. And surely but slowly the edges will continue to crumble and eventually you'll have a gaping canyon. Please take this seriously. Trust is huge. Betraying that is massive. This is not about you being patient or a better person. This is about you respecting yourself by expecting a level of respect in return. And it's about him not thinking this is just a little bump in the road and that you need to get over it. No way. Good luck
Ladybird, I totally get not wanting to thrash it all out now, but do make sure he knows this conversation isn't over and can be revisited as often as necessary "unless and until" you feel he gets it.
When I was much younger I was living with the man I thought I was going to be with forever. We were at the reception for a wedding where I was in the bridal party, and some trollop decided she wanted him (what is it about predatory females? Makes me sick). They got very drunk, disappeared together, my world imploded. It gets worse, but not relevant, except to say that the next morning he woke full of contrition, biggest mistake, so terribly sorry, whatever.
We tried to make it work after that, but I was supposed to just forget it ever happened and move on. I wasn't allowed to bring it up, I assume because he was ashamed, which meant I couldn't heal or move past it. Needless to say we never recovered, but I believe still that if we'd done the work things might have been different.
You didn't overreact, don't let him play this down or make you the bad guy.
Big hugs
Thank you for your wise words there Rouge and LittleLara...
It is funny you say that...since my last post it seems the 'bump' has been forgotten about and I was wondering if its 'okay' to bring it up again for fear of being the nag...I don't think there are any rule books here which I need to follow though.
Today I guess I'm showing some trust in that he's gone to the Adelaide Royal Show - a place where we ran into this 'so called friend' last year. So I'm a bit nervous he'll run into her there. I did mention it to him and he said he'd turn and walk in another direction and act like he never saw her.
I guess I'm just trying to act how I would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. I'm trying to be as true to myself as I can
Can you trust him when he tells you tonight that she wasn't there? Or will you doubt him?
How someone wants to be treated and how they deserve to be treated are often two different things. Everyone wants to be treated with trust and respect. Those who abuse the trust and disrespect others - they don't deserve the treatment they want. Hugs to you. You're doing such a good job, I'm just scared that he'll think he's "in the clear" or that you don't feel so deeply about it: he went from saying he knew it was wrong to thinking it isn't just in the life of this thread and you're still being lovely to him. I couldn't do that, kudos to you.
Last edited by Ca Plane Pour Moi; September 7th, 2012 at 06:33 PM.
: spelling
I'm wondering how I can instil that he's not yet in the clear, without going over the topic anymore? As I would like to keep this in the forefront of his mind for awhile without being so obvious about it?? Or is that being ridiculous?
He came home, I haven't asked if he ran into her - but I'm fairly sure if he had he would have told me. Don't even ask me why I'm so confident, its just a feeling!......Hang on, he did watch the cows today - maybe he did see her after all
I actually think you're in a fair bit of denial over how much serious damage he has caused here, which is normal. I just worry that he will hope and expect this to fade into the past without him acknowledging that he actually needs to *do* proactive things to fix what he's done. If that doesn't happen, resentment will just build and build, even if you don't feel like it will now, I promise you it will
Do you, honestly, trust him 100% to go out on his own, be on facebook on his own, talk to certain people?
How can he earn that trust back? Texting you to check in every couple of hours? Culling certain people from his life and allowing you to check this has really happened? Internet site blocks, or you having full access to his FB/email?
Actually talking in full about how he is going to avoid the temptation to be stupid in the future, how he will put you first and seeing that this is not on, rather than just "ooopsie".
I agree with TFB, having full access to 'him' In essence, to be able to check up on him when how and where ever you feel it necessary. But I also think that is why counselling would be important. You need to redefine boundaries. You need full disclosure. He needs to realise the seriousness of his actions. You both need support and help. Together and alone.
Well for one, I wouldn't be happy with him going somewhere he knows full well the woman whom he wants to see in a bikini and likely a lot less could be. I wouldn't trust for a second that he'd tell you if he saw her tbh. Also, allowing you to talk about it whenever you needed to, not being dismissive or shutting the conversation down. He wants you to just get over it. That's not trying to me. His reasons for doing what he did were shonky and weak, he's not owning up to what he's done.
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