Is online flirting ok?

[LimeSlice]

I've gotta ask a really silly question, what should he do to fix what he's done - because I honestly can't think of a thing!

Only YOU can answer that. Perhaps ask him what he thinks he can do to help repair the broken trust too.

This really is about what YOU can live with, what you want to happen from here and how you want it to happen.
The only person who needs to be satisfied with his answers and explanations is YOU. We can't tell you what to believe or how to feel.

[~clover~]

Yep. Allowing you to see his FB messages whenever you please. Check his phone if you feel the need. Not going places she'll likely be, or if he has to, you going with him. Being honest & telling you if he does see her.

I agree that you need to get him to see this is more serious than he thinks. Otherwise he won't see anything wrong with doing it again. You need to set a boundary now. If flirting on facebook is acceptable, he won't see anything wrong with pushing the next boundary until he's caught. Then what? Getting over it & waiting for the next boundary to be pushed? You need to draw that line now. Make it very clear that if you ever catch him doing any flirting like this, of ANY kind (FB, text, in person) that its over. Not another word will be said. Even if you think you wouldn't walk away, make him believe it anyway. If he's going to risk you walking away, then you will know where you stand & that you probably shouldn't be there in the first place.

[fionas]

I agree with much of what's already been said.

I've put up with a lot of things from my DP that I wasn't happy about. Not the same as your situation but bad temper, emotional manipulation and various other things where nothing is big enough to walk away but there is enough to really weaken the relationship and cause a lot of resentment.

DP has 'got away with it' for a very long time because I didn't set a boundary - I didn't say 'if you keep treating me like this, I will walk away.' And I should have done.

I know from experience that it's really tempting when the other person says 'let's move on' to think, 'yes, that sounds sensible' - why keep going over the same old ground. DP is a master at saying 'I can't change the past, I can only work on the future'. Sounds appealing doesn't it? But the problem is that the actions of the past cause hurt and resentment.

As to what to do - well yes, that's entirely up to you. I haven't said to my DP - 'if you talk to me like that again, I'm leaving' because I think that's too big a call but I have made it very clear to him that what he's done has seriously damaged the relationship and there needs to be change if I'm going to stick with it.

He needs to work out why he was flirting/making arrangements in the first place, what made him feel he wanted to do that and how can he avoid doing it again. Saying, "I won't do it again," doesn't really cut it and wouldn't give me much reassurance.

[beansbeans!]

He has gone beyond flirting and what he was doing is wrong. All that has been said already.
But he cannot do anything to gain your trust, only time and you letting down your guard will get that trust back. But he needs to realise he was doing the wrong thing, that its not acceptable, that he crossed a line and has hurt you.

[Chrispe]

"I've gotta ask a really silly question, what should he do to fix what he's done - because I honestly can't think of a thing!"

I agree with what the others said above. Also something else a friend of mine did when this happened in her relationship was she told her DH he had to 'woo' her again.
Basically show her she was his only one, take her out on dates, Buy her special things, let her know he cares about her. Think about it as 'starting from scratch' again. If he wants time from you then he needs to organise time to be with you.

Hugs, I hope things work out for you.

[Mother Goose]

I know this has sucked for you and in sorry I've only just found this thread. I think you've handled it so so well. I wouldn't be so calm. Trust your gut but don't be afraid to tell him exactly what he needs to do to earn your trust again. Spell it out. Make him block her if you feel it's warranted.

Call me any time.

[littlelara]

Ooh, I really like chrispe's answer. Time together doesn't just magically happen, not when you're working so hard. If he wants it he can make it happen. It's the least you deserve. Let him woo you.
What he did was the actions of a spoilt baby who's feeling neglected. He needs to be a grown up.
Also, has he removed her from fb? Do you have his passwords? Even if you never want or intend to use them, it might be good to know you can, iTMS.
I really believe in transparency in all things.

[Sopdet]

My x went to counselling once and sat there and basically stated he wasn't going to cut the person out of his life because they were friends. He couldn't see what was wrong with what he'd done. They were in an emotional affair way before it became physical (this time, he'd done it numerous times before with her with past partners which I found out after we totally split). The emotional affair part was way more damaging to us as a couple than the physical was. I could never trust him again & he wasn't prepared to do anything to help rebuild that trust.

We had a lot of other issues (abusive relationship, his undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder), but the betrayal of trust was the worst by far.

Now, for me, in relationships, trust is the most important thing, if they do anything to erode the trust they are sent packing. This is something they are told about at the start, they know there are consequences to their actions, I am now a strong enough person to follow through.

[ladybird11]

Sorry, I did reply yesterday but lost the post :-/

I agree Limeslice, I guess I have to sit down and have a bit of a think about what I need to happen. I honestly feel that it will just be time. As much as as I love presents, the happiness associated with them are usually only temporary.

After this incident came to light he deactivated his FB off his own back and hasn't been on since. I don't mind him being on FB at all now (due to being busy with our schedules we get little time to interact with our real friends, FB is a means to maintain somewhat of a connection, as long as its with the right people!), thus I've told him he needs to de-friend her if he does choose to reactivate FB - but he is pretty dead set that he doesn't want to go near it again.

I don't want passwords and access to his accounts. I will happily ask him and hope he gives an honest reply as a means to help rebuild trust, if I learn of any lies then there is big trouble - possibly irreconcilable IYKWIM.

As for the ladies who've had it much harder than me, I send you my virtual hugs. You must be so strong - I wish I had half your strength!

[Smoke Jaguar]

The way you are handling this has nothing to do with not having enough strength to do anything else. It's a lot to do with the strength to be true to yourself and do what you need to do to see this time through.
I would be doing something similar. For me it would be a matter of hoping he'll tell the truth and if he doesn't then until I get the gut feeling that he's hiding something it's up to him to reconcile within himself and decide where he wants to be. If he wanted to stay with me and still felt a pull towards to someone else then he would really need to work on what was going on with that, and that may also possibly mean I'd have to decide where I wanted to be, under what terms and weigh that up with what work we'd BOTH have to do to achieve our goal, or separate goals.
I guess I'm just not into forcing a relationship for the sake of a relationship if one or both people have departed from it. I was nearly there and I was going through the motions of the relationship and DP was stubbornly sticking to it even though I wanted out. He stuck to it long enough for me to realise there was a glimmer of hope left in what we had. Sometimes I still have to look for that glimmer. It's still there, so I am too.
It's not about some idea of strength, but about what you need to do xx

[sushee]

I don't think I would ever ask for access to my partner's FB accounts or phone. I don't think trust is built that way personally. I think him deactivating his FB account of his own back was a good start, but I agree, this is going to take time. If he doesn't do it again, it'll happen. If he does, then I think you will decide then what you will do.

[littlelara]

It's not that I think you SHOULD check up on him, it's more that for me, at least, knowing I could would give a some small comfort in the wee hours when these things become larger than life, itms?
It's like when I gave up smoking. I kept one in a packet knowing that if I really 'needed' to, the option was there. I never did, but I would have got more anxious and probably had to buy a packet without it.
You handle things the way you're comfortable hon, I hope he proves you right x

[Rouge]

If I were caught flirting/cheating on fb. To prove myself I'd probably give it up freely. Me and DH know each others passwords for everything. Not because we are worried or stalk. Just because it doesn't make a difference to know them. But we aren't normal. I know that

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DH and I have access to each other's FB accounts and phones anyway: not that we use it (or at least I don't), but as there's nothing to hide there's no point in changing passwords or suchlike so the other cannot access it. (DH did freak out when he logged into my e-mail instead of his and started shouting that he didn't know who X was who was e-mailing him: my friend e-mailing me. All happy again.)

However, if you're happy without access then don't ask for it. If you don't want it there is no point.

[PumpkinZulu]

As someone whose partner broke my trust with online stuff, complete transparency is essential. That means access to FB, emails, texts, everything. It may not be for everyone and certainly isn't necessary in an undamaged, normal relationship, but for us it's been a huge help in healing and regaining trust. It's what every counsellor we've seen has advocated. But it only works if both people are on board. If one or more parties don't want that/aren't happy with that, that's fine.

[nothing2lose]

It's easy to give someone your FB password, your email password, access to your phone, your Internet login.

The only thing easier is to have other FB accounts, email addresses, even phones...Ones that your other half know nothing about.

Trust is not built through constant surveillance or monitoring. If anything it breeds mistrust.

[Rouge]

No of course not. But I guess that's why it's never occurred to us to keep it private. Because we trust each other. And if I thought for one second my partner would be creating false accounts to mess around I'd probably call it a day

[Astrid]

It's easy to give someone your FB password, your email password, access to your phone, your Internet login.

The only thing easier is to have other FB accounts, email addresses, even phones...Ones that your other half know nothing about.

Trust is not built through constant surveillance or monitoring. If anything it breeds mistrust.

I completely agree. DH has betrayed my trust with an online emotional relationship and a real life one (not that he sees it). Even with that, I would not demand his passwords etc, Whilst a part of me would want to control that much, the major part of me actually feels sick at the concept. They are grown men, not little children to be monitored and if I felt the need to monitor every move, then for me the damage as gone to far.