Is online flirting ok?

[nothing2lose]

I agree Astrid. It also feeds paranoia.

[sushee]

DP has the password to my phone. And as he hosts my email account, I imagine if he really wanted to he could read my emails. It doesn't occur to me that he would, and if he did, I guess my biggest worry is him finding out how much I spend on shoes.

But it's different if he demands it, or I do. I don't think I could do it. And I don't expect him to. It's just one of those things I don't agree with, and that's me. So I get where ladybird is coming from.

[Tinks]

Me and DH know each others passwords for everything. Not because we are worried or stalk. Just because it doesn't make a difference to know them. But we aren't normal. I know that

I'm not sure how that isn't normal? I thought most couples shared passwords etc, maybe we're not normal either

[Astrid]

DP has the password to my phone. And as he hosts my email account, I imagine if he really wanted to he could read my emails. It doesn't occur to me that he would, and if he did, I guess my biggest worry is him finding out how much I spend on shoes.

But it's different if he demands it, or I do. I don't think I could do it. And I don't expect him to. It's just one of those things I don't agree with, and that's me. So I get where ladybird is coming from.

We are pretty much the same. No demanding, we can get on each other computers any time. I only every log out of all of my stuff when he takes my laptop for work travel and that is more of a security measure in case someone steals it. The only thing he says is that he does not want access to the bank accounts, as he is crap with money. Yes, he has been a stoopid boy in the past, any snooping to find more stupidity takes way to much emotional energy (I know how obsessed and psycho I can become )

[PumpkinZulu]

Well I disagree with that I'm certainly not paranoid, and I trust DH more now than I did a year ago. It's a variable thing; lying was a big part of DH's problem. Accountability kept him honest until he decided he could do that on his own. I certainly am not snooping constantly or paranoid...I have software that tells me if ever i need worry about what DH is doing online to do that for me But if I feel the need, I can check whatever I please. So can DH with me. I have nothing to hide. And it's finally at the point where he doesn't either, I can say that with 99% confidence. I don't think I'm breeding anything like that, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

[OceanPrincess]

I'm not sure how that isn't normal? I thought most couples shared passwords etc, maybe we're not normal either

We're the same in this house. Possibly because my "standard" password has become our wifi password and several other things too, so he knows it by default.

[~clover~]

I agree. When my ex was up to no good. I had the freedom to go through the phone & fb if I wanted. I chose not to, because I wanted to prove my trust to him & that we could get through it.

But then the phone was even going into the shower with him, when he was trying to fix his family. If I didn't take his phone while he was asleep, I wouldn't have known he was telling this girl he missed her while he was trying to fix 'us'. For me just leaving the phone out in the open would be necessary. Even though i probably would't go through it.

[nothing2lose]

I guess my point is that liars are going to lie, cheaters are going to cheat no matter how many passwords they give you.

Relationships have to be built on trust and monitoring is not trusting behaviour.

Of course though, people are free to do what they like in their relationships

[Catastrophic]

I don't think getting the passwords is going to make you trust anymore. With me it made me feel a little more paranoid. Especially since I caught his just deleting anything he didn't want me to read. He would still be doing the same things just got better at hiding it. It didn't help with the trust issues we had and ultimately just served me more pain and heart ache.

I hope that in time your DH proves that you can trust him, there is no awesome answer to how that will happen, there is no magic cure to make it all go away - for you I wish there was a way to take away your heartache and make things better. Xoxox


Cat xox

[SunnyRain]

I find it suspicious that he deleted his facebook account. Was he burying a lot more history than he was prepared to risk you finding? Why couldn't he just delete her what will stop him starting a new facebook account with a clear history?

I just... That doesn't ring true to me, we all use facebook as an extension of how we communicate. To delete his entire account smells rotten to me.

I hesitated for days before writing this, I don't want to upset you or make things worse when I know this is really really difficult, but I'm just not sure that was a positive move he made.

[PumpkinZulu]

Yeah well, my husband didn't deserve trust, he have away that privilege after the millionth time lying to me. I'd have been a fool to trust him any more than I did. Those sentiments don't really apply when trust has been forfeited by lie upon lie. When you don't have trust to build from, you've got to start from somewhere. You don't just trust an alcoholic to walk into a bar and not take a drink. Not for a very, very long time. He sets up accountability so that if that happens, people will know, he will get help, and he can keep trying to recover. That's how addicts get better. The fact that I can now trust what my DH says to me is the truth is because of the fact that I know, through hard evidence, that he is not lying. With time, I will be able to do that again without the need to check every now and then. 6+ months ago, I needed to check every day. Now, maybe once a week. Trust is slowly getting restored, working towards that holy grail here, but after what we've been through, it would be sheer idiocy for trust to be implied. And how awesome will that be? Until then though, this is actually a legitimate way for us both to recover from what has happened, and I'm so glad I haven't been told what a relationship does and doesn't 'have' to have (by someone else's definition) before now. How awesome is it that not everyone's relationships are all the same though?

[Smoke Jaguar]

I think that's the difference here, PZ - this seems to be a relationship issue, and not an addiction one, which requires a very different approach. With an addict you almost become a carer. With infidelity you're not caretaking the other person and what they do with their freedom is really what will determine the outcome.
Kuraiza raises a really good point. Depending on what his FB use was before, he's cutting loose a lot of other ties, not just his tie to her. It raises more questions than it puts to rest and may be worthy of a further conversation.

[PumpkinZulu]

Oh I agree Mayaness, I'm just responding directly to N2L now, as she seems to be responding to me. I'm not going to presume to tell the OP that she shouldn't do something though, if she thinks it will help her relationship. Nor will I say she should do things either. Different strokes and all.

As for getting rid of his FB, I think that's positive and it was off his own bat which is even better. You can't actually delete a FB, it's just deactivated, so all that information is there should it be reactivated again.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I dunno - I know for me, I have a lot of friends at the pub. In order to challenge my drinking, I have to cut out the pub. Not just my favourite drinking buddy. I can't say "I'll see my other friends at the pub" - the temptation is still there. (Now I need a drink just thinking about the trauma of giving up the pub.)

Could be there was another - but could be he's cutting off temptation as much as possible, knowing that FB was where he went wrong in the first place.

[nothing2lose]

Uuummmm, nope PZ. I was responding to TFB, Rouge and Sushee's posts, then Astrid's. They were the ones who brought up sharing passwords. Then my last point was a response to Cat. Not guilty

Eta - clover, not cat

[PumpkinZulu]

Oh okay. I brought up sharing passwords also. It's fine, I must be extremely self absorbed and paranoid

[nothing2lose]

I brought up sharing passwords also. It's fine, I must be extremely self absorbed and paranoid.

Uuummmm....maybe?

[Rouge]

We're all self absorbed and paranoid.

I'm worried this thread has gone completely off topic. And what was supposed to be a helpful post to the OP is now a conversation about privacy and FB passwords. And my tongue is firmly planted in my cheek