Is online flirting ok?

[Smoke Jaguar]

I think a good counselling session could explore the rationale of deactivating a lot better.
I'm just perturbed by him going these changes alone - there's no discussion of it and how it's aim is to fix the relationship. I'd like to think that the measures he looks like he's putting into place had a clear and communicable rationale so that you're both on the same page. Being the lone wolf of change worries me, because it cuts you out of the recovery process, somewhat. If you don't have this sense, then ignore me

[Butterfly Dawn]

Personally I would tell him he needs to work out ways to make us better. Wooing is a good start. Date nights stuff to help you connect again as a couple. Things to give you positive history again and make you both feel good.
Cheating happens when connections are lost. Mostly.
Its Interesting to see how "the village" handles things.

[ladybird11]

That is probably the truth of it doubletrouble - lost connection. But that is still no excuse (not that I know you're implying that ) for his behaviour. A conversation should have occurred between us before he resorted to what he did eh?

We have NIL family to assist watching the kids, the only reprieve we really get is if we go to the gym and they're in the creche, when they're asleep, or when we are at work (in which case they're left with the other parent). One or both of us always has the kids in tow. MIL is sleeping over in October and DH had organised us to have a night away (before this all happened). So that's something, not too long to go.

[sushee]

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I’ve been involved in online flirting while in a relationship. When I felt like I was being neglected or ignored, I sought out people to talk to, and have gotten into situations where some guy is getting more friendly than is appropriate, and I’ve gone with it.

And while I can say that yes, it’s because I felt disconnected from my partner at the time, or it’s because it was flattering, or it gave me an ego boost, after just one conversation I experienced guilt, like I was cheating, so I knew it was wrong, and I stopped it. I think continuing despite the guilt is a conscious investment in someone else, and I think that it leaves no room for you and him to fix things.

This is the part I guess you need to make clear to him. That what he gave away hurts, and that hurt doesn’t just fix itself. He may say that it meant nothing, but what it meant to you was his unwillingness to mend the disconnection, and instead was willing to spend his energies on someone else. I don’t think he ‘resorted’ to this, in that context, if you know what I mean, he chose this over working on you, and he needs to own that.

[ladybird11]

See? You ladies are so much better with your words than I am.

That makes perfect sense Sushee - thank you for wording it so well. X

[Butterfly Dawn]

I was speaking from my own experience, Im glad u didn't take it wrong. I wasn't implying anything
If 1 isn't happy then 1should say so in my book.
why do men say "it didn't mean anything" when it has ripped apart a ladies world? it is so rude and disrespectful to us.
Im think your strong and your forgiveness is something he should be working hard for.
hugs

[BellyBelly]

I agree, its about needs not being met/lack of connection... some just choose to deal with it in inappropriate ways. I too have been guilty of it when I didn't have the emotional or physical tools to know how to deal with feeling disconnected, in a way that got through or worked. But now I am older and wiser, I wouldn't do things that I did in the past. I really love my man so much and now I know how much this relies on regular communication and connection, us time, and for me to be just as equally responsible for initiating it or ensuring it happens. He's gotten loads better at remembering too, which has just made the relationship even stronger - but it took some time! Gotta train up these men LOL.

It's a great opportunity to open up the lines of communication and for him to talk about his needs and you yours - and how to go about that. Trust is a tough thing, I know, there is no relationship without trust. Men do have a need to be trusted (as we all do) but if you believe that you can get past this and trust again (as I am sure he knows if it happens again, he's in serious trouble), you can have much more productive discussion about it - and keep touching base to see how its all going. People can change, I really do believe that. But it has to be important enough to them to do it. Most of us don't make drastic changes unless we've hit a bad place which motivates us enough or if we truly want to grow.

Good luck hun. The best relationships often have had the biggest challenges - I have seen several amongst friends including infidelity. But they get through and have something amazing. If its not meant to be, then its not meant to be, but you can put your best self forward and know that you did a damn good job of it - and for that you will be rewarded, now or later.

[ladybird11]

I guess the fact that despite things on the surface appear ok and happy, that when an issue arises and I get mad or sad - this topic creeps back up into my mind (regardless if there is any relevance to the issue at hand) - is not a good sign...right?

[sushee]

All it means is that you don't feel like it's resolved. It doesn't mean it's going to feel like that forever, but he needs to help you out there. You need to be able to talk things out, about how you feel, and how it has affected you. I know he doesn't want to rehash it but until you are able to resolve it, with his help, you will likely always struggle with it. Is that what he wants?

[BellyBelly]

Its a female thing, how we're designed Because we attach feelings to events and thats why we remember everything someone has done wrong when we fight. But, you can try and focus on the good things, the good memories - make an effort to notice and compliment the good he does and has done. Because two main reasons: men do love to make their women happy. Everything they do, they say they just want us to be happy. Even my man, if I ask him what he wants when we have important decisions to make, he'll say, 'I just want you to be happy.' If they feel like they arent making us happy they tend to feel unhappy and as if they have failed - can cause them to withdraw. So when we thank them for the good, they do more good. And also I truly believe in the law of attraction. What we focus on we get more of. And the more intensely we focus on it, the more it happens and faster! Just changing what you choose to focus on and what thoughts you focus on can make a huge difference to quality of life. Im not saying to be oblivious or a door mat, you always have the option to leave. He knows this. Just be in the moment, be a lover of what is and remember we feel anxious if we live in the future and depressed if we live in the past. Thats no way to live. I know its hard... But we're torturing ourselves for what is not true at that moment. Look up mindfulness, its brilliant. X

[ladybird11]

I'm 100% sure he wants me to have this all sorted and squared away in my mind so we can move on into the future, yes.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Is he edging towards that territory, do you think, where if you hesitate with trusting him he'll say "when will you stop punishing me for that?", when he hasn't actually done any hard yards about what's happened? Deleting a FB account is the easy part. That's not getting rid of temptation, that's closing your eyes and saying "la la la la".
So, is it all sorted and squared away in HIS mind? Like, properly? Cos he's a remarkable man if he has done that in such a short time frame. I have a feeling this is nagging at you

[kezanazz]

For me, no its not ok, dh did it quite early in our relationship and we talked about it then and set our ground rule.