Parents in law driving me up the wall!!

[peachy]

Hi everyone,

I just thought I'd see if I am over reacting or crazy or something. Firstly, DH & I both come from split families so technically we have 4 different families. DS is the first grandson!! YAY!! - NOT! We used to see the parents in law maybe every 4 weeks or more..with it gradually increasing as the pregnancy progressed. Now it's pretty much every weekend. I love DHs family very much but find them totally overwhelming. In the last 19 weeks we have had 2 family free weekends - one because we had a friend visiting and the other as DH was sick. DH & I are very much homebodies and love our alone time with ourselves. My family out of all those weekends we have seen maybe 4 times. The rest is DHs family. Even ones we only saw at birthdays are now turning up.

I guess the problems first arose when I said that we'll tell everyone when we were in labour but I let them all know that I didn't want anyone there until I had done the birth thing, done the first feed and cleaned myself up. Well after being pestered everday (I was 10 days overdue) it was finally the day. The MIL and Nan turned up at 8am (We had gotten to the hospital at 3.30am). They waited all day and kept asking DH - what's happening. It shouldn't be taking this long..No ****!! Anyways, everything turned bad and I had to have an emergency c-section. The MIL and nan got to touch DS before me..This was the start of the dramas. Lucky when I got out of recovery visiting hours where over and I was alone with my boys. The next morning, everyone rocked up first thing and I hadn't even had a shower. I was still in my gown, no undies and so swollen I couldn't walk (and a catheter still in)..I was definitely feeling my best. Then since then DHs family just turn up and want to see DS all the time. They fight over who is going to hold and him and walk around with him non stop and don't let the little fella just chill. I just sit back and watch (as they don't seem to talk to me much as I'm only James mum now). When I say that its bedtime - they say that he can sleep next to the dinner table while we eat. When I wrap him - they say that it's too hot (even though he will not sleep without being wrapped). They say that I should be sleeping him on his side as he's getting a flat head and the best one yet - he needs a haircut (Yes - he's a baldy). It's just insane. They always wave toys in front of DS face - constantly.

I cringe when the phone rings now. I get almost sick to the stomach when I have to go to their houses and then I don't say much as they don't listen anyways. The MIL is thinking about do renovations so DS has a place to play. Is she serious? She has a 3 bedroom house where she lives alone. They all keep saying that we'll have to go out so they can babysit. DH & I don't go out. We didn't before DS. Now if we wanted to go out we'd probably take him. I not afraid to continue on with a normal life and include DS. That is my life now with him in it and I love it. Anyways, the other day the DHs dad and wife said - Over christmas we have holidays so we'll take James for a whole day. We get up early like 5am so it's ok. Alarm bells rang....Hello - have they heard of actually asking and are they serious - taking a 4 month old overnight when it is not necessary. Oh forget it!! I said that they couldn't have him overnight as I was not ready and it's too long a time for him. I haven't been away from him since the day he was born. I'm just getting use to him going into the creche at the gym for a 1 hour here and there. They also said that they had enquired into swimming lessons for him. This is without saying one word to me. I am going to teach him to swim. No I am just sick to the stomach. The more they do this to me the more I withdraw. I haven spoken to DH and he said that I am over reacting and that I need to let other people love DS too. I'm ok with that. It's great that he has so many people around him that love him but they don't need to force me to hand him over to love him. It's great that they are there when we need them but I don't want to do things that I am not ready to do. When I am around them I feel like I am not allowed to touch my own baby. I go to put him to bed - then they say that they will do it. I am the only one that can put him down as I am the only one who can wrap him so he can't bust out.

I just don't know why I'm feeling like this. I don't know if it's me or them. I love being a mum so much but I regret sometimes that DS is the first grandkid. Am I being unfair towards DHs parents?? I really want honest opinions. My family have been so good. They have been given me space and because of that they know James more even though they don't see him as much (they both are very busy people!!). I talk to them all the time. When they visit - they visit me. And they say that James is a bonus! What am I to do? I don't want this to drive a wedge between DH and me. It's ridiculous that one baby could have this effect and throw my life into such a turmoil. I would love to just move somewhere into the bush where noone can find us (that's with DH and DS or course!!)..Please help..I want to see if others have this problem with 'in your face kind of people'.

Thanks

[~Raven~]

Um yep kind of with my MIL

They also said that they had enquired into swimming lessons for him. This is without saying one word to me.

Mine enrolled Mason in swimming and gymbaroo. I took up the swimming but told her I thought gymbaroo was a crock (I don't really think it is but I said so to spite her lol). She tried the gymbaroo one a few times too but I kept not turning up.

I don't blame you for feeling smothered! While it's wonderful they are enthusiastic there comes a point where it is too much. Hopefully there will be another little addition to the family so the focus will be off him. I know I breathed a sigh of relief when my SIL announced her first PG

[Lulu]

Ach! Get them one of those 'baby think it over' things that they use in US high schools for Xmas...maybe they will leave you alone!

[SugarDust]

I would tell them all to back off a bit!

While it is nice to have ppl willing to do things it is a mothers instinct to want to look after her offspring!

[Astrid]

First of all dealing with new grandparents is such a hard one. I had so many issues with MIL once my first was born and still have the odd issue. I think what happens is that we have it in our head how we want things to be and they have their grandparent fantasies in their head. Of course reality is often very different. It can be so overwhelming I think for both parties, but I think especially the mum dealing with being a mum for the first time.

I think they are overstepping their boundaries, they should always ask rather than assume with anything to do with your family, not just your DS. I think it is really your DH's place to say something, but if he is not willing to do so then you might. May something like "Look we are very private people and whilst we understand your excitement at becoming grandparents, we are finding it a bit overwhelming. Would you mind asking first before organising something etc and please respect us when we say no" Now it would be good to "offer" them something to make them feel special, like help organise a birthday party, or can they come and hold him whilst you get something frivolous done around the house. I got my MIL on side by getting her to knit a heap clothes for the girls, it helped keep her occupied and I like knitted jumpers. So win win!

Initially MIL was overly involved, she had come over to help after DD1 was born. I had an emergency c-section and was having feeding troubles. I found her so overwhelming, she just hovered the whole time. In the end it took me yelling and swearing at her. DH was just useless and I still have not forgiven him for that time. We managed to work things out, nothing was fully discussed, but we just took baby steps. She still interferes and many times I still want to throttle her, but she does love the girls. I am so glad that she does live in another state, even though sometimes for the girls I so wish she was here. As the kids get older it is so much easier to let grandparents have a greater involvement.

[tk1999]

I can't be much help as I am not in the same situation (no kids) but this is my biggest fear for when I do (if I have luck with the getting the elusive BFP)... I would say that they are overstepping the mark and you are NOT overreacting... something needs to be said to them but if they are like my DPs family they won't likely listen anyway and somehow turn it into my issue (ie not coping etc)...

Hope you get some more helpful advice from another BB poster - ETA: and you did whilst I was still writing my post he he he

[Nelle]

The fact is, your ds is YOUR son. He is not THEIR son. You are his guardian, responsible for him, and everything that happens in his life should be run by you.

If you need your dh to understand, maybe try talking on his level - what if your parents started organising car services on his behalf, or just took his power tools out for the day to give him a break? Obviously, they're HIS, and they would need his permission, or to check with him first.

Perhaps fill your diary in with things. Even if you have a scheduled weekend to yourself, so that you can say, no sorry, we've already got plans for that weekend. Call it 'marriage time' or 'family time'. And then book in a weekend for them, say once a month (or whatever suits you), and then when they say hey let's do this, perhaps you can say well, not this weekend, but we'll see you in a fortnight!

Wishing you well, it's tricky ground to navigate hey.

[peachy]

Thanks everyone for their thoughts. I really started to think that maybe I had the problem but my mother instincts were right. I guess that I will have to take each day as it comes and when something comes up that I'm not a fan of then I will need to step up and say something. I'm one of those people that hates conflict and I tend just to go along with things because it's easy. Even if it means that I'm not entirely happy. The older I have gotten the better I am becoming but I sort of feel that DH should stand up for me but I think that I may be on my own there. His point of view is 'Sweet - someone else is looking after hime..no dramas.' He knows they are in good hands. But the thing is - is that I enjoy looking after DS. I'm sure (almost positive) that there will be times where I WILL want people to take him off my hands - but not at the moment. I'm doing good!

At least I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

TK1999 - lol you sound like me!! It is my issue...I'm sure his family is going to think I'm nuts!! oh well...

[tk1999]

Lol... as I say we do not have children as yet but DPs family tell me what they are going to do with them once they are here (um I am not even pg as yet I might add!!), they are going to go to school swimming carnivals and school sport and this and that and arrrrggghhh...

We are facing a slight uphill battle TTC and I am facing this all pre-conception! I hope everything works out for you Peachy... your mum instinct is always right!

[Heaven]

No way you're overreacting, I would be so peeved!!
Maybe you could let your DH read your initial post?? You articulated yourself well and maybe it would help him to understand??

[nic]

Hi Peachy,You've got great advicie here, and I don't think I will actually add anything new, I thought I would post and say I feel for you.

My DD was an emergency c/s. she was born 2 hours from home, and the IL's were already in town waiting for us to announce her arrival. I took a little bit to come round after the GA, and made it back to the room around 6-7am. I was groggy as, and when visiting hours started at 11am, they were all there. All 8 of them, crowded around DD, DH's grandma, didn't even speak to me, and I could barely string a sentence together. The were forever telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing, or saying 'she doesn't like that or she likes this" drove me mental!
DH's grandma was bad, she called one day and invited herself to stay. I cried when i got off the phone and then had to explain to DH why.

With my pregnancy with DS, DH was much more understanding. He was finally in a place where he could see what they were doing and I wasn't genuinely attacking them for the hell of it. It took 8 years, and us doing IVF (which I believe helped us communicate better and he saw how his family reacted to it all and to us) but he was finally able to understand what it was like for me.
He told me that he wanted to cry, because he just didn't know. He didn't know the midwife was going to put DD in SCN if the IL's unwrapped her, as her temp was low. He didn't know I saw them unwrapping her, but I just couldn't get the words out to wrap her back up.

With DS, we set up ground rules. No one was allowed to visit the day DS was born. We would let them know when they could come to visit on day 2. I don't think they liked it, but I didn't care.

I don't like confrontation either. But if you are finding it a problem now, you just might have to say something, regardless of whether or not you have your DH's support.
We joke about moving to the other side of Australia to get away from DH's family, then I tell DH the problem with moving away so far is when they visit they will be there for longer LOL

Hope you work something out

Nic

[BeautifulMadness]

U poor thing u. its not you, its them and they need to learn to back off and let u have time with you're son. Also its a bit disrepesctful of urDH not see it from you're point of view either and he should be telling them to back off.

Tell them to back off

[Rivlas]

Renee,
Am writing this from a grandparent view (I have two and they are the only ones on both sides).
When you have children they are yours not your parents so set boundaries especially at bedtime as that is a very special time to have together (it also helps your child to settle quicker). Sure they may feel hurt (or insulted) but you are the one who will have to deal with an unsettled child, no matter how good he is now, so a routine is helpful.
You also need time together as a family and not just a week night.
We have boundaries with the boys for which I am glad as we all know where we stand. Sure, we sometimes break them but it easy for the parents to tell us when we have due to these.
As for when you have your next, yes give them the later date. I never wanted to know the exact date as I wanted the GKs to be a surprise.
All the best as you deal with in-laws but remember this is now your family.

[1MOREPLZ]

thought i might join your little thread....
DH is an only child, we have just had Jack (1st grandchild for his parents 4th for my parents)
My MIL is the MIL from hel!!!!
It is Jacks baptism next Sunday..well it was his baptism..now it is NOT on because of said MIL...she really rubs me the wrong way...EVERYTHING is about her....
as soon as we get there (to visit) she rips Jack from my arms..no matter how he is etc...always has an opinion on what we do, is ALWAYS interfearing, never has a nice thing to say about me..says i am 'not fit to be her DIL has called my older 2 children (previous marriage) dirty black little b$%#$^&s(part aboriginal)
So now to top it all off, the baptism has to be cancelled because she has kicked up a stink because i haven't bought my son any new clothes to wear (he has really nice denim shorts and a nice polo shirt from christmas he hasn't worn yet) her & her sister decided upon themselves to go and buy my daughter a new outfit for the baptism (which i don't like..looks too ****ty fort a 9yr old)
MIL (biatch) her sister/brother in law are Jacks god parents ..well they were but now i have to cancel everything due to them....
coz if they don't go we don't have god parents for Jack....
sorry for the long rant....