Raising a one and only child chat thread.

[anney]

Nettie, I think it is very appropriate for you to hang around to learn from our experience, some of the pros and cons of having an only the child. But don't write off age as a reason not to have a child as I was 40 when I had DD. You don't know until you try. ;-).
You are in a position that someone else is sort of making the decision for you so different to some of us but difficult nonetheless (is that one word or three??? LOL)
smiles, you are correct it is difficult coming to terms with only having one child when you and DP both want more and you both feel it is what DD needs. I felt like I was letting them both down more than I was letting myself down. And also, and I don't like to post this around forums where people are having problems TTC number 1, but a psychologist told me that it is actually more difficult emotionally not being able to TTC number 2 as you really have experienced in real life all the joys of having a child whereas for people TTC number 1, it is more theoretically. Yes they feel awful but they don't really know what they are missing out on. I don't like comparing people's pain as it is impossible but I just wanted to tell you that so that you don't think you are too abnormal. (sorry perhpas not the right word but it is getting late and I am trying to be quick to put dd to bed.)

[widdly]

Oh wow, I dont really know where to start....

Mods, do you think it possible that a new thread could be started in this section titled something like "should we have another baby". That way people can enter the thread and discuss pros and cons of small and large families. The can discuss regretting having an only child somewhere other than a place with parents who dont have the option of another child for whatever reason and would rather not discuss regrets about it, know hwat i mean?

I totally understand the need for a place to discuss and mull over whether to add to the family or not. I have had that inner turmoil for 4 years now, not fun and a thread such as the one suggested above would serve a greap purpose I believe.

starfish - totally agree that there needs to be a place where such descussions can take place As for your only issue, DS was exactly like that til he got to about 3.5 years old, now he happily entertains himself, though I think gettinga puppy has helped that greatly, he refers to her as his sister LOL.

danniellabella - I really hope you are not feeling badly about posting in here, I completely understand the need to discuss whther or not to have another child, which is why I have suggested the new thread

Janine - no apology needed hun, I hope the new thread is started so you can have a place to further discuss these issues

Anney - DH is an only and when I have asked him if he felt bad as an only he always says, he loved his only childhood as he didnt know any different.

Lorelle - you know I think you are the best xxx It is great that we can have a place other than pms to console each other about our only child families, and celebrate the great things about it too.

I have always dreaded the day that DS would be old enough to ask for a sibling. Well that day came a couple of months ago. For some reason he is head over heels in love with my 16 motnh old cousin, Mia. He has doted on her since she was just a couple of months old, snuggling her, feeding her, dressing her etc. Funnily he has little interest in his 2 12 month old cousins....ANyway last time we were staying with my aunt and uncle and my little cousins, DS was playing with Mia, all besottd with her and he turned to me and said "I wish I could get a baby sister Mum". My heart broke in two All I've ever wanted is a daughter. "Can we buy a sister Mum?" "No, you cant just buy sisters honey" "well, can we just take Mia home with us Mum? I love her" Bless him. So I did the whole, "eeew babies stink, they cry ALL the time, Mum has to cuddle them ALL day which means I would have no time to play with you and cuddle you, it would be awful. Its much more fun having one favourite boy" well he ran off and played and didnt mention it for a while, but every now and again out of nowhere he will ask for a little sister and I just remind him of the downsides to babies. But it is hard to hear.

Nettie - welcome aboard Look forward to getting to know you

[anney]

Oh Widdly, He is starting to ask young. I don't think DD asked for a brother or sister until she was nearly 6. It is very sad when they ask as you just want to give them everything. But it was lucky she was that age as I could explain to her why we couldnot have another child. She remembers our Fertility Specialist as I used to drag her to all our appointments and DD would get under the desk and inspect our (female) FS's gorgeous shoes!

I am glad your DH didn't know any different and was happy. I am fairly sure DD will feel the same.

[~Star-bright~]

I don't have much time to post at the moment but wanted to briefly pop in and say hi. I also remember saying I would like a thread like this.
I have felt for a while that there are no threads that allow you discuss 'only' child issues (and I have a tonne). Which is more an issue of mine than for my child at the moment.
Although I haven't given up hope of a #2, I still feel like this is the place for me. Without intervention I cannot have anymore children and so after 3 years of trying I need to begin to deal with 'only' child issues. I keep waiting for the day to come when DS asks 'Why don't I have any brothers and sisters?'

Well that's me for now but I would love to come back and chat more soon.

SB

[widdly]

LOL at your DD admiring the FS shoes

Yeah, I was hoping he wouldnt start asking til he started school, never mind.

I thought I would post about why I have an only child, how I came to this 'decision'.

When DH and I got married and started TTC we wanted 5 kids. TTC took a while due to my fertility issues, due to the stress of TTC we then thought 3 kids would be enough. At the end of pregnancy (overdue) i thought doing it just one more time would be enough for me. A few hours after I pushed DS out into the world I was gushing to my sisters at how beautiful birth was and I couldnt wait to do it again. THen DS at 3 weeks had to have surgery. THis of course was so stressful, DH went ot water so I had to be the strong one. Whilst DS was in surgery DH nad I looked at each other, more stressed than i ever thought possible, and said at the same time to each other "we are not doing this to ourselves again, no more babies".

After his surgery D suffered severe reflus til her was 2 years old. It was a long wakeful 2 years, full of vomits every 5 mins and mountains of washing each day. Due to DS difficulties, DH started spending increasing amounts of time with his mates, leaving me home with DS on my own. Due to this I became depressed and anxious. I blame DH for cheating me out of my wondeful motherhood experience whilst my DS was a toddler. I left DH when DS was 2.5 years old. DH and I have been on again off again ever since, for the time being we are off and both getting counselling which is really helping.

Children have always been at the centre of my life and always will be. I am starting my Diploma of Childrens Services next year and will work with children for the rest of my life in some way or another. I pains me that I only have one child. I am the cluckiest person on the planet and I regularly struggle with the idea of never getting to experience the miraculousness that is birth, or the perfect moment when my toddler says "I love you".

For me, it seems the responsible thing to have an only, as I can only see another baby bringing DH and I a lot of stress. Plus there is long term ttc which just makes me want to lock myself in a padded cell when I think about it. So many people tell me "oh the next baby wont be as hard", no one could ever guarrantee that. Or they say "well they are only hard for 2 years, and 2 years goes really quickly" it isnt quick when you are right there in the thick of it, and my idea of having a baby is not to just pump one out and put up with it for a couple of years before it gets easier, my idea of having a baby is to enjoy every second of every year of that baby's life. Or they say "it may take years of TTC but it will be worth it in the end" it wont be worth it if i end up depressed and so anxiety ridden that i cant leave the house.

People look at me and say you chose to have an only child, so deal with it". Well yeah, I did choose to have an only child but only cause I want whats best for DS, and that is a mentally healthy mother. Or they say "you havent even tried TTC, you might get preggers quicker this time" I have tried TTC several times over the last few years and i always panic so much about it in the first 2 months that I cant go through with it.

So you see, there are many things involved in 'deciding' to have an only child, and just cause a family 'decides' to have an only child does not mean that they dont enjoy parenting or didnt like pregnancy/babies/toddlers.

Love love love to all of you only families xxx

[briggsy's girl]

i don't know how often i'll post but just wanted to pop my head in here because, unless a miracle happens, we have decided that DD is going to be an only child. yes, we would love for her to have a sibling - but the reality is that we simply can't go through a similar journey to what we went through to get her - physically, emotionally and (sad to admit it) financially, we just can't do it. my head is trying to reconcile what i know, while my heart is in serious denial. any other addition to our family would most definitely be unplanned and unexpected. i think the toughest thing for me at the moment is trying to get DH on the same page - he is fixating on the idea of a natural miracle happening (and soon). i want him to stop thinking of any family dynamic other than what we have now. i feel guilty enough about the journey we've had to go through to get our beautiful girl - i can't deal with feeling guilty everytime he gets his hopes up cos i haven't had a visit from AF in ages (one day he WILL learn a bit more about AF)

[widdly]

BG, welcome hun, and much love to you xxx

[smiles4u]

hey gorgeous BG ... i remember something of your story before Such a weight will be lifted when your DH comes around to your way of thinking.

Anney you have described what i have felt but not as strong as before which is good to know it's changing ... about feeling guilty when i look at my DP & DD and not so much myself as i'm am the one to fall pregnant out of all 3 of us to have another child, such a heavy weight to carry but thankfully for me it's getting lighter with the help of DP wonderful, loving comments.

Widdly it's certainly been a journey for you & i on BB since i first came on back in Jan 2008 and you were one of the very first i spoke with. It's amazing our bubs are were only born hours apart. Aww YOU know how i feel about you

i find many i know IRL have the answer for me (well mostly those that haven't had infertility probs and always seem younger) that IVF is the answer ... like DP & i must be made of money to go through how many rounds of IVF at my age. And that IVF must work for all and especially older women like me, but i find it ticks me off somewhat as it makes me feel like i haven't tried had enough then i find the only way to explain myself is to open wounds i'm trying to heal and then i'm left to feel worse after i conversation i never started. I did go to a consultation with an IVF clinic, and instead of coming out with the little hope DP & i left he actually crushed anything we had left.
We had a terrible experience as i didn't go to him for IVF info but about cysts i had show on an u/s ... the IVF specialist felt the need to tell me in the consultation that he was the same as me at the time at that he had not one but TWO children ... My DP & i were gobsmacked and the next 12mths were an emotional hell after that one appt. My lovely GP had tears in her eyes when i told her as she knew this was an emotional set back and that i had to work harder to get myself back to mind set that i had before the appt. I have unexplained infertility have since i started TTC with my 1st baby. But now it's just that my age is mature and nothing else.

We tried the whole herbal formula again as we did to fall preg with our DD but i had far too many personal heartbreaks happening whilst doing it that interfered with my way of thinking to a very deep level even though i tried to stay above it. Then i had health issues since mid last year that started to set me back too and that's about the time that DP & i had to rethink of whether our decision now needed to change ... which it slowly did, and in a strange way we felt better for it as we did it up to date feel we were taking many risks considering my age and health issues.

So that's a little part of my story ... not something easy to open up about as i am actually a private person but i feel i have no where else to turn to to talk to anyone that remotely gets what i mean or where i'm coming from.

*** I want to also be here as a support to all those here that i can, if i can offer any usable advice, geez i've gotta laugh about that, unusual comment coming from me, lol

This is just me but i think for anyone that feels this is the thread for them and they feel it will help them i can't see why not.

For me it was more a concern it was going to start to talk about TTC which i just couldn't personally wrap my head around with what i'm trying to talk about with others here. TTC is a subject i am no longer associated with, and simply a hard topic to even talk about with my own IRL friends but i do my best to support them IRL ... YKWIM !!

For my DD she has started to ask why i don't have a baby in my tummy, and even looking & expecting my belly ... and she has asked who are her sisters (funny brothers don't exist in her converstation, ha !!) and she answers herself at times that her best friend she has known since 4mths old is her sister until i explain she is not ... but it's lovely that she understands the close feeling of that

[dusty]

Wow this is an awesome thread! Thanks for suggesting it Anney & starting it mods.

Over the last 7 months of this pg I have decided to raise our Phoenix as an only child. We were going to have a stack of kids (well maybe 3!) but after 5.5 yrs to get to this point I just can't live my life wishing for more than what I will soon have.
I've seen too many people continue to be heartbroken even after having a child after LTTTC (I agree Anney that 2ndary IF may be even harder than primary) & I want to live every day happy & secure in the knowledge that we love our child & know how lucky we are to have the one & that 3 people is a family for us. I will probably even use birth control, an alien concept to me but one that will help I think. We will probably transfer our frozen embryos at some stage in the future to give them a chance of life but we will do it knowing that if they don't work it will be a shame but fine IYKWIM as we already have a family.

I know that I want Phoenix to grow up secure that doing it as a solo kid is fine & mummy & daddy couldn't be happier.
There's been some chat in here about how we can project our wishes & concerns onto the only child. I think knowing I can avoid this by accepting and rejoicing in being a 3 person family will help us all be a happy unit.
I'm lucky that most people we know have knowledge of our journey & accept that Phoenix is an amazing gift & don't question my "s/he will most likely be an only child". I'm grateful TBH as I want the conversation to move on from trying to have kids (or more kids) to the realities of actually having a kid in our life.
I feel liberated & happy & excited to move ahead with our soon to be journey as a family of 3.
I look forward to learning more from you all about the joys and challenges of being a one kid family
Xx

[Nettie]

Is everyone familiar with the movie 'Regarding Henry' with Harrison Ford and Annette Benning?

If so, you'll understand when I say that we want our family to be as together as theirs (at the end!). We'll just get a puppy instead of a 2nd baby!

If you haven't seen it - I highly recommend it. Especially if you look at it from the 'only child' angle. I look forward to hearing your reports by Friday... ha ha ha ha..

[smiles4u]

Is everyone familiar with the movie 'Regarding Henry' with Harrison Ford and Annette Benning?

If so, you'll understand when I say that we want our family to be as together as theirs (at the end!). We'll just get a puppy instead of a 2nd baby!

If you haven't seen it - I highly recommend it. Especially if you look at it from the 'only child' angle. I look forward to hearing your reports by Friday... ha ha ha ha..

... i will promise to get my homework done by Friday teach, ROFL ...yeh i don't think i've seen it if i had it would have been before DD's days for me not to remember it IYKWIM ... i will check it out

Once again my sincere thanks to the Mods in starting this thread which is quite sometime after i requested it but it sure as heck was worth the wait, i'm so thrilled

[RhiChiChi]

Wrong place to post

[Nettie]

Smiles - don't forget the tissues... And I wanna hear what you thought - particularly about the 'only child' aspect.

[dusty]

Regarding Henry now that's going back in time LOL. I do remember it, a 20 year younger Harrison. Didn't he also do a spy trilogy where he had a wife & only daughter?

Good on you too Smiles for suggesting this space I've followed your journey the last few years & have a sense of the place you find yourself now in
Xx

[butterfly_warrior]

Dusty, I think I'm in a similar situation to you. I have Sam, and I feel amazingly blessed by having him... I think I could be happy with just Sam as well. But... there's two frozen embryos waiting that will get a chance at life. But I really suspect that Sam will be an only child. Over our time with IVF - only 4 from 11 embryos have ever thawed. From 4 pregnancies, 3 miscarried. I don't think our chances of having another are all that great, but I'm still not prepared to let go of those chances, no matter how slim. We are currently raising Sam as though he will be an only child... I probably won't frequent this area very much until those last couple of chances have evaporated completely, though.

BW

[smiles4u]

Regarding Henry now that's going back in time LOL. I do remember it, a 20 year younger Harrison. Didn't he also do a spy trilogy where he had a wife & only daughter?

Good on you too Smiles for suggesting this space I've followed your journey the last few years & have a sense of the place you find yourself now in
Xx

... i have to say Dusty this might seem surprising to you to hear but out of every pregnancy announcement on BB that i have read or heard about in my time being here on BB Dusty YOUR pregnancy announcement with ' rising phoenix ' was honestly the only pregnancy announcement that absolutely blew me away and i was just thrilled beyond any feeling i could express to you right now ... as i too have read parts of your journey along the way on BB for quite sometime, it was certainly one heck of a journey and by far not a boring one at all, just AMAZING Dusty and so precious too

hey those movies ring a bell, i've gotta check 'em out ... good thing DP is big into burning DVD's these days, LOL

[widdly]

Lorelle - THanks for sharing your journey to becoming an only child family xx Isn't it funny that Cendrine and Archie both ask for sisters never brothers

dusty - it is so awesome to hear you so happy with the thought of being a family of 3, you are right, it is liberating when you start thinking of all the wonderful things about being a small family and concentrate on your future with one child.

Nettie - I shall head down to the movie store and look for Regarding Henry, though I dont usually watch movies that tug on the heart strings...wonder if I'll be brave enough to watch

BW - we shall be here to wrap our arms around you should the time come. I wish you all the best xx

My Dad is coming to pick DS up this arvo and take him to his house for the night, I feel a little sad cause I know i will miss him, but DS and my Dad just adore spending time together so it will be great for them

[dusty]

Lorelle thank you sweets, you are such a generous person and your words mean a lot to me

BW, its a strange position to be in but one that was decided for us LTers in a way. Good luck navigating the next steps.

Widdly, it just feels right to look at it this way. I'm actually excited at the prospect of a one child family. There are lots of pros my friends and family don't have that I can see.

I was at a birth course on the weekend and I told one pg woman that Phoenix will likely be our only child. She questioned whether I was worried about all the attention being given to him/her but I said no, I didn't think it would matter at all and that we planned to have a furry playmate within a year and that was as far as our planning on having another sibling was