Hi all!
Firstly, mods if this in the wrong place please move it
Ok, so I have a major issue with my mother and I am desperately in need of some advice!!
Bit of background: *mum and I have always had a rocky relationship *its just me, mum and bro *mums an alcoholic *she kicked out of home at 17...
So...
for the last 9yrs I have tried really hard to make a reelationship work with my mum, even though we have had our fights and make ups. When I fell pregnant with DD i became determined to make sure there was always a relationship there so that DD would have the chance to grow up knowing her nanna. But last sept, mum came down to stay with us, to celebrate DD 1st birthday, and to help us move to QLD (which would be near mum, but this never happened due to other things out of our control). This visit ended with a major fight, with DH and I asking mum to leave. (for quite a while mum has become an angry drunk, and basically starts up at you for absolutely nothing, and thats what happened, except this time instead of it lasting just the night, it lasted almost a week before we had had enough)
Since then things were pretty bad with us, but because of DD I decided to bit my tongue and just let it go.. But in march of this year I just gave up on the relationship. Im tired of being bullied, verbally and mentally abused and just treated poorly if I do not follow what is expected of me.
To make things worse DH changed jobs in march which ended with us having an extended stay with his parents. This had only just ended a couple of weeks ago, because we just couldnt get a house of our own in the area, so we've moved again and are now in our own house (YAY)
So in the time since march mum and I havent talked and my brother has now involved himself into things and things have got quite worse. They both only call me when they've both been drinking, I dont answer the phone but they leave some very unsavory messages for us. Then once they dont get hold of me, they call the relos who then call me and tell me that my mum called them late at night, drunk and abused them.
To top it all off the other day my brother calls DHs phone on a different number... DH didnt know who it was so asked, bro abused him for it, then went on to say that DH needs to stop his parents from brainwashiing me and let me talk to my family, then asked why they werent good enough for us to come and visit them, call them and all that stuff.
This devastated DH, he really likes my bro, and didnt like any of the things that were been said to him. he just didnt know what to do.
So heres my problem, Im 31 weeks pregnant, its 3 weeks til DD 2nd birthday. They keep calling, and i know I should just tell them how I feel but Im tired of it always being turned around so that Im at fault, and their faultless. I cant deal with this stress, this hasnt been the best of pregnancies due to everything else going on, and I just cant take it anymore...
What should I do?? I know I need to do something and soon!!
maybe, last night i called our provider and asked them to get rid of my message bank, DH is going to do the same when he gets a spare minute. Thankfully our home number isnt known to them just yet!
have you bspoken to your dr about the stress?
also maybe front her and tell ehr how her behaviour is affecting her ring her when you think she will be sober so she can actually understand what is being said.
im so sorry your going through this.
im in moss vale so if you ever need a chat or coffee im available,
wow! I know this isn't what you want to do, but i would change all phone numbers and try and cease contact completely. You can't have that type of stress when your pregnant or when you have a newborn - its just not right.
I wouldn't want my children, or my husband to be exposed to such things... so in my mind, you've tried.. thats all you could have done.
As for them ringing our other relatives, maybe you could suggest they also change their numbers? OR if they don't think thats necessary, then simply ask them not to call and tell you about the abusive calls.
Honey, I know how you feel, my Mum has had quite a LOT of issues relating to alcohol too.
Can I tell you something, and it may not be right for your situation, but it has worked for me...
I had a LOT going on when I was pg last year too.
My parents were seperating, I had HG morning sickness, and then my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer also, on top of this I was working 12 hour days in 45 degree heat and dealing with a 5yr old also.
My mum was like a rollercoaster.... up down, drunk, angry, sad, depressed, happy...you name it every emotion. She had been like this for about 7 years.
I was slowly and surely building up a whole lot of repressed anger, frustration, GUILT (this is the one that is the hardest to deal with), I was ashamed, I was hurt. My heart would skip a beat when the phone would ring at night, because I knew it would be Mum with another "episode"...she would threathen suicide etc, we have had to call the police to do a welfare check on her numerous times, she has lied about terrible things that she has said have happened to her etc.
I always kept a barrier between us because this was the only way I could cope. I would try and give her advice, but she took this as me attacking her etc. I would cry myself to sleep praying that I could have my Mum back again...my normal one.
I then just gave up......I thought about not having contact but then realised she is my Mum, and she has some problems and issues, and that we are all probably a few bad decisions away from being in the same position...
I then had to do the hardest thing that I have ever done......JUST LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY.
When she called ranting and raving, I didn't try and judge, or give advice, or fight back, I just listened. I would make the effort to call her, and to spend time with her. I bought her some little gifts, and if I NEEDED ADVICE I would call HER to ask...
I didn't let myself get angry or upset, I made a decision to not take her issues personally, they were her issues not mine. I realised that while I was not responsible for her or her actions, I did have a responsibility as her daughter to just love her no matter what.....if I was in her position I would expect the same from her.
I still put my family first in a lot of instances, but made sure I made time for her. Luckily my DH has always had a lot more patience with her than I, so he was supportive also.
6 months on, and our relationship is the best it has been in years. She doesn't drink as much, she hasn't called all drunk and upset for ages and ages, and the time we spend together I really enjoy. She has always been an excellent Grandma despite her issues, but now she is even better. I have realised that she just wanted to be loved. Pure and simple. It took a lot to swallow the hurt, and believe me there are lots of things that have hurt me deeply, but it was worth it to get my Mum back. She has actually got her life back on track in other areas too, and I think that this is because she no longer feels alone.
Anyway, this is just my story, but I hope it helps. I have a real "peace" in my life now.
Last edited by Sweet Bliss; August 27th, 2009 at 05:08 PM.
: grammar!
Great post Bliss I am doing this too with my mother in a way... just trying really hard not to take things personally... it's not about me, it's about her. I've tried the no-contact thing, didn't work. Still, you do need to set boundaries. Tell them calmly that you will talk as long as they are not abusive. As soon as the name-calling starts just say: "I'll speak to you when you are not upset". In the Relationships section of BB there is a sticky thread called "10 Rules of Fighting Fairly" this is a good set of boundaries to ask people to stick to.
it's not easy... but no-contact isn't easy either. Be true to yourself and know that there anger is NOT about you... it's about them. Good luck darl
family timebomb warning its long!!
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I am doing this too with my mother in a way... just trying really hard not to take things personally... it's not about me, it's about her. I've tried the no-contact thing, didn't work. Still, you do need to set boundaries. Tell them calmly that you will talk as long as they are not abusive. As soon as the name-calling starts just say: "I'll speak to you when you are not upset". In the Relationships section of BB there is a sticky thread called "10 Rules of Fighting Fairly" this is a good set of boundaries to ask people to stick to.
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