Sister issues and totally different ways of communicating VENT!!!
Trying to write this out I just don't quite know where to start, so I will just begin by starting with the beg hinging of my day and how that relates to my sister and my issues with her in the bigger picture.
Ok so I'm in the uk on holidays. Laser night we were at some good friends place for a very rare catch up. We had a bit to drink, and then all went to bed pretty exhausted at about midnight. I woke up to our 19 mo, and 4 yr old sometime about 2:30 am. I checked the time on my phone and noticed a message from my cousin asking me how old my nieces are, they are 10 and 8. She asked me what on earth my sister was doing letting them have fb profiles and why on earth the 8year old was wearing a bikini on the beach. I was pretty well half asleep given the time, but was a bit worried that my sister had allowed this. We have pretty different values about this sort of stuff. But I was concerned that she would let them and worried as I tried to drift off how I was going to broach this issue with her. I HATE confrontation! Anyway I had a bit of a disturbed sleep. In the morning I went online and found the profiles and had a look. They had three friends each and one of those friends was my mother. Not their mother, my mother. Anyway, whilst distracted trying to cook breakfast with our mates this morning I had fb messages from my cousin asking whether she ought to point out the danger to my sister of the profiles and tell her to get the girls profiles made not public etc etc and all the rest. She wondered whether she should tell her and I said she should. So all that occurred within about an hr of me wakin up. We said good bye to our friends and got on the road and I went on fb again to see my cousin saying my sister was livid because she hadn't known about the profiles and was really upset. She posted a fb status asking people to tell her if they saw this kind of thing again, as the girls weren't allowed. I sent her a message asking how she was and if the girls wee in lots of trouble to which she replied that they were.
She also then started to tell me she was furious with my mum for not saying anything and then told me she held my mum and also me accountable for the danger the girls were in because we had known for hrs before we told her. I let her know I had seen the message in the middle of the night and that I didn't realize she didn't know. That when I had had a chance to look up and think about it, I was also simultaneously aware that she was being told. Tbh because I thought that she may well have been aware and might have given permission for them to do it, I was really hesitant to want to go charging in criticizing her parenting choices. I hadn't had a real chance to think it thru, but I contemplated waiting to discuss it with her over the Internet and may have waited a week to get home and discuss it. We have a history of communicating badly in social media. I didn't want her to misunderstand me on a possibly touchy subject.
When she contacted me she was pretty out of line I think. She was obviously very scared, and shaken up by today. She perceived that their very lives were endangered by just a few hours on fb. And whilst I thought it was a REALLY idea I didn't perceive it to be an immediate threat. Like not as in standing next to a cliff edge in a high wind kinda threat. More of a social bullying and vulnerable to predators who groom your girls kinda threat. Which doesn't happen in an instant. Anyway..... We exchanged some messages. Mostly me telling her that "it was 2.30 am!!" I'm sorry I assumed that you knew, but I didn't look at their profiles and realize you weren't a friend etc with her getting upset that "I don't know her if I thought she would let them" And "you think I am a bad parent I you think I would let them" sorta stuff. As I said we don't communicate very well on fb and so I facetimed her to talk. She was very emotional. She was obviously upset that it had happened at all, that her hubby who was at home didn't know that the little girl/friend of my nieces had helped them to set it up, was doing what she/they were doing. And she was upset with me that I didn't know her well enough to know that she would never let them. I apologized for assuming she knew and hesitating to bring it to her in the middle of the night.
I on the other hand now feel really distressed. I hate conflict, I hate feeling unsafe that I can go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning dealing with this sort of mess as tho it was my fault and being held accountable by an irrational distraught family member for an act of omission that I had never even concieved of. I hate this ****.... I often when I see a friends phone number have a moment of irrational fear that they wil call me to explode for doing/not doing something that I was completely unaware of an losing a friendship. It all makes me feel really unsafe. My sister is highly confrontational and often wants to deal with issues head on whether she has the completely wrong end of the stick or not and doesn't ever compromise with what she thinks, unless you tell and scream and yell and compete with her at the same hugely emotional level. Well I HATE that stuff. I am very sensitive. I need to protect myself from other people's emotional excess cos I feel everything almost as if it is my own emotion. It hurts me. I can't communicate like that because I hate to hurt people and just telling it how I see it all the time would be really hurtful to people. I know we all judge people all the time, but I try not to apply my judgements and I leave them open to learning more.
Sorry guys.... This is a massive rant. I just feel really unsafe right now, with a sister who has only just moved back near us after 10 years in a distant city, who is upset that we arnt closer, but who makes me want to close off and pull away to avoid just this kind of thing.
Don't get me wrong. It is ok and normal that she is different. We all are. But I don't now how to communicate and talk to her the way she likes to communicate with me. I have spent 10 hrs now today feeling completely unbalanced and unsafe. Blurgh!!!
I haven't proof read this, it is just a written befriend for myself. Hugs and thoughts appreciated. Anyone else dealt with this sort of relationship issue??
I can understand your sister being very upset but I do think she is out of line haranging you when it was her daughters mistake. As you say, it was the middle of the night and you had not had a chance to process it properly.
I think you need to talk to her when it is a calm time and tell her how you feel. Make a lot of "I feel" statements and acknowledge that you can't handle her style of confrontation. Ask her to take that into account when you are disagreeing and remind her that you have not been close physically for a long time and it will take time to rebuild a close relationship. Her style of confrontation and your sensitivity will damage the relationship if you both don't work together. Tell her you love her and you want to be close.
Hae you had counselling to help with strategies for dealing with this type of family dynamic? Can your DP or friend provide some support?
I hope the rest of your holidays goes a lot smoother.
Sister issues and totally different ways of communicating VENT!!!
Dp is being great. He let me talk it out today. And yeah I have had counseling years ago, around my mother relationship. I talked to dh about perhaps seeking it (counseling) with her this time. It may be necessary, because she talks over me and can't see that even if she doesn't desire to hurt me that she can still be very hurtful. She just perceives herself as being honest. And I have a reasonably full tool kit of "I want, I feel" strategies, but thank you for the reminder. I do think I generally use them. But they often make me feel like I am communicating with her as the parent and her as the child, where I am careful with what I say and she is just totally spontaneous regardless of how anything makes me feel.
It's not your fault. You are in no way in the wrong. Your sisters children clearly have unsupervised access to the Internet to be able to have secret Facebook profiles...that's her mistake, not yours I also would have assumed initially that she was aware of it, and it's not like days and days passed between you finding out and her being informed. I've no advice on what to do in terms of the tension between you two, but I totally understand that awful feeling of going to bed and waking up with an unresolved issue.
Thanks PZ. I need the hugs. Partly I just don't understand how she relates this all as being my fault iykwim? I in part need to hear that I am not crazy to think that this wasn't an unreasonable way to respond, or not respond as the case may be in the middle of the night?? But right now I get that she is really really upset that it happened under her nose. The girls have access to YouTube etc, but she thinks they know not to watch "bad stuff". I think she needs to supervise more but she doesn't. She doesn't neglect them in other ways, but she doesn't have the same values as me. We turn off wifi on the iPad dd uses to watch movies. Just so she can't access lots of stuff. She keeps telling me "when it happens to your kids, then you will understand". cos we have little kids and hers are older mostly. Sigh..... Load of drama I didn't need. Happy to support her in her mental of being really upset. Don't need to be blamed for it.
Oh Love, that's crazy. And the last thing you need or deserve on your holiday... at all really.
Madness here, will try and come back later. But in the mean time: I love your guts, you're awesome, you did the right thing and call me when you get back ok? Ok. xoxoxoxox
Last edited by Santosha; August 19th, 2013 at 12:05 PM.
It's not you fault at all, it sounds like your sister is projecting her fears and issues onto you. It's not like you created the profiles or helped set them up, and she was made aware of them. Hope fully your sister will calm down and realize it hasn't got a lot to do with you she is their parent. Hugs xx
Sounds like your sister was just hurt and lashing out. Doesn't make it OK. How could you do anything about it from half-way across the world anyway?
If she lashes out at you too much for things that are her own problems, I would not be trying to have a friendship relationship with her. If it is just communication differences, you will need to get an arranged "red card" for when you feel she is being disrespectful and rude, so she can see straight away what she's doing. If she agrees. She doesn't have to.
Also, why do people feel that honest =/= tactful and that's OK? Makes no sense.
Huge hugs huni. You did nothing wrong at all. Some people blame others and lash out without wanting to admit their own flaws. Nobody is perfect and I hope you can sort this when you get home...enjoy the rest of your holiday. xxx
Your sister is out of line getting mad at you about this situation.
You're supposed to know what your mother is up to and act on it, but she's not supposed to know what her 8 and 10 year olds are up to? Your mum was supposed to magically know she didn't know about the accounts? What??
Um, no.
Hugs. She's upset / angry / guilty and lashing out.
I hope she calms down and backs off and (heaven forbid) apologises to you.
This is about her. Not you. You've done nothing wrong.
Oh man. It's not hard to access some pretty bad stuff on YouTube, but even more, it's not hard to think you're searching for something totally innocent and end up watching something awful. A few years back anon porn washed YouTube, a whole bunch of kids shows had porn spliced into it. Your sister needs a bit of a reality check with the internet.
When I wrote this post I was honestly bewildered by her response. Now I am a bit ****ed. However I know she has no idea. About lots if things and mostly about how to relate to me. She is cross that I don't "know her well enough to know she wouldn't allow them fb profiles". But if the shoe is on the other foot I am kinda ****ed that she doesn't know that I would protect her kids if I thought they were in immediate danger, or that I find her style of communication demeaning and hurtful..... The lashing out it always so unexpected. She wants us to have a super close bond, but that is really hard when she behaves the way she does with no thoughts about my feelings or how I like to communicate in a calm manner. Words hurt.... And they shouldn't be thrown around just thoughtlessly. Which is why I always think about things after the moment to communicate them with her is gone....,
Bella. I think you just got caught in the crossfire. Sounds like she was more cross with your Mum and her DH than with you, but you were the one talking to her at the time. Does she generally calm down as quickly as she blows up? I know I tend to express my views quite strongly to my sisters, and I've def upset them once or twice (not by getting angry, necessarily, but certainly by saying things that they don't like). I usually apologise for upsetting them if I think I went a bit heavy, but on the other hand, I know I hate for things to fester or be left unsaid. DTMS? Where you hate conflict, I hate unresolved tension. If your sister is generally past it quickly, I'd try to let it go.
As an aside, I would absolutely flip my lid if I found my girls on FB like that too. It's hard to know exactly who to be angry with in that situation. So you certainly didn't deserve her angst, but I kinda get why she was so worked up. Maybe tell her she upset you because you didn't really feel it was deserved, but cut her a little slack too. Clearly it was a bit of a wake up and has shocked her. Hopefully that's a good thing, while they're still so young.
(PS You have as many girls in your family as we do!!)
My sister and I also communicate differently. It's frustrating!
We have had issues over children and Facebook, also. I don't think it's ok for my 14 year old niece to be posting cleavage/duck face photos on the internet. She tells me 'all the kids do it'. They do. But if all the kids jumped off a cliff...
I'm no help. You did nothing wrong. Her kids should have been supervised, they should know that they are not allowed Facebook. I have 8 and 10 year old kids, they know they are not allowed Facebook. If they set up an account without my permission, I would be angry with them - not with my sister, whom I expect might mention it in passing but wouldn't ring me at 2.30am.
Sister issues and totally different ways of communicating VENT!!!
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I also would have assumed initially that she was aware of it, and it's not like days and days passed between you finding out and her being informed. I've no advice on what to do in terms of the tension between you two, but I totally understand that awful feeling of going to bed and waking up with an unresolved issue.
. Xx
It's hard to know exactly who to be angry with in that situation. So you certainly didn't deserve her angst, but I kinda get why she was so worked up. Maybe tell her she upset you because you didn't really feel it was deserved, but cut her a little slack too. Clearly it was a bit of a wake up and has shocked her. Hopefully that's a good thing, while they're still so young.
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