Thanks for the replies, I could relate to so much that was said especially by possum magic and it helps to know I'm not the only one finding this hard.
I know the advice about trying to focus on what I have and appreciate the girls is good advise, it's just easier said than done. Mostly these feeling have obvious triggers like seeing a pregnant person but sometimes it seems the happier and more in the moment I am the more I'm caught off guard by the same feelings. And I'm not really jealous of my SIL for being a young mum, I was a young mum, more that it hurts that I'm not recognised in the same way simply because my baby didn't survive.
Another part of the problem is that fighting to have a family has been everything for so long that I don't know what I am without it, I feel completely lost like I'm nothing if I'm not working on my family.
Not to mention that no matter how much I try to focus on, appreciate and savor my babies, they are growing up so fast, too fast. For all the anxiety and heartache, I loved being pregnant and we never had a set number so it's really hard moving on knowing I will never experience the things that made me feel so special when it seems like there is nothing to look forward to but the mundane and repetitive life of a stay at home mum. A stay at home mum that is replaceable, when your pregnant you can't be replaced the baby has you or nothing but now anyone can look after the kids so what's the point of me, I'm nothing.
I feel like I've used up all my life milestones and have nothing left.
I hope that time and trying to focus on my family can help.
Thanks for reading, I know this post is all over place but this is what it's like in my head at the moment and why I'm having so much trouble, I'm pretty sure I think too much.