i have the hair washign dilemma as well... DD showers with me, so i end up trying to wash out the conditioner with a face washer because the minute water runs down her face.. she tries to get out - mind you.. if im not fussing over her hair, she will stand under the water without a complaint i have manage to convince her if you keep you head UP the water will not run into your eyes.. arghhhhh and amazingly, our last 4-5 showers, she has asked for her hair to be washed!!!!!!!!

as for the brushing.. my DD lets me to pigtails, plaits, braids the works! (her hair is halfway down her back)
we did have some issues with head lice, which weren't helped by the fact i wasnt allowed to wash or brush with the lice comb.. but we are finally getting there now!