Self-esteem refers to a person's subjective evaluation of their own worth: put simply, it is how good a person feels about him or herself. During the 1970's and 80's the fostering of self-esteem was seen to be of great benefit in and of itself. Teachers and parents were encouraged to offer every child unconditional praise and to refrain from any criticism or 'negativity' which might damage a child's self-esteem. A lack of self-esteem was blamed for all kinds of problems, and high self-esteem was regarded as almost synonymous with good functioning and mental health.
Recently, however, this view of self-esteem as the panacea for all psychological ills has begun to be questioned. For example, a major review of the self-esteem literature found that many of the expected negative consequences of low self-esteem were not supported by the research (Mecca & Smelser, 1989). Evidence also began to accrue of the potentially harmful effects of excessively high self-esteem, for example an association between inflated self-esteem and violence. Researchers also began to find children and adolescents whose self-esteem was inflated beyond their actual achievements and abilities. These children had been raised on a diet of unconditional praise dissociated from real accomplishment, with the result that they felt good about themselves, but for no reason other than that they had repeatedly been told how unique, valuable and exceptional they were.
Critics of the self-esteem movement have pointed out that a high opinion of one's own importance and worth is actually a characteristic of antisocial personality types, who are capable of committing all kinds of offences against others without it dinting their own high opinion of themselves. Self-esteem proponents have responded by arguing that there is a distinction between true, or 'authentic' self-esteem and false, or 'inauthentic', self-esteem. According to this view, people such as sociopaths who exhibit a delusionally high self-regard in fact have a cripplingly low self-esteem, which they conceal beneath a veneer of strutting bravado. However, this argument makes the whole concept of self-esteem very difficult to test and, some have suggested, meaningless.
These criticisms have led to a reappraisal of the concept of self-esteem and its role in mental health.
Resiliency and self-esteem
Resiliency is not based on a high self-esteem that is disconnected from one's behaviour and achievements. Whilst resilient children view themselves as lovable and worthy of respect and care, this self-esteem is grounded in values of respect for others, a desire to contribute, and experiences of mastery and competence. Rather than viewing self-esteem as a necessary precondition for success, researchers are increasingly viewing it as the natural outcome of experiences of competence and contribution. By achieving important goals, and through being involved in meaningful contribution to their family, school and community, children develop a healthy sense of competence and self-regard.
Rather than emphasising the importance of liking oneself and bombarding children with messages of personal 'specialness', the resiliency approach suggests emphasising goal-setting, problem-solving, achievement and participation in altruistic activities. The self-esteem that develops from this approach is grounded in a prosocial value system, a realistic sense of oneself and one's capacities, and an awareness of personal responsibility.
A narcissistic, unrealistic self-esteem does not convey resilience because it is unsupported by reality. This inflated self-esteem either needs to be aggressively defended against threats because of its inherent fragility - leading to antisocial behaviour - or it is likely to be deflated by life's hard knocks, resulting in disillusionment and depression.
Fostering healthy self-esteem
Despite the caution against an excessive focus on self-esteem for its own sake, it is important to mental health for children to like themselves and view themselves as loveable and worthy of respect. The following are some tips for promoting healthy self-esteem in young people:
- Focus on strengths rather than deficiencies.
- Refrain from harsh criticism, sarcasm and put-downs.
- Provide plenty of encouragement, support and affection..
- Foster social contact and participation.
- Encourage giving and altruistic behaviour.
- Show acceptance of children's faults and failings, and encourage them to do likewise.
- Teach and model respect and concern for others.
- Entrust children with age-appropriate responsibilities.
- Allow time to listen to children's feelings without criticising, judging or moving straight into problem-solving.
- Be involved in children's lives and activities.
- Encourage persistence in the face of obstacles, and help children bounce back from failures by reminding them of their successes.
- Involve children in setting rules and boundaries.
Are we born neurotic?
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But yes, when you reach adulthood you do have to let go of the parental blame thing and work hard at trying to heal. As always i try to turn a negative into a positive: i tell myself that it was because of my harsh upbringing that I am resilient... and have empathy for people who have also had hard childhoods. The hardest thing for me persoanlly is to not (somedays) resent my children for the love and understanding that they are receiving that i didn't receive myself... this usually happens only when they are being (what I feel is) totally unreasonable! But I guess that's their job hey? To test and push boundaries! 
LOL j/k
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