I think that's fascinating. I've not been in a physically abusive relationship but I have been in an emotionally controlling relationship. I know my friends and family were concerned. They continually told me so. I even had major fallings out about it. I did not see it as abusive. I now look back and see myself as being a bloody idiot who didn't know I deserved better and I am thankful I woke up one day and walked out. It took me months afterwards to work out that, yes, it was abusive, and, no, he was never going to change. "Love" is not enough. It does not magically fix everything. Him being able to make me laugh did not make up for the fear and the tears and the denigration of my self-worth. I also remember how deeply ashamed I was at how I had allowed myself to be sucked in, that I ignored and abused people who loved me, that I sold myself short the way I had, that I'd wasted years of my life.
I can see that. I understand that. But I still get enormously frustrated at women who stay. Women who scoff at the word "abuse" because they don't see it. Even though for those on the outside, what she is being subjected to is very much abuse. Maybe physical abuse is easier to spot. But that day in day out of being demeaned, neglected, ignored, yelled at, not talked to, looked down on, being controlled..... that and more are all part of abuse. I suppose because I have lived it and seen it happen to others, then I know it's abuse and it's frustrating that women who are in it don't see it that way.
I don't know that that is blaming the "victim". People have a choice on how they live their lives. If they scoff at support then it's very hard to keep supporting her. Yes, maybe we can be there to catch her if she falls. But when she knows she's being abused and still goes back, that's hard to deal with. When she doesn't know she's being abused, all you can do is stand back and wait for her to come to terms with it herself. And be there if she asks for help.
In my case, there were no kids, thankfully. There was no physical abuse and I still had financial control of my life. I realise being threatened, having your kids threatened makes it harder to leave. Having no money makes it harder to leave. I guess I struggle to understand, how, knowing that someone is violent and controlling, but a woman gets up the guts to leave, why still allow the abuser access to yor life? Why still be sucked into their emotional blackmail etc? Why not cut the ties, have any kid access done through community services and have as little communication as possible? I realise I've not expereinced it, so I cannot understand. This is probably what I struggle with most. Once you know it is abuse, why subject yourself to it again and again and again? How can you support someone who does that to themselves, to their kids?
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