Why women blame other women for being victims of domestic violence

[buffy1]

PZ, I agree with you (and am so sorry to hear about what you've been through - you too LMS).

My mum chose to stay for eight years, until the physical violence extended to my brother and I. She stayed with my father for a long time because she felt we needed to be a traditional, nuclear family - she was also very religious. On top of which, she was a SAHM with no income but the pittance my dad gave her each week. She bore the brunt of it until it spilled over to her kids, and then she chose to leave (it was more like fleeing).

I understand why some women stay in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, but I can't begin to comprehend the strength it takes to leave.

[Catastrophic]

Thanks for sharing RB... That article gave me chills in some of the accuracy...

I can see that. I understand that. But I still get enormously frustrated at women who stay. Women who scoff at the word "abuse" because they don't see it.

I don't know that that is blaming the "victim". People have a choice on how they live their lives. If they scoff at support then it's very hard to keep supporting her. Yes, maybe we can be there to catch her if she falls. But when she knows she's being abused and still goes back, that's hard to deal with. When she doesn't know she's being abused, all you can do is stand back and wait for her to come to terms with it herself. And be there if she asks for help.

Tashy: It is frustrating at watching women stay, but I can assure you it's even more frustrating when your the one in it. There is a sense of helplessness and you already have such a low self esteem you don't believe yourself even when you do recognise it. It plays with your head soo much.

I have read the same paragraph in other articles about abuse but I do find myself questioning it. TBH most of the men who I have known to be physically abusive don't really seem to have the sophistication to engage in such prolonged, deliberate manipulation before becoming abusive. They were just ****heads who got violent when things got tough.

I think there are different types... And even if they are just ****heads that just get voilet, they will still use their words to abuse, name calling etc, and that could wear the female down and = to emotional abuse and manipulation.


LMS - I agree no one has a right to judge...

Choosing to stay is not easy, often it's harder than choosing to go. But eventually, enough will be enough. It's a much more complex issue than it sounds though.

As to women attacking the victim...I believe it's because they see the 'weakness' that they once felt themselves when *they* were in a similar situation, before they made a change, and they resent that old part of themselves and seeing it in others itms. I don't know. That's all just my two bob, anyway.

Pz. I agree, it's just as hard to stay as it is too go.... And I like your definition of women attacking the victim.

This topic is such a hard one to grasp and fully understand because every situation is going to be different. Sucky sucky situation to be in.

[diannescruffy]

I was one of those woman who said "if a man ever hit me I'd be out the door" then I "chose" to stay with a man who physically and emotionally abused me for years. At the time I definately felt I didn't have a choice though, I had no where to go, exactly as said in the article. I was well educated, came from a good background, it's hard to explain the way an abuser plays with your mind. Unless you've been in the situation you could never understand why a victim "choses" to stay.

Regards,
Dianne

[forshelby]

I don't think it's so much a choice to stay as it is a reluctance to make a change and leave.

It's more just a refusal of the change. The change is hard. Fear of the unknown can be powerful.

[blessedatlast]

The change is hard. Fear of the unknown can be powerful.

I agree with that. It's can be case of better the devil you know.. Especially if the abuser has isolated you from friends and completely crushed your self esteem.

[diannescruffy]

Even when there are no children involved the victim can be threatened with their own lives or that of a family member. Sometimes the victim is too scared to reach out for fear of not being believed. In other peoples eyes the abuser may seem to be the nicest person on earth.

Regards,
Dianne