Would you stay in a relationship for the kids?

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Sometimes people stay with a partner they don't want to be with and they get sick. So it may come out in other ways. I believe this happened to my SIL as she is married to a piece of work. Now she is so ill she can't look after her own children and may not be in this world for very long. I think you have to be true to yourself, know that you deserve better and the kids will adjust in time. As long as they have a healthy parent, they will be OK.

[Amity]

I left when my kids were 3 and 1. I was (and am) their primary attachment, though. We did a form of shared care for nearly 2 years and IT DOESN'T WORK when children are under 5. Can you imagine sleeping in a different bed every night? You'd be rattled. Now try it for a one-year-old...

Things eventually blew up and they are now 7 and 5 and in my full-time care, XH has alternate weekends.

The children were actually the main reason I left. I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that the way Daddy treated Mummy was normal, or right. I couldn't have them treating their partners in that way. It's just wrong.

My $0.02.

[BellyBelly]

So true sweetpea - our bodies give us so many signals that we're out of alignment. I had anxiety and depression issues and was always sick with something. Chest infections, colds, flus, ear infections, glandular fever, super low iron - I was a majorly fatigued wreck and would sometimes lie on the sofa helplessly as the kids would go nuts which didnt help the depression. I was just that physically exhausted and sick at times. If I kept on that path I would hate to think what else could have manifested. You just know when you need to get out for wellbeing and when you've not given it your all.

Check out the sticky post I did recently in Relationships, think its called 'Should I Stay or Should I Go.'

[megs]

I am looking on this with the perspective of growing up in a house with unhappily married parents.

Around 12 my parents separated due to an indiscretion in the marriage. Within a few months they reconciled, but over the next 13 years things were not good, and there were a couple more small separations. I left home at 18 but my brothers who were 11 and 12 spent their teenage years in a very hositile environment. There was fault on behalf of both of my parents, and they tried counselling several times. Looking at my brothers now I can see the effect my parents marriage has had on them, they are both now very hesitant to enter into marriage.

My parents did eventually separate and then divorce, I was 25, my brothers 18 and 19, they had both finished school, and to be honest I don't think they did the right thing by any of us children by staying together for the sake of us. We don't have many happy memories at all from when they were together, Christmas always ended up tense due to an argument.

My opinion is you don't walk away lightly, and perhaps even give counselling a try, but if at the end of the day the issues cannot be resolved I don't think it is healthy for the children for you to stay in an unhappy marriage.

[*EJ*]

Megs i'm going to do the same thing...

My parents seperated the moment my brother and i left the family home. They didn't really come out with it truthfully for some time but i figured it out and it was really upsetting. I had lived through a childhood of seeing my parents argue a lot and even hearing the words 'we're only together for the sake of you kids'. So no i don't believe it's worth staying together only for the sake of the kids because sooner or later if things never change you're going to have to leave and no matter what age the children are they will be hurt. In my example i fee like so much of my childhood was a lie, a show and what i tried my best to believe was my happy little world really wasn't.

I think i was about 26 when my parents seperated and my brother must have been about 23.

It's heartbreaking either way but like so many have said the kids know when things are good and not so good and it effects them whether both parents are there or not.

Good luck

[danniellabella]

I did stay in a relationship because we had a child together. It was really tough going for about a year after DD (age 3) was born, but has been so fantastic in the past couple of years, we've been closer than ever in our 6 year marriage. It can work, but only if you & your DP want it to.

[Catastrophic]

I thought I would come back an explain my: yes answer.

I can completely understand why someone would stay for the kids. There are situations that are complex and sometimes it is the best situation.

I have/am in a situation where I am staying for the kids, I am trying to work it out for the kids but in all honesty I think I am coming to the realization that it won't be working. And if anyone says why don't you leave, financially I can't afford it - I can't do both looking after children and doing my last year of uni (quietly speaking)

I do agree that staying in a volatile relationship is not good for the kids, I agree that they are smart and can sense things that we dint know, but sometimes in the long run you have to suck up "so to speak" and just deal with things until you get to where you need to go.


Love MN ;-)

[misty]

I would not stay "for the sake of the children". But I would do everything I possibly could do to salvage the marriage first, before leaving, "for the sake of the children". It is not good enough to leave because you are just 'not be happy'; if you have not taken every possible step you can to try and make yourself happy and put your marriage back together first. If you have tried everything (and I mean with 110% commitment and effort) and things still don't make you happy, THEN you have earned your way out of the marriage.

[*Twinkle*]

I would choose to leave because I would want my children to see a happy, functioning relationship as how it should be - I believe your relationship really sets a mould/lead for your children.

Ditto to what Kelly has said. I don't think it would be healthy to stay just because of the kids.

[RainbowBrite]

I think there is a difference in staying for the kids and trying to work it out for the kids.
I think when you have children involved you work harder to make it work...but if it really isn't after working even after trying then no I wouldn't and haven't satyed for the kids.
When I separated from my first XDH my eldest DD was 10...she was out with a good friend and her children (and she also had separated) and the girls started talking about it all and my DD said 'I miss my dad but my mum is so much happier now'. It was the feedback I needed to know I had done the right thing.
With my 2nd marriage I knew I had to leave for the kids...when you 3 year old says to you 'daddy bad guy he hurt mummy' or your 14yr old DS says 'if he stays I go' it is really time to get out.
I am now a single SAHM of 7 children...not easy! But I know I did the right thing...both times.

[Feijoa Mum]

I wouldnt stay for the kids but I would try my hardest and give it everything I had before I left - for the kids sake.

I did leave (well I asked him to) once before when I was giving it my all to try and fix us but he wasnt. Its not a party if only one person turns up!!
The kids coped so much better than I thought they would which is why I waited much longer than I should have to end things.
It was the best thing for us as it was the whole "dont know what you have till its gone" kinda thing but it took alot of crap to get to that stage.

hope your ok

[Catastrophic]

Yowie empty your inbox Hun.


Love MN ;-)

[toomanyshoes]

Well I'm currently in a relationship I know I wouldn't still be in if there wasn't 2 kids and 11 years between us.

If I had felt we had both done everything possible to get things on track and keep them on track and it still wasn't working then maybe it would be over but as of the moment I don't think we've both really given it all we've got.

We have had to face some HUGE hurdles over the years, this has been extremely straining on both of us. I'm willing to give it more time because it is important to me.

[Miss.September]

I don't think I would.

My parents split up when I was ten. There was no anger about it, they had to move on from each other. They respect each other now, they get along at family events, and I had both mum and dad walk me down the aisle. I remember being upset at the time that dad wouldn't be coming home each night, but got over it. Both are remarried and both are really happy. I'm totally fine with their decisions and can't imagine them together.

My best friend at high school, her parents stayed together. They rarely spoke to each other, they didn't do anything as a family, and my friend often wished that they would split up, the whole family was living in limbo, in this silent vortex where nothing was discussed. If one parent was home on the weekend, the other went out. As soon as my friend finished school, her parents split up and they don't have anything much to do with each other.

[~Ash~]

I was in this situation myself a few years back - I was so miserable but I kept telling myself that I could put up with it for the sake of my DD (who is well and truly a Daddy's girl).

I tried counselling - alone and with him but in the end my body started putting it's foot down and i started having anxiety attacks whenever I thought about coming home. That's when I knew I'd had enough.

A very good friend said to me that if I loved my daughter with all my heart i would show her that putting myself as a person so that she would learn that she is that important too - I would never EVER want DD in a relationship as an adult because she felt she had to stay.

We split - and apart from the initial pain and backlash from my decision it all did sort itself out in the end. We (my ex and i) are friends - I have a new partner who I am totally in love and happy with - and DD is happy.

I think it's really important that we can treat ourselves like our own best friend - would you tell your best friend they should stay for the kids?

[Trillian]

I wouldn't. I would put everything I could into making the marriage work, but if it didn't, then everyone would be so much happier. It is such a toxic and hostile environment and it can be so damaging for kids to see that. People assume that kids are resilient and would handle it, and to an extent they are, but that is only while they are kids - we have no idea of how this will affect them in the long term as adult and affect how they form and nurture their own relationships. One thing that no one else has mentioned yet is the burden on the kids of knowing that their parents are only together because of them - imagine the guilt they would be carrying over that? My parents had the sense to separate when things got rough, and it was hard on us kids for a long time, but we adjusted and got used to the 'new normal' but if I found out that my parents only stayed together because of me and I had to live in a hostile environment, I'd be pretty resentful of that. You might think that things still look 'normal' but kids are intuitive and they would pick up on it in no time at all.

[~Jayne~]

Hi There,

This is a really, really difficult decision. Just a brief background, but 2010 was a very bad year for my marriage. I found out my DH did a little more than 'work' while he was away & obviously it cause some massive cracks in our marriage. I decided to move overseas with him to try to repair the damage caused. I have to openly admit, the children were a BIG reason for why I decided to do this. I wanted to be able to say to them if it didn't work out that Mummy tried her absolute best. I'm glad I did, because it has worked out.

I think that the children are a very big contributing factor, but also not the ONLY factor? Good luck in your decision, it's only one that you can make.

xx

[Catastrophic]

I was talking about this today. And I came to realize that staying for the kids have different meaning to different people and different relationships.

I think there is a time we stay for the kids because we are trying hard to keep their family and stability together, sometimes it's easier, then there comes a time that the relationship you are in has a very adversed effect on the kids and it comes a time when you "leave for the sake of the kids".

I think that every relationship is different and not necessarily staying for the kids is a bad thing. And I would hope that anyone would have a good support network around them to let them know when it might not be working. Sometimes it's easier to see on the outside looking in.


Love MN ;-)