10 things breastfeeding advocates should stop saying

[loulabelle]

Maybe it's just me, but really don't see what all the fuss is about.

I read the article as saying - you know what? It doesn't matter if you formular feed, if you hear these comments don't let them get to you. You know your reasons and you should not be not be made to feel guilty.

I don't even think of it as being against breastfeeding advocates really, more just a support for those that don't bf and to tell them not to let anyone make them feel bad.

If it's upset you, my guess is it's perhaps because you are guilty of saying similar things to what this article explains.


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[Tinks]

Hmm. Well I read the title and opening post as if it was TO breastfeeding advocates. Not that it was just ABOUT breastfeeding advocates

If you don't want breastfeeders to read or respond or even learn something from it, then perhaps the title of the thread should be changed because as far as I'm aware it is inviting advocates in to learn to watch what they say.

As far as I can see everyone agrees that the comments in the 1st article are out of line. So what's the argument about?? I think the 'breastfeeding advocates' have been quite gracious in response to an article that lumps them all in with the hard headed 'advocates' that don't put thought or respect into what they say. I can only begin to imagine the response to a similar article being written about 10 things formula feeders shouldn't say. I dare say it wouldn't be received well.. Yet breastfeeders need to butt out of this one and just cop it on the chin?

You know, the question of where the thread belongs or what the title is irrelevent.

Judging from the sheer volume of PM's and rep I've received supporting this, I think this article is exactly what FF mums needed - a long time ago.

This article has voiced the concerns of FF mothers everywhere. We've all heard these comments, we've all been hurt by comments like these. Every time one of these things are said it's like another kick in the guts. How a mother feeds her baby (whether it be BF of FF) isn't a choice taken lightly. Most of the time it's because our bodies have failed us, just as some mothers who have had cs feel guilt over their bodies being unable to do what is the most natural thing.

I'm glad I posted this article. It has shown that FF mothers are shunned, yes, even right here on BB. It helped me find that the FF forums were closed to the public while the BF ones were open. It has opened these forums to the general public, proving that FF is nothing to be ashamed of and that there is a support network out there for mothers who feel this way. If this article has helped even 1 FF mother find peace with her choice and 1 BF mother to watch what she says in future, my job is done.

[lilima]

In the BB world FF families may feel ashamed as they are constantly exposed to info to say they are not doing the best for their child. I have many friends in the real world that FF and I don't know any of them that have been ashamed whatsoever.
So well done for posting this.
It gives some equality to FF families.

(coming from a mum who BF both kids but had formula bought each time ready to go if needed.)

[loulabelle]

I can see exactly what you wanted from posting this tinks and I think it's great. And long overdue. We are all mothers, we should be supporting each other, not bringing each other down.
I'm just sorry it's turned into such an issue when there shouldn't even be an issue.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so forgive spelling mistakes

[Liz]

If this article has helped even 1 FF mother find peace with her choice and 1 BF mother to watch what she says in future, my job is done.

I agree wholeheartedly but it's been made pretty clear by previous posts in this thread that breastfeeders aren't welcome in this exclusive area so if that's the case then only half the job will be done.

[Trillian]

Y
This article has voiced the concerns of FF mothers everywhere.

Speak for yourself. I used ABM, I even used formula from day 3 with my last baby. Not once have I ever said that it is just as good as breastfeeding because I know it is not. At face value, the points raised in the article reek of someone who is still struggling with the choices they have made. Fair enough some people so say the most inappropriate things without thinking that they may really upset someone, but get a grip. Formula is a substandard product that will NEVER be as good as breastmilk. Not even close to it. But it is good enough to sustain them and let them grow and that is all that really matters. And you know what, I would have loved if someone had of told me to take ferungreek or similar when I was struggling with my milk supply with my first baby. Because I had no idea that taking supplements can help some mums out. Of course it all comes down to how that advice is given, but just because you formula feed doesn't mean that everyone who gives you advice is doing so to hurt you.


I just don't get how hard it is for some mothers to admit that yes, they used formula and yes it is substandard compared to breastmilk. Being able to admit that doesn't mean that you've done your kids a disservice because you still made every effort to feed them.

[Tinks]

I agree wholeheartedly but it's been made pretty clear by previous posts in this thread that breastfeeders aren't welcome in this exclusive area so if that's the case then only half the job will be done.

who said that?

Trillian I agree with you.

[BellyBelly]

I agree with you too Trill. It looks like some blog post, so it could have easily been written by anyone. Anyone could write a list of the top 10 things they hate to hear, and we can only ever agree or disagree with that based on our own situation, and it could be based on research, organisational advice, or not. But its still great to see someone's views regardless, and how we all feel about that. We're all entitled to an opinion.

Different methods work for different people. For some, the gentle approach, for others, the hardline approach - for some women, hearing some of those things could have helped, like Trill said. I too would have liked suggestions, when I want to know something, I research as much as I can to see what options I have before accepting a form of intervention. It's just me. I like learning and having more options (or tools in the toolbox) open to me to try as I am sure some or at least one will help or work. We're all different. So we'll never all come to an agreement.

I think this has been a great discussion to see the pros and cons to this article, seeing differing reactions etc. I think sometimes when a discussion takes a different path than expected, everyone can learn so much through sharing. Its when people react to that, instead of a simple I agree or disagree, then they blame someone, the problems/war starts.

Lots of good sharing in here, I think.

[Smoke Jaguar]

This thread has raised concerns for me in terms of people saying these things to BREASTFEEDERS in a misguided attempt to keep them breastfeeding! False 'arguments' and statements like these very quickly lose their potency and someone who's really struggling to keep their baby BF will just be defeated by being told these things - they are just of no use at all. And if you're telling a formula feeding mum, well isn't that shutting a badly made gate after the horse has bolted?
That's why I see a wider relevance of this thread - it serves ALL mothers to shoot these statements down. No 'taking sides', no 'us and them' from me in any of what I've posted thus far. And you're not gonna see it.
I also think it's fairer for the person who created this list (I know it wasn't you, Tinks, you're just the messenger!) to call it "10 things SOME dumb-dumb breastfeeding 'advocates' say". Because these things don't actually ADVOCATE breastfeeding, they just condemn people who really need support to do their mothering job.
But go ahead, pigeon-hole me and read something in my posts that isn't there, but is in your attitude towards me because you've got baggage about anyone who does breastfeed (never mind that I've been through hell and back and know how people do turn to formula when the going gets tough...).

[Smoke Jaguar]

Here's input from a member on a self-ban (NaeNae, who has given permission for this to be reposted):

Still, I am glad for articles like this because it really does bring the issues both sides feel to the table, makes you sit up and take note, stirs up emotions of all kinds and makes you see the other sides perspective (which more often than not has the same if not similar arguements) no matter where you sit ... I wonder if, essentially, thats what both sides advocates really want ... a little recognition, a little respect and just a little compassion for their cause???

I agree with Nae

[Erin_25]

I haven't got time to post all I wanted atm, and I am one who did bring up the issue as to where this was posted & the comments being posted....just want to say I do not believe anyone pin pointed BF'ers & said do not post.........more so if it's not consturctive, on topic, or supportive to the thread it is posted in (that being FF discussion & support) then perhaps just don't post. We may not always agree but often we should just let some things be.

[toomanyshoes]

Before anyone goes down the 'you choose your own emotions' road, stop and think about how YOUR words come across and how you would feel if they were said to you.

This is what I agree with most! (although I have read that list before and think its great)

Yes, we can choose our own emotions but you can also choose your words and have to take responsibility for the impact they might have.

[Sagres]

I haven't got time to post all I wanted atm, and I am one who did bring up the issue as to where this was posted & the comments being posted....just want to say I do not believe anyone pin pointed BF'ers & said do not post.........more so if it's not consturctive, on topic, or supportive to the thread it is posted in (that being FF discussion & support) then perhaps just don't post. We may not always agree but often we should just let some things be.

I agree. I am an active member in a different subforum and I feel the same, if you post in a thread (even if it is really relevant to your own experiences) with support and understanding you will be welcome. But if you come in all guns blazing telling people what they should be doing or how they should be feeling and throwing criticism around the other posters would rather you didn't. I think that is a natural reaction when you have a group of posters with a shared experience and a group of posters without that experience.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I may not have been told explicitly not to post here, it was just very heavily implied ("and you are here because??????" Apologies if I've put in more or less question marks than were in the original 'question'). And that's considering I clearly agree with the OP
That's ok, I'm used to people telling others to be careful and sensitive with them and not offering the same civil courtesy to me

[Yeddi]

TBH I don't really understand why these comments made by "breastfeeding advocates" would offend or upset someone unless they already had a hang up about their decision to FF. If you are confident in your decision then why would these statements matter? I've done both and don't feel the need to justify or validate either decision. That being said, I can see where some BF mothers could see this thread of being a bit of a witch hunt, where they have to mind every word, else it could be twisted to be taken as a personal criticism of those who formula feed, but it's okay to make sweeping judgements on BFing.

[Rouge]

Ok so I could be emotional today. In fact I'm sure of it.

But to be fair. Do you think accusing people of being hurtful, like perhaps myself (as I have BF), when I would never ever mean to - is anymore productive than being hurt yourself. TBH, I find a lot of this hurtful. Because I know for myself I would NEVER say anything to hurt another. I do find it hurtful when people get their back up without first asking "Did you mean this?". If you see something that is presumed to be hurtful ask them. Use your words in a positive way. You are all like my neighbours, some are close friends, some acquaintances. But I would be horrified if someone from my neighbourhood put a pamphlet in my letterbox accusing a group of people as a broader spectrum of behaving in a grossly offensive way without even asking first if they meant to be offensive. Second to that if it's a general note, in which no names are mentioned (not that names are allowed to be mentioned in this platform - heck that's what the PM function is for) how am I expected not to take it personally? How am I not to sit here and go... who me?

That is why I don't see this as constructive, because then it just causes the merry go round to continue. My biggest advice is... less revolts, less attacks on each other and ASK people to clarify what they mean. If you can't for one second think of one time you've said something and it hasn't come out just perfect then you really are awesome. Me, I'm not so perfect. In fact I'm far from it. But to be possibly accused of this because I BF (even though I also FF) hurts. Probably just as much as you hurt.

[Trillian]

This 'article' came up in my FB newsfeed yesterday too. It is a blog post on an AP/Gentle Parenting/Pro Bfing blog here Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates Should Stop Saying At the very bottom of the 'article' (Left off the OP) there was this further paragraph from the poster;

Lactivists, advocates, breastfeeding supporters of all kinds (yes, including the ones who’ve used formula!): What do you think? Is it time to put an end to the phrases on this list? What would you add?

The article/blog post was never intended to divide groups of women, in fact it was written by someone who is indeed very pro breastfeeding by the sounds of it (and the tone of her other blog posts) and to me, it looks like she is trying to bridge the divide between the mums who use either method. She is being proactive and recognising that there is a problem and asking for opinions on it and maybe even trying to change the mindset so that people are less likely to upset a Formula feeding mum. She even has another blog post called Top 10 things Breastfeeding Advocates SHOULD say which provides a wonderful balance to the list posted in the OP. Maybe if things can be posted in context then there is less likely to be any issue at all. But when posted as it was without the background info, it does look like it was written from a different headspace and that makes it easy to look like a disgruntled formula feeder having a go at the world.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Thanks, Trillian, that makes a LOT more sense