10 things breastfeeding advocates should stop saying

[Sagres]

Very useful information Trillian, that is the context that I read it in but, yes without the information about who wrote it and why, it is much more ambiguous.

[~StarBright~]

I think that the article is open for both Breast feeding "advocates" and formula feeders to both gain something from it...

I think its great for people to hear the way some of these comments listed can effect someone's feelings. And if it helps someone (anyone) who is encouraging or talking to someone who is formula feeding or considering it, or even just someone pregnant, to maybe think about how they phrase things or what they say, then it helps.

And then I think too it helps someone who has "heard" these phrases aimed personally at them to have a bit of validation and go "Yeah that didnt help", yes there maybe some commradery of FF-ers, coz we are the ones who have heard them, or felt this way.

I think anyone who takes the article too personally(or even the fact that it has been posted) may have been guilty of saying these things (or even thinking them) and maybe they then need to hear that while they have the best of intentions.. saying these things dont always help!!!!! And i think that's the point of the article.

[sas85]

Thank you for posting, it's always good to think about how what we say affects others. You know, until I joined BB I did not even think about how saying some cliches to people who are having trouble conceiving like "just relax it'll happen" blah, blah, blah affected them, and now I know better. It's the same for those who do feel hurt when someone says something to do with their formula feeding their children. If no one ever says anything, people won't know that their well meaning words may hurt. Having said that, intentions matter, and honestly most people are just trying to help.

I for one have had physiological low supply with both my girls, improved with my second, but not enough despite all the intervention from professionals and bucket loads of hard work (yes, those low % of people are out there so don't discount us because we're the minority). I mixed fed DD1 till she refused boob point blank at 7 months, and I am now able to exclusively bf DD2 now that she's older and doesn't need a full supply to nourish her, but mixed fed with formula for 8 months and occasionally while I'm at work after that. I am a huge advocater or breastfeeding, because society is geared the other way, there is not enough education, and when you run into problems, sometimes it does feel like you either run into the "extremists" from either end of the spectrum. But yeah, I have had my fair share of hurtful comments "just feed, feed, feed" - blanket assumptioms are not helpful, and some from people who should know better, like the first ABA Counsellor I emailed, or one of the council lactation consultants I went to. That's how I found BB, and by and large, have found a huge amount of help and support, and good intentions even if it couldn't help, at least they cared. I'm sure that the breastfeeders who do read your posts will take some of it on board, even if it does provoke a bit of a reaction at first.

[Fleur]

I have been thinking about this thread all day.

I had a big long post, I wanted to tell my story & my mother's story... & then I thought it was too long... so I'll leave it at this.

For all the ways that we feed our children, they are being fed. For all the reasons we choose to do whatever we do, they are our reasons. When we judge eachother, we judge ourselves.

Sometimes we do feel uneasy about the choices we have made. Sometimes we doubt ourselves, we regret the path we have taken. Sometimes we don't, but we still don't want to feel like others are judging us for our actions.

It's not always as easy as owning your choices. It's the end goal, to move towards that but sometimes you have to get there before you can be there. In the meantime, a bit of caring and tact doesn't hurt.

And that goes both ways...let's not assume that when someone is saying they like peas, it means they hate your carrots. Maybe they just really like peas Or maybe they don't like your carrots, but they like you.

Lets be a bit more generous in our opinions & assume that we are all doing our best, and that we are not being narky at all but genuine & caring.

Ok... I think that's it... I've had a long day & I don't think I'm going to get anywhere further with this

[entreat]

TBH I don't really understand why these comments made by "breastfeeding advocates" would offend or upset someone unless they already had a hang up about their decision to FF. If you are confident in your decision then why would these statements matter?

I think because it's annoying that people have these misconceptions & feel qualified to say them. I am totally at ease (and a little bit righteous) about my breastfeeding, but I still get narky when people start telling me when to wean, how to feed solids, when to feed solids, how much to feed, etc. It really bugs me. Not because be I have any doubt in what I'm doing, but because clearly other people have so much doubt, that they need to tell me.

And I think it's fair to be annoyed by that.

[Artechim]

[QUOTE]TBH I don't really understand why these comments made by "breastfeeding advocates" would offend or upset someone unless they already had a hang up about their decision to FF. If you are confident in your decision then why would these statements matter?/QUOTE]

Are you serious?? You really don't think someone would be upset if you told them they didn't love their baby enough because they weren't breastfeeding???

[HotI]

Are you serious?? You really don't think someone would be upset if you told them they didn't love their baby enough because they weren't breastfeeding???

I think the statements are that stupid that i would discount the opinion of the person who said them.

[Fleur]

What if you're NOT that sure of your decision?

What if you were tired, sleep deprived and hormonal, you had reached the absolute end of your rope, could not stand for one more minute to have a baby who hurt you every time she latched, or screamed every time you attempted to BF, or who cried & pulled off every minute or so... and you went to formula, and you regretted it, you wondered if you had tried long enough , tried hard enough, and THEN someone comes along and tells you - to be 'helpful'! that if you had just tried a little bit harder you would have gotten through it.

What good does that do?...it isn't helpful, it is hurtful and only adds to the doubt and regret that mother is feeling.

I am a great believer in owning your choices and your feelings.
I agree that if you are feeling happy and content with your choices then the comments of others have little effect. And I sometimes use that as a yardstick in making my choices.
But it's not always that cut & dried, there is often so much emotion tied up with the decision to stop BF or to use FF that simple logic doesn't come into it, and to tell a FF mother that if she's offended or hurt by these comments then obviously she isn't happy with her decision, is pointless and TBH comes across a bit like - 'if you're offended you must have made the wrong choice?'.

[meow]

What if you're NOT that sure of your decision?

What if you were tired, sleep deprived and hormonal, you had reached the absolute end of your rope, could not stand for one more minute to have a baby who hurt you every time she latched, or screamed every time you attempted to BF, or who cried & pulled off every minute or so... and you went to formula, and you regretted it, you wondered if you had tried long enough , tried hard enough, and THEN someone comes along and tells you - to be 'helpful'! that if you had just tried a little bit harder you would have gotten through it.

What good does that do?...it isn't helpful, it is hurtful and only adds to the doubt and regret that mother is feeling.

But then some mother's say they appreciate hearing that because then they think they may be able to BF with their next baby.

I note that a few people have commented about what others implied when they made comments to them. I think implications are something you have to own yourself. If you hear a comment like the one above and think the person is implying you gave up too easily then maybe that's you projecting your own feelings on the comment. It's very possible the intended implication wasn't what you believe it to be.

[meow]

Some people (Im not suggesting you ) have the impression that FF mum want advice on how to BF and that sometimes this advice is offered so quick without consideration to the FF Mum.
For instance if a woman told me she had a C section it would be rude and presumptious to say "Did to try doing this or that..it worked for me...did you push this way or breathe that way..." YKWIM.

That's an interesting example because it reflects the opposite frame of mind to how I feel about unnecessary FFing AND unnecessarians. I don't think the mother should have done some little thing differently. I think she's a reflection of a system gone wrong and she needed better support.

[Fleur]

But then some mother's say they appreciate hearing that because then they think they may be able to BF with their next baby.

I note that a few people have commented about what others implied when they made comments to them. I think implications are something you have to own yourself. If you hear a comment like the one above and think the person is implying you gave up too easily then maybe that's you projecting your own feelings on the comment. It's very possible the intended implication wasn't what you believe it to be.

Yep, true.
I love what you said about 'implications are something you have to own yourself'. If people can't do that then there's no point in saying anything, because you can make something out of anything.
Sometimes even when it's asked for I find it hard to offer encouragement or advice that won't make someone feel like they 'should' do anything.

I just think it's worth keeping in mind a bit of tact never goes astray... so what if taking offence means you're doubting your choices? what's the difference?

I think too it depends on how the advice is offered. There are many ways to frame it, and just saying 'oh well you can try harder next time' or whatever isn't likely to be helpful.

That's an interesting example because it reflects the opposite frame of mind to how I feel about unnecessary FFing AND unnecessarians. I don't think the mother should have done some little thing differently. I think she's a reflection of a system gone wrong and she needed better support.

Absolutely, totally agree.
In most cases, just about every situation I can think of, the failing is with the system / society and reflects a lack of knowledge & support. All of my feeding experiences with my children would have been different, ever single one, if I had had more knowledge & more support. Same with most women I know.

[Yeddi]

I think the statements are that stupid that i would discount the opinion of the person who said them.

^^Yeah that^^

I think because it's annoying that people have these misconceptions & feel qualified to say them... And I think it's fair to be annoyed by that.

That's the thing with parenting... opinions are like *******s, everyone has one. If you're going to get irritated and hold onto hurt every time someone voices a different way of doing things to what you are doing, then you are going to spend a LOT of time and energy being annoyed. There has to come a point where it becomes water off a ducks back, and you go "that's nice" or similar and that's the extreme level of time/emotional expenditure you give it.

What if you're NOT that sure of your decision?

What if you were tired, sleep deprived and hormonal, you had reached the absolute end of your rope, could not stand for one more minute to have a baby who hurt you every time she latched, or screamed every time you attempted to BF, or who cried & pulled off every minute or so... and you went to formula, and you regretted it, you wondered if you had tried long enough , tried hard enough, and THEN someone comes along and tells you - to be 'helpful'! that if you had just tried a little bit harder you would have gotten through it.

What good does that do?...it isn't helpful, it is hurtful and only adds to the doubt and regret that mother is feeling.

Firstly I want to point out I actually was one of those mothers. I ended up FF DD because my milk kept drying up and the only way I could keep it was to keep taking medication which I thought was not a good thing for my health long-term. No one picked up that it was due to my DD having low muscle tone and a poor suck, but people had plenty of "keep trying" comments without giving any practical help. But at the end of the day I made the decision that was best for me and DD with the information I had at the time - and saw their opinions just like any other parenting opinions.

I agree that if you are feeling happy and content with your choices then the comments of others have little effect. And I sometimes use that as a yardstick in [i[making[/i] my choices.
But it's not always that cut & dried, there is often so much emotion tied up with the decision to stop BF or to use FF that simple logic doesn't come into it, and to tell a FF mother that if she's offended or hurt by these comments then obviously she isn't happy with her decision, is pointless and TBH comes across a bit smug ('if you're offended you must have made the wrong choice?').

I don't know how I feel about being called smug, particularly when it's associated with language I didn't use. I really don't like to use terms like "Wrong" or "right" in topics where there are so many factors and considerations to be made that make these relative terms, and I think this use of language is negative and unhelpful. My point is about being at peace with a decision, and this isn't something that someone necessarily has to have at the moment of making their decision, but it is something that someone should work towards and eventually achieve without taking on and getting hung up on the comments of others - and this is not just about FF/BF but every decision in life. Honestly this thread is really about differentiation of self more than anything else, for both sides of the FF/BF camp (urgh, and is exactly why there are "camps).

[courts&munchkins]

That's an interesting example because it reflects the opposite frame of mind to how I feel about unnecessary FFing AND unnecessarians. I don't think the mother should have done some little thing differently. I think she's a reflection of a system gone wrong and she needed better support.

I don't think that's always the case. I have had all the support possible, multiple lactation consultants, speech therapists, bowen therapists, osteopath's, kinesiologists, a hundred calls to the ABA and no one can tell me why my daughter clicks whilst feeding or why it hurts like bleeding murder everytime she attaches.

I ff'd my boys and I was so determined to succeed bfeeding this time but all the information and support in the world hasn't stopped our journey from being the journey from hell and if the oral surgeon can't help us there is a good chance I will be weaning her.

Yes I think the system does fail women a lot, but that doesn't mean every ff case out there is a failure of the system. I actually find it condescending to be lumped as a failure of the system, I have worked bloody hard.

I'd like to add another one to what shouldn't be said because I have heard it so many times the last few months. "she's putting on weight, she's doing well, there's no real problem there" uhuh yeah try living a day in my shoes.

Anyway this was a bit off topic, I liked both articles. Honestly I think if people want advice or help they'll ask, if not it's better to just be supportive without 'trying' to help.

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[meow]

There are exceptions to every rule, and I would hope that those people in extreme situations would be able to recognise that they are the exception. I'm talking about the majority, not everyone.

[Trillian]

Taking the comments in the first article at absolute face value, on their own they are a fairly innocuous set of comments. But the way we will react to them is different depending on who says them aren't they? If you had some random stranger say anything on that list to you, you'd write it off right away and think 'who cares what they think', but if the people saying it to you are closer to you, or come from people who you hold in high regard (or any regard for that matter) then it starts to cut deep. Not everyone has the emotional strength to not let those sorts of comments affect them to some degree. As for the comment about not loving your baby for example, if a random said that to me I'd shrug it off, but if it came from someone close to me, someone who actually knew me, I'd be pretty damn hurt by it regardless of how I actually felt about not BFing kwim?

[Catherine]

Maybe it has already been said - perhaps it is kind of what Mayaness said - and forgive me for not throughly ready everyones responses.

I wanted to add that ABA, who are the strongest advocates for breastfeeding, never use language like that. No matter what, you can call the helpline, go to a local meeting, use the website, and you will find support and respect.

[BellyBelly]

Yup and its been this way for a while. It will take some time for language to change in society, its a whole generation, we are constantly learning. By being kind and gentle, people will be willing to learn, hear and understand what you need to hear.

[Fleur]

Sorry Yeddi. I wasn't directing that comment to you in particular, I was talking more from the POV of how would I feel about someone who said it to me. I probably didn't phrase it very well.

In a nutshell, what I was trying to say is that it is not always as simple as that, sometimes the things that are said to us hurt, even if we know it's rubbish or that we made the right choice.