10 things breastfeeding advocates should stop saying

[Trillian]

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This article has voiced the concerns of FF mothers everywhere.

Speak for yourself. I used ABM, I even used formula from day 3 with my last baby. Not once have I ever said that it is just as good as breastfeeding because I know it is not. At face value, the points raised in the article reek of someone who is still struggling with the choices they have made. Fair enough some people so say the most inappropriate things without thinking that they may really upset someone, but get a grip. Formula is a substandard product that will NEVER be as good as breastmilk. Not even close to it. But it is good enough to sustain them and let them grow and that is all that really matters. And you know what, I would have loved if someone had of told me to take ferungreek or similar when I was struggling with my milk supply with my first baby. Because I had no idea that taking supplements can help some mums out. Of course it all comes down to how that advice is given, but just because you formula feed doesn't mean that everyone who gives you advice is doing so to hurt you.


I just don't get how hard it is for some mothers to admit that yes, they used formula and yes it is substandard compared to breastmilk. Being able to admit that doesn't mean that you've done your kids a disservice because you still made every effort to feed them.

[loulabelle]

Maybe it's just me, but really don't see what all the fuss is about.

I read the article as saying - you know what? It doesn't matter if you formular feed, if you hear these comments don't let them get to you. You know your reasons and you should not be not be made to feel guilty.

I don't even think of it as being against breastfeeding advocates really, more just a support for those that don't bf and to tell them not to let anyone make them feel bad.

If it's upset you, my guess is it's perhaps because you are guilty of saying similar things to what this article explains.


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[loulabelle]

I can see exactly what you wanted from posting this tinks and I think it's great. And long overdue. We are all mothers, we should be supporting each other, not bringing each other down.
I'm just sorry it's turned into such an issue when there shouldn't even be an issue.


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[Liz]

If this article has helped even 1 FF mother find peace with her choice and 1 BF mother to watch what she says in future, my job is done.

I agree wholeheartedly but it's been made pretty clear by previous posts in this thread that breastfeeders aren't welcome in this exclusive area so if that's the case then only half the job will be done.

[Tinks]

I agree wholeheartedly but it's been made pretty clear by previous posts in this thread that breastfeeders aren't welcome in this exclusive area so if that's the case then only half the job will be done.

who said that?

Trillian I agree with you.

[BellyBelly]

I agree with you too Trill. It looks like some blog post, so it could have easily been written by anyone. Anyone could write a list of the top 10 things they hate to hear, and we can only ever agree or disagree with that based on our own situation, and it could be based on research, organisational advice, or not. But its still great to see someone's views regardless, and how we all feel about that. We're all entitled to an opinion.

Different methods work for different people. For some, the gentle approach, for others, the hardline approach - for some women, hearing some of those things could have helped, like Trill said. I too would have liked suggestions, when I want to know something, I research as much as I can to see what options I have before accepting a form of intervention. It's just me. I like learning and having more options (or tools in the toolbox) open to me to try as I am sure some or at least one will help or work. We're all different. So we'll never all come to an agreement.

I think this has been a great discussion to see the pros and cons to this article, seeing differing reactions etc. I think sometimes when a discussion takes a different path than expected, everyone can learn so much through sharing. Its when people react to that, instead of a simple I agree or disagree, then they blame someone, the problems/war starts.

Lots of good sharing in here, I think.

[Smoke Jaguar]

This thread has raised concerns for me in terms of people saying these things to BREASTFEEDERS in a misguided attempt to keep them breastfeeding! False 'arguments' and statements like these very quickly lose their potency and someone who's really struggling to keep their baby BF will just be defeated by being told these things - they are just of no use at all. And if you're telling a formula feeding mum, well isn't that shutting a badly made gate after the horse has bolted?
That's why I see a wider relevance of this thread - it serves ALL mothers to shoot these statements down. No 'taking sides', no 'us and them' from me in any of what I've posted thus far. And you're not gonna see it.
I also think it's fairer for the person who created this list (I know it wasn't you, Tinks, you're just the messenger!) to call it "10 things SOME dumb-dumb breastfeeding 'advocates' say". Because these things don't actually ADVOCATE breastfeeding, they just condemn people who really need support to do their mothering job.
But go ahead, pigeon-hole me and read something in my posts that isn't there, but is in your attitude towards me because you've got baggage about anyone who does breastfeed (never mind that I've been through hell and back and know how people do turn to formula when the going gets tough...).

[Smoke Jaguar]

Here's input from a member on a self-ban (NaeNae, who has given permission for this to be reposted):

Still, I am glad for articles like this because it really does bring the issues both sides feel to the table, makes you sit up and take note, stirs up emotions of all kinds and makes you see the other sides perspective (which more often than not has the same if not similar arguements) no matter where you sit ... I wonder if, essentially, thats what both sides advocates really want ... a little recognition, a little respect and just a little compassion for their cause???

I agree with Nae

[toomanyshoes]

Before anyone goes down the 'you choose your own emotions' road, stop and think about how YOUR words come across and how you would feel if they were said to you.

This is what I agree with most! (although I have read that list before and think its great)

Yes, we can choose our own emotions but you can also choose your words and have to take responsibility for the impact they might have.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I may not have been told explicitly not to post here, it was just very heavily implied ("and you are here because??????" Apologies if I've put in more or less question marks than were in the original 'question'). And that's considering I clearly agree with the OP
That's ok, I'm used to people telling others to be careful and sensitive with them and not offering the same civil courtesy to me

[Yeddi]

TBH I don't really understand why these comments made by "breastfeeding advocates" would offend or upset someone unless they already had a hang up about their decision to FF. If you are confident in your decision then why would these statements matter? I've done both and don't feel the need to justify or validate either decision. That being said, I can see where some BF mothers could see this thread of being a bit of a witch hunt, where they have to mind every word, else it could be twisted to be taken as a personal criticism of those who formula feed, but it's okay to make sweeping judgements on BFing.

[entreat]

TBH I don't really understand why these comments made by "breastfeeding advocates" would offend or upset someone unless they already had a hang up about their decision to FF. If you are confident in your decision then why would these statements matter?

I think because it's annoying that people have these misconceptions & feel qualified to say them. I am totally at ease (and a little bit righteous) about my breastfeeding, but I still get narky when people start telling me when to wean, how to feed solids, when to feed solids, how much to feed, etc. It really bugs me. Not because be I have any doubt in what I'm doing, but because clearly other people have so much doubt, that they need to tell me.

And I think it's fair to be annoyed by that.

[Artechim]

[QUOTE]TBH I don't really understand why these comments made by "breastfeeding advocates" would offend or upset someone unless they already had a hang up about their decision to FF. If you are confident in your decision then why would these statements matter?/QUOTE]

Are you serious?? You really don't think someone would be upset if you told them they didn't love their baby enough because they weren't breastfeeding???

[Rouge]

Ok so I could be emotional today. In fact I'm sure of it.

But to be fair. Do you think accusing people of being hurtful, like perhaps myself (as I have BF), when I would never ever mean to - is anymore productive than being hurt yourself. TBH, I find a lot of this hurtful. Because I know for myself I would NEVER say anything to hurt another. I do find it hurtful when people get their back up without first asking "Did you mean this?". If you see something that is presumed to be hurtful ask them. Use your words in a positive way. You are all like my neighbours, some are close friends, some acquaintances. But I would be horrified if someone from my neighbourhood put a pamphlet in my letterbox accusing a group of people as a broader spectrum of behaving in a grossly offensive way without even asking first if they meant to be offensive. Second to that if it's a general note, in which no names are mentioned (not that names are allowed to be mentioned in this platform - heck that's what the PM function is for) how am I expected not to take it personally? How am I not to sit here and go... who me?

That is why I don't see this as constructive, because then it just causes the merry go round to continue. My biggest advice is... less revolts, less attacks on each other and ASK people to clarify what they mean. If you can't for one second think of one time you've said something and it hasn't come out just perfect then you really are awesome. Me, I'm not so perfect. In fact I'm far from it. But to be possibly accused of this because I BF (even though I also FF) hurts. Probably just as much as you hurt.

[Trillian]

This 'article' came up in my FB newsfeed yesterday too. It is a blog post on an AP/Gentle Parenting/Pro Bfing blog here Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates Should Stop Saying At the very bottom of the 'article' (Left off the OP) there was this further paragraph from the poster;

Lactivists, advocates, breastfeeding supporters of all kinds (yes, including the ones who’ve used formula!): What do you think? Is it time to put an end to the phrases on this list? What would you add?

The article/blog post was never intended to divide groups of women, in fact it was written by someone who is indeed very pro breastfeeding by the sounds of it (and the tone of her other blog posts) and to me, it looks like she is trying to bridge the divide between the mums who use either method. She is being proactive and recognising that there is a problem and asking for opinions on it and maybe even trying to change the mindset so that people are less likely to upset a Formula feeding mum. She even has another blog post called Top 10 things Breastfeeding Advocates SHOULD say which provides a wonderful balance to the list posted in the OP. Maybe if things can be posted in context then there is less likely to be any issue at all. But when posted as it was without the background info, it does look like it was written from a different headspace and that makes it easy to look like a disgruntled formula feeder having a go at the world.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Thanks, Trillian, that makes a LOT more sense

[courts&munchkins]

That's an interesting example because it reflects the opposite frame of mind to how I feel about unnecessary FFing AND unnecessarians. I don't think the mother should have done some little thing differently. I think she's a reflection of a system gone wrong and she needed better support.

I don't think that's always the case. I have had all the support possible, multiple lactation consultants, speech therapists, bowen therapists, osteopath's, kinesiologists, a hundred calls to the ABA and no one can tell me why my daughter clicks whilst feeding or why it hurts like bleeding murder everytime she attaches.

I ff'd my boys and I was so determined to succeed bfeeding this time but all the information and support in the world hasn't stopped our journey from being the journey from hell and if the oral surgeon can't help us there is a good chance I will be weaning her.

Yes I think the system does fail women a lot, but that doesn't mean every ff case out there is a failure of the system. I actually find it condescending to be lumped as a failure of the system, I have worked bloody hard.

I'd like to add another one to what shouldn't be said because I have heard it so many times the last few months. "she's putting on weight, she's doing well, there's no real problem there" uhuh yeah try living a day in my shoes.

Anyway this was a bit off topic, I liked both articles. Honestly I think if people want advice or help they'll ask, if not it's better to just be supportive without 'trying' to help.

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[meow]

There are exceptions to every rule, and I would hope that those people in extreme situations would be able to recognise that they are the exception. I'm talking about the majority, not everyone.