You guys have been through so much.

I am lucky 3rd time around & am still feeding DS at 7 months. It keeps coming into my mind to decide when to stop, but I freak out about stopping. I am no where near ready yet, & I am ok with that, but I'm scared I'll never stop. I'm making up for so much lost time with my girls.

I fell pg with DD1 at 17. I was way too young, I knew nothing, & I had no real support.
In my favour I had the fact that I was quite mature for 17 & I did know that I wanted a natural labour & to BF. & I did read alot.
The labour went reasonably well. I did have gas & pethidine, & t was kinda long, but I birthed vaginally & ended up with no stitches.
I put DD1 to the breast about 20 minutes to half an hour after birth. The pain was instant. In everything I had read, there really wasn't anything at all about BFing & I just assumed as it was natural & something the body is made to do that it would be easy. I was definetely not prepared.
So the MW checked my attatchment & said everything looked fine. Just said that sometimes women with fair skin can have pain while feeding. I don't have fair skin, its quite dark, but I do have very light coloured nipples & areola's. They are also quite small - they did get bigger whilst pg, but only maybe 3 - 4 cm across the areola & still only faint pink colour.
I kept feeding her. I think 2 more times I was checked for attatchment & all looked fine, but the pain was there every feed. The feeling like a needle/pin being pushed through my nipple at all angles.
When DD1 was 2 weeks old I was at the MCHN. She also checked attachment. All good again.
By the time she was 6 weeks old I was in tears feeding her. It hurt & it was getting worse. I went & bought a manual breast pump.
For about a week I spent about an hour expressing, then about an hour BFing & giving the EBM. It was taking forever to express & I wasn't getting very much at a time. Around 20 mls.
So I bought FF. I did BF/FF for a couple of weeks. She was mostly on the FF.
I gave her her last BF at 10 weeks old.

I felt so guilty. I think the fact that I was only 18 added to it. I wanted to prove to everyone that just because I was a young mum didn't mean I couldn't do the best for my child.
I was diagnosed with PND, offered counselling, but I wasn't too worried myself, so I didn't go.


3 years later. DD2.
I had a great labour. It was long with pre labour, but so calm & relaxing & drug free.
DD2 went to the breast almost instantly. It was amazing. There was no pain.
I had read about BFing this time around. How to toughen them up & prepare your nipples for feeding. Things were great!
Till she was 4 weeks old. I had no problems feeding in front of people I knew, but when a friends BIL was at her house I felt a bit awkward. I tried to attatch DD2 under my shirt so noone would see. BIG mistake. I put her on wrong & was cracked & bleeding.
The pain was excruciating. This time I was cracked. I don't know what the pain was last time, but this was pretty much the same except I could see why it was there.
I was scared of pain while BFing, so I gave her a few FF's. The next day I went to feed her & things were good again. I had healed up.
So we were kinda back on track. Except for her colic. DD2 had bad colic & for 10 weeks she was up screaming til 3am EVERY night. From about 1 week old.
I was sleep deprived & had a toddler to take care of. It was hard.
Then the pain started. I had too much going on without dealing with that as well. I gave up. We had both developed thrush & I was hoping that FF would also help with the colic.
I had no idea that thrush causes pain til I had DS, so I just assumed the pain I had with DD1 was back.
I also had PND again & it was suspected that I didn't get over it from DD1.
It was all too much, so she was put on FF full time again. I think her last BF was about 5 weeks.

I felt guilty up til DS was born. DD1 is asthmatic & DD2 gets eczema. 2 of the things it is suspected BFing helps with. I do know that both are also genetic & they do run in both sides of the family, but thats no consulation.

At 6 weeks I had problems with DS. My nipples are still very sensitive, but its not excrutiating. Its bearable. I nearly gave up, but I was a crying mess about it & my PND which I had so far avoided was coming back full force, so I rang my MCHN.
Along with a phone call to a LC we sorted it out. I had thrush & was cracked.
I used Nilstat & nipple sheilds for a couple of days & its all gone smoothly since.
I feel so much better. I am still suffering with PND, but BFing DS is the only thing I do that makes me feel like I'm here for a reason.

I'm very lucky this time around, & I don't mean to rub it in to anyone else. I just know how lucky I am this time around. I finally feel that I am worth something to my children.

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for reading.