Everything you want to know but have been too afraid to ask (about samesex parenting)

[Indadhanu]

Dee, actually I'm glad someone asked this.

Firstly, when it comes to being picked on, my initial reaction is to say that kids will tease about anything. Hair colour, clothes, physical charateristics, religion etc. If its not one thing its another so thats what I say to people firstly.

But yes we are obviously worried about her being picked on about the decisions we've made. For starters I'll say that we'll never hide the fact that we are a lesbian couple, we'll never teach Jazz that it is something to hide or be ashamed of. We'll be teaching her that some people don't understand that there are lots of different types of love, so there might be people who aren't very nice.

At the moment I am working with a GLBTI organistation and the education department about incorporating same-sex family structure into the curriculum from Prep. Not sex education, but just including that sometimes two women or two men love each other and they are a family too. There are books out there that are appropriate to 5yo's so trying to get schools to stock them and read them. We're also going to be very involved with the P&C with whatever school she goes to, to encourage diversity and acceptance.

Ultimately though we're looking into Montessori for her primary education, as I know they are very openminded and accepting.

[Indadhanu]

Rainforest, I've been told she is going to be tall and then asked if her dad is tall. I answer "she's going to be tall like her other mum, because we chose a donor who was just like her" which I think answers the question quite well We chose a donor like Shel so those questions would be pretty easy to answer.

Satya, well most of the time I am mumma or booby mumma lol (like in my sig) and she is mummy. Sometimes we just say mum and other mum depending on who is saying it. But we're both some form of mum.

Tali, well at the moment (this is fairly tentative) in 12-18 months time, if Shel decides she wants to birth the next baby then she will become primary carer and I'm going to be the working parent. If I'm going to birth the next bub then I'll be staying home. But whoever births will be primary carer of the kidlets. If Shel doesn't want to birth #3 (and at this stage 3 is our limit) we'll have to work out something as we do both want the experience of being stay at home mum.

[New Dawn]

Thats very brave of you Leasha, I couldnt give up been a SAHM mum, BHL has said ( on a bad day ) that he would love to be a SAHD.... So he could work in the garden and play on his car LOL like that would happen.... But I know he knows that he couldnt do it just like I know I couldnt go to work each day a miss even a second of what the winkies are doing...As much as the drive me batty at times...

[LaDeeDa]

Hey Leasha....

Thanks for answering .....

I agree with you - kids will tease over [I]anything[/I] i think it's great you guys are going to be so involved and teach the other kids that there are so many different ways of being a family

[Indadhanu]

It's a hard decision for me to make to give up being a stay at home mum... I guess to me I know how much I love it, I love watching her learn and grow, and I hate the fact that Shel is missing out, I just want her to be able to experience that too, and so does she. It would be hard for me to go to work, but then I think it'd be equally as hard for Shel so I kind of feel really selfish for wanting her to support us all the time and not have this experience with Jazz and other kids when they come along.

[Indadhanu]

Hey! I didn't know you got it for free if you worked for the DF... time for a career change!

PMSL JOKING!

Lea, not sure if I could answer that... maybe yes, but then it'd really suck working for someone just for that if you don't at least like what you're doing so if it is just for free fertility treatment then they would be pretty unsatisfied with their work. So I'd feel sorry for them if that was their motivation.

I have PCOS so our final out of pocket wasn't too severe, but I know of couples who do fork out thousands. Now, I'm pretty unpopular in the lesbian parenting 'circuit' for this opinion BUT i\ll say it anyway because its what I think...
I'm a lesbian, I can't help that, but I do chose to be in a lesbian relationship. I don't chose who I love, but I chose who I have a relationship with. I chose love and happiness, and the reality is we have no sperm between us. I can't be bitter about it, and about the fact that we have to include someone else in our family plans or pay for an unknown donor. I'm personally ok with paying for sperm if it means I am parenting with the woman that I love. I did get a rebate from Medicare, but before we knew that I had PCOS we were prepared to pay the full amount.
(I know that was OT but I thought it might come up so I'll answer it now)

From our FS, we found them a little stand off-ish at first, but I think they are like that to everyone. In the end we were treated as no different, Shel and I both had to sign the agreement, they respected that she was my partner and was treated as my partner every step of the way. In hospital we were treated wonderfully, there was no question at all, we didn't have to ask for recognition, that was just a given. Shel was the one to be with Jazz while I was in recovery, there was never any insinuation that it would be any other way, and on my charts and on Jazz's little record they wrote Shel in automatically. It was fantastic!

PMSL when someone asks "who's the man" I say "neither, we're lesbians"

[*charmalea*]

PMSL when someone asks "who's the man" I say "neither, we're lesbians"

busy thread only just got around to reading it ,... but has anyone actually asked you that

[*charmalea*]

not really sure where this is coming from or even if a q you can answer BUT , i know of a lesbian couple who have a child and now currently PG with number 2 (each woman have taken turns in carrying the child )

But what stuck out to me is that this couple got ivf for free from the defence force (they both work in the DF) SO do you think that they could be using the DF to have babies for free .. as i assume you had to fork out alot of money to help concieve Jazz?? I kinda felt put out by the fact that i know alot of ttcers who put so much money into IVF and no result where as they were at the front of the line and concieved .. they joked it was a present from the DF for working for them ...

And did you find much ignorance from FS , seeing as you are gay and wanting childern ?? kwim ..
were your treated any different ?? and how were you treated in Hosp ???

AND do you get stupid questions like "whos the man in the relationship ??" i think ignorance has alot to do with silly questions and im so glad that you are trying to make a difference in understanding !!

[Aimz]

im so glad that you are trying to make a difference in understanding !!

I agree. I think it's fantastic that you are putting yourself out there to openly clear up an misconceptions. Well done!!

[cruemum]

firstly congrats and thank you for this wonderful idea.

My question is one that just popped into my head.
Who's surname does Jazz have?

Also there a lot of kids out there without dad's and they do fine.
She is a very lucky girl to have two wonderful mothers who adore her, if only all children had that!!

[Indadhanu]

Catherine, I changed my surname to Shel's surname (lots of reasons why) so we all have the same surname

[Aimz]

So after choosing a donor that dispays characteristics the same as Shel's - can you see a resemblance now that Jazz is here?

[Indadhanu]

Most people say she looks exactly like me! She is very long though, compared to me as a baby so I know she'll be tall like Shel!

[Mum0809]

Just one question I hope its not too forward. Do you think having lesbian mums will affect Jazz's choice of relationships when she is older, like would she choose to be a lesbian because her mums are lesbians and she is comfortable with it or do you think it wouldn't make a difference in her choice?

I think Jazz is a very lucky little girl to have two caring loving mums. If she gets teased i'm sure she will have two mums standing up for her.

[Rouge]

I doubt very much she'll get teased. I had a lesbian guardian for a short period (in my teen years) and I was fine, my godfather is gay, I also had two friends in high school and one in primary school who had 2 mums and none of them ever got teased. She'll be fiiiine. If anything she'll be more open minded than most and thats totally awesome

[Bathsheba]

Well done Leasha answering all these questions You are so right about many people having questions but not often feeling there is a right time to ask. Here's mine:

When I was pregnant, in labour and for a while post labour I occassionally felt resentful that my DH couldn't understand how uncomfortable, painful, hormonal I felt. In labour I didn't abuse him or blame him like some women do with their partners but I REALLY wished I could have hooked up wires leading from my brain (pain center) to his so that he could gain some insight as to what I was actually going through. However at the end of the day I conceded that because he was male I'd just have to accept that he would just never know my pain... he isn't meant to know... he is meant to be my protector and keep an eye out for savage beasts that might be preying on vulnerable me and baby LOL Now, if I was in a Lesbian relationship I wouldn't have that to fall back on. I reckon my resentment regarding any perceived lack of empathy would really get to me.

Doesn't it bug you that, as another woman, Shell is physically capable of empathy... but isn't? IYKWIM? She kinda doesn't have the excuse of being biologically incapable like a bloke does. Geeze i hope that came out right! Maybe most women don't think like I do... LOL and that I'm strange for wanting my DH to experience the pain. Kinda like when I catch a cold and spend all day in bed feeling guilty but suffering in silence.... then 3 days later DH catches it and claims he is dying LOL Doesn't it feel sooooo good to finally feel JUSTIFIED!??? ETA: BTW I'm not mean about it when he does fall sick... I "mother" him nicely because i have some empathy of what it's like to be sick

[Catastrophic]

This may be a silly question but... What circle of friends are u2 in? Do you have more lesibian/gay couples/singles as friends? or do you have a hetrosexual couples/singles... Is there a difference in who you get along better? Is there still a huge stigma around gay couples...

I'm soooooooo sorry if that has offended you in any way. or i asked too many questions........

BTW we havent met, but through reading on here i feel like i've got to know you an i think your just ace

[Indadhanu]

Do you think having lesbian mums will affect Jazz's choice of relationships when she is older, like would she choose to be a lesbian because her mums are lesbians and she is comfortable with it or do you think it wouldn't make a difference in her choice?

Well, I don't think you chose to be a lesbian, I think its just who you are. I don't know who she'll be attracted, but I don't think it'll make a difference. I'm a lesbian and my parents are straight, so it wouldn't be any different for Jazz

Thanks Cai and Trish

Woah Bath, ok, hmm... Well! lol
Obviously theres no man in our relationship so we don't have the clear cut 'protector/nurturer' roles IYKWIM, so we each take, well kind of like turns I guess (though its not we say 'ok your turn to be protector' lol) so there are days when Shel feels like my protector and I feel like I am the one to stand behind her. Then there are days when I feel extremely protective, like theres a bump in the night and I'll be the one to investigate (or if theres a spider ).

When I think about labour I feel the protector side, I don't want her to go through that pain, I want to be able to do that for her, I want to ptotect her from that. Maybe its because I know that she is capable of feeling it though. I think I'd probably be pretty resentful if I was with a male partner, I could say "its all right for you, you'll never have to go through it!". Because Shel CAN I worry about her and if she'll be ok. I think its because she can, and because we 'share' that protecting role. Does that make sense?

Cassie, most of our friends are straight, generally couples with kids. We have a few gay and lesbian friends, but most of them arent on the settle down with a family page yet so we dont have much in common. Theres no difference with who I get along with. A d!ckhead is a d!ckhead, gay or straight lol! I don't avoid or gravitate to people based on sexuality
As for stigma, depends... Generally people are accepting, you get those who just tolerate, and there are the ignorant ones who don't understand. Then there are the narrow minded people who have the capacity to understand but choose not to because they fear the unknown and hate those who challenge their archaic ideals and beliefs. Luckily its mostly the first 3 groups, and I can deal with that