Hi, single lesbian who can't stop thinking about babies!!

[Shades]

Thanks guys... I've got a GP app. in June so I was planning to discuss some stuff then - thing is I've just moved up from Melbourne so it's my first app. with her, lots of stuff to sort out and she doesn't know me from Adam so it doesn't quite seem fair to ask her opinion just yet about how fit I am to be a mum!

I get lots of contact with babies every time I pick Riley up from school (they jokingly call this Conception Bay!) because we wait around for the kids and most of his classmates have baby siblings who come with mum to pick them - so I get to Ooh and Aah and cuddle them, but it's not enough!

I used to live off what I get on Newstart, it's doable as long as I'm sharing rent with someone else. My mum's promised me though that I don't ever have to move out if I don't want to, she knows it's hard 'cause of being sick.

I just don't know if I can reconcile my desire with my guilt, I keep thinking I'm just being selfish...

[smiles4u]

I just wanted to make a point in saying 'Government Handouts' as mentioned by a previous members comment are not there to support people purely because they want a baby

... I worked & paid my taxes for over 20years before I had my 1st baby at 40 ... I too had many baby desires for many years BUT could NEVER ever end up being one of ' those ' that is happy to suck money out of the hard working tax payer (not all tax payer are rich$, a lot of us struggle too !!!)

My DP earns an above average income (I am home full-time with my daughter now) & after all these years of working & paying taxes I can't even get a Concession card to get cheap fare on a bus.

I take the local bus sometimes & pay full fare, & it gets my blood boiling when I see so many young Mother's usually with more than one child pay concession. They are so young, it would be lucky if they have worked for 5yrs of their life, if any at all

... SHADEY I so hope you have some sort of finance$$ coming in of ' your own ' to support this baby ?? If you are working at all do you realise the cost of childcare if you have no one you personally know to look after your child for free whilst you work.

ALL THE VERY BEST IN YOUR DECISION, ... AND YOU WILL HAVE THAT BUBBA ONE DAY WHETHER IT BE SOONER OR LATER

[Shades]

Thanks for your honesty Smiles, I can see where you're coming from with the whole sucking the money out of taxpayers - I've been on government support for more than a couple of years now and feel really guilty about it - but I'm told by family and also by Centrelink staff that I shouldn't - it's not my fault that I am sick and generally unable to work. I'd also have my mum to help with the days that I struggled to look after bub AND me...

That's honestly a big part of the guilt and selfishness issues that I've been stuck on with this whole thing.... So you think that the fact that I'm on support because of being unable to work should mean that I shouldn't be considering having a child?

(I'm seriously not trying to sound facetious or combative here - not sure how to put it exactly though - I am genuinely interested in your thoughts on this - I just sometimes come across wrong)

[nickel]

Shades, I think you need to work through any guilt issues you have with your care giver, but PERSONALLY I don't think you should feel guilty about it. Plenty of financially well off people have babies and make TERRIBLE parents so it's not really about that. It does make life harder not to have money but you sound like you know that! One question, would you be able to be in any better financial position of you delayed having a baby? or would it not really make that much difference? Do you feel guitly that you can't provide financially for your baby, or that society would judge you as sucking the system dry? In which case, give society the bird, and take what's available to help you live your life as best you can.

I have to agree with Krisp - you never have "enough" money to do anything in our society.

[smiles4u]

Oh, NICKEL that was a little unfair on your behalf verbally attacking me that way

Do you understand that the single parents pension is there for those that can't get employment at their time/situation of need until they do get employment, NOT for those who chose for it to be an option of living & being financially$$ supported by others.

OMG, could you imagine the massive financial strain on this country if ' every single woman in this country ' that's wants a child & does so & chooses to go on the pension ...

... AND could you imagine if every single woman that ' doesn't ' have a child decides to STOP working therefore STOPS paying taxes which HELPS towards these woman having their child & choosing to be supported on a pension

I can only hope that my daughter when she becomes an adult & if she chooses or wants to have her own child, doesn't EXPECT every other person pay$$ for THAT child's unbringing.

I would imagine that women that think this way have been encourage with that way of thinking because they themselves had Mother's ' do the same' & have/had others financially support the unbringing of their child.

I won't be here again on this topic,
... oh, it makes me far too upset for those that are out there working their hearts out to pay$$ for their 'own child's' unbringing & paying towards some strangers child's financial support on the pension

[briggsy's girl]

Shades - i think you need to look at this from a whole lot of angles. financial is one that obviously stirs up a bit of debate. to be honest, the funds you get from the government aren't that much so you'll have to do it tough - raising a child isn't cheap, and you've got to be able to find the resources to raise your child on your own. it IS a welfare payment, and applying for welfare is always a choice. it isn't a case of coasting on government payments until your child is 16 - there are mutual obligation expectations to meet, and to be entirely honest, mental health issues, in most cases, are not sufficient to get you exempted from the need to meet that mutual obligation. there is, unfortunately, a huge social stigma with people being on welfare payments, and this is something you will be subjected to daily, so you need to be prepared for that. in all honesty, i think choosing to hav a child knowing that you will have no source of income other than welfare isn't a smart move - but this is MY opinion from watching some of my friends struggle terribly to get by. lack of money can have a mammoth impact on how you are able to raise your child, and can have an impact on that childs self esteem long term. i am the child of long term welfare recipients (due to physical disabilities) and i've had to work damn hard to build myself up and get past the mentality that welfare is the easy option. i don't agree that ONLY children of welfare recipients believe that welfare is the easy, or the "done" thing - but it has been proven through some pretty major government studies that children of welfare recipients ARE more likely to grow up believing it's the way to go, and expecting hand outs to survive. you have to take into account whether you can help your child get past this mind set and exceed that expectation to become a well-educated and productive contributor to society.

i guess more than financially (you'll always find a way to make it work) you need to work out whether you will be able to provide an adequate and supportive environment for a child if you bring it into the world. is the illness you're suffering going to take you away from your child? is it going to make it difficult for you and impact on your child's well being? will pregnancy and birth exacerbate the problems you already have? is the illness you have something that is likely to be passed on to your child and cause them issues? are you medicated with anything that could be harmful for your child? the fact that you're already feeling guilt at just contemplating a child tells me that you're probably not in the right place for this. if you're feeling doubt before you've even taken steps to become a parent, you're probably not ready

the biological yearning to have a child can be overwhelming - i'm not going to deny that - but you have to make sure you're ready not just for being a mum to a new born, but a parent to a child - you need to know that you're ok with dealing with both your mental illness and the needs of a demanding individual for the next 18 or more years. your mum might be there for you now, but what happens when your little brother grows up a bit and needs more of mum's time. or mum is working full time and can't be there to pick up the pieces for you - or, as horrible as this sounds - what if something happens to mum - how do YOU cope? having a child is a long term responsibility and one that YOU have to be ready to take on. yeah, mum is there, but hun, you can't rely on that. you can't factor this in to your decision making. it has to be all about you. being a parent is going to be hard work - and being a single parent means you have to be able to take on 100% of the load as there is no other parent to share that responsibility. i won't try to talk you into or out of it - just want you to pose a hell of a lot of questions of yourself before you decide.

the biological imperative to be a parent won't just go away - for some of us, it gets worse as we get older! but it can't be the only deciding factor for you in having a baby.

good luck in making a decision that is in your best intersts

BG

[Shades]

Just for the record Smiles... I work as soon as I feel well enough and stop when I get too sick again - it's not a 'decision' to be on welfare. Don't be thinking I enjoy living off others.

Thanks for your considered and detailed answer BG, and for your support too Kel -

Am thinking time is not going to help the finances... still - even laying that aside there is still the illness thing... I'm not on meds at the moment for the very reason that I'm thinking of this baby issue, but I'm still not sure where I stand on the fairness of having a child when I know that the genetic predisposition to have what I have is lurking there somewhere... I mean, I could always hope that once they get to the likely age of onset - teens - there'll be better treatments... but is that naive and idealistic of me? Do I still want to risk saddling a child with depression... I just don't know. And it's not something that will change either, now or in ten years - I still have that same genetic material to pass on... so if I say no now, then it's pretty much the same no for ten years from now... I just don't know...

[Macca79]

Hi there
Firstly I would like to say that I understand how much wanting to have a baby can impact on your life. It can dominate your every waking thought. DH and I spent 4 years ttc and ended up needing fertility treatment. For me having a baby meant everything.

Secondly I know what it is like to be the child of a same sex couple. When I was 9 ish my parents split and my mum found a female partner. While I was well loved by my family and friends I will say it is not always easy for the child or the same sex parents when society passes judgment. During such times external support is really important for the mum/mums and child.

I don't want to tell you what I think or what you should do, thats for you to decide but I would say that if you are having a lot of doubt and questions about your health and finances then maybe your not ready just now to have a child. Maybe take some time and research it a bit. Read a few books, talk to others (GP, family, friends etc). I feel that when the time is right for you you will be a mum and a great one at that.

I wish you all the best on your ttc journey . Remember that there is support out there and don't be afraid to reach for it if you need it and honey disregard any criticism there will always be people to have a go at what ever you do.