Hi, single lesbian who can't stop thinking about babies!!

[Shades]

Thanks for your honesty Smiles, I can see where you're coming from with the whole sucking the money out of taxpayers - I've been on government support for more than a couple of years now and feel really guilty about it - but I'm told by family and also by Centrelink staff that I shouldn't - it's not my fault that I am sick and generally unable to work. I'd also have my mum to help with the days that I struggled to look after bub AND me...

That's honestly a big part of the guilt and selfishness issues that I've been stuck on with this whole thing.... So you think that the fact that I'm on support because of being unable to work should mean that I shouldn't be considering having a child?

(I'm seriously not trying to sound facetious or combative here - not sure how to put it exactly though - I am genuinely interested in your thoughts on this - I just sometimes come across wrong)

[nickel]

Shades, I think you need to work through any guilt issues you have with your care giver, but PERSONALLY I don't think you should feel guilty about it. Plenty of financially well off people have babies and make TERRIBLE parents so it's not really about that. It does make life harder not to have money but you sound like you know that! One question, would you be able to be in any better financial position of you delayed having a baby? or would it not really make that much difference? Do you feel guitly that you can't provide financially for your baby, or that society would judge you as sucking the system dry? In which case, give society the bird, and take what's available to help you live your life as best you can.

I have to agree with Krisp - you never have "enough" money to do anything in our society.

[smiles4u]

Oh, NICKEL that was a little unfair on your behalf verbally attacking me that way

Do you understand that the single parents pension is there for those that can't get employment at their time/situation of need until they do get employment, NOT for those who chose for it to be an option of living & being financially$$ supported by others.

OMG, could you imagine the massive financial strain on this country if ' every single woman in this country ' that's wants a child & does so & chooses to go on the pension ...

... AND could you imagine if every single woman that ' doesn't ' have a child decides to STOP working therefore STOPS paying taxes which HELPS towards these woman having their child & choosing to be supported on a pension

I can only hope that my daughter when she becomes an adult & if she chooses or wants to have her own child, doesn't EXPECT every other person pay$$ for THAT child's unbringing.

I would imagine that women that think this way have been encourage with that way of thinking because they themselves had Mother's ' do the same' & have/had others financially support the unbringing of their child.

I won't be here again on this topic,
... oh, it makes me far too upset for those that are out there working their hearts out to pay$$ for their 'own child's' unbringing & paying towards some strangers child's financial support on the pension

[briggsy's girl]

Shades - i think you need to look at this from a whole lot of angles. financial is one that obviously stirs up a bit of debate. to be honest, the funds you get from the government aren't that much so you'll have to do it tough - raising a child isn't cheap, and you've got to be able to find the resources to raise your child on your own. it IS a welfare payment, and applying for welfare is always a choice. it isn't a case of coasting on government payments until your child is 16 - there are mutual obligation expectations to meet, and to be entirely honest, mental health issues, in most cases, are not sufficient to get you exempted from the need to meet that mutual obligation. there is, unfortunately, a huge social stigma with people being on welfare payments, and this is something you will be subjected to daily, so you need to be prepared for that. in all honesty, i think choosing to hav a child knowing that you will have no source of income other than welfare isn't a smart move - but this is MY opinion from watching some of my friends struggle terribly to get by. lack of money can have a mammoth impact on how you are able to raise your child, and can have an impact on that childs self esteem long term. i am the child of long term welfare recipients (due to physical disabilities) and i've had to work damn hard to build myself up and get past the mentality that welfare is the easy option. i don't agree that ONLY children of welfare recipients believe that welfare is the easy, or the "done" thing - but it has been proven through some pretty major government studies that children of welfare recipients ARE more likely to grow up believing it's the way to go, and expecting hand outs to survive. you have to take into account whether you can help your child get past this mind set and exceed that expectation to become a well-educated and productive contributor to society.

i guess more than financially (you'll always find a way to make it work) you need to work out whether you will be able to provide an adequate and supportive environment for a child if you bring it into the world. is the illness you're suffering going to take you away from your child? is it going to make it difficult for you and impact on your child's well being? will pregnancy and birth exacerbate the problems you already have? is the illness you have something that is likely to be passed on to your child and cause them issues? are you medicated with anything that could be harmful for your child? the fact that you're already feeling guilt at just contemplating a child tells me that you're probably not in the right place for this. if you're feeling doubt before you've even taken steps to become a parent, you're probably not ready

the biological yearning to have a child can be overwhelming - i'm not going to deny that - but you have to make sure you're ready not just for being a mum to a new born, but a parent to a child - you need to know that you're ok with dealing with both your mental illness and the needs of a demanding individual for the next 18 or more years. your mum might be there for you now, but what happens when your little brother grows up a bit and needs more of mum's time. or mum is working full time and can't be there to pick up the pieces for you - or, as horrible as this sounds - what if something happens to mum - how do YOU cope? having a child is a long term responsibility and one that YOU have to be ready to take on. yeah, mum is there, but hun, you can't rely on that. you can't factor this in to your decision making. it has to be all about you. being a parent is going to be hard work - and being a single parent means you have to be able to take on 100% of the load as there is no other parent to share that responsibility. i won't try to talk you into or out of it - just want you to pose a hell of a lot of questions of yourself before you decide.

the biological imperative to be a parent won't just go away - for some of us, it gets worse as we get older! but it can't be the only deciding factor for you in having a baby.

good luck in making a decision that is in your best intersts

BG

[Shades]

Just for the record Smiles... I work as soon as I feel well enough and stop when I get too sick again - it's not a 'decision' to be on welfare. Don't be thinking I enjoy living off others.

Thanks for your considered and detailed answer BG, and for your support too Kel -

Am thinking time is not going to help the finances... still - even laying that aside there is still the illness thing... I'm not on meds at the moment for the very reason that I'm thinking of this baby issue, but I'm still not sure where I stand on the fairness of having a child when I know that the genetic predisposition to have what I have is lurking there somewhere... I mean, I could always hope that once they get to the likely age of onset - teens - there'll be better treatments... but is that naive and idealistic of me? Do I still want to risk saddling a child with depression... I just don't know. And it's not something that will change either, now or in ten years - I still have that same genetic material to pass on... so if I say no now, then it's pretty much the same no for ten years from now... I just don't know...

[Macca79]

Hi there
Firstly I would like to say that I understand how much wanting to have a baby can impact on your life. It can dominate your every waking thought. DH and I spent 4 years ttc and ended up needing fertility treatment. For me having a baby meant everything.

Secondly I know what it is like to be the child of a same sex couple. When I was 9 ish my parents split and my mum found a female partner. While I was well loved by my family and friends I will say it is not always easy for the child or the same sex parents when society passes judgment. During such times external support is really important for the mum/mums and child.

I don't want to tell you what I think or what you should do, thats for you to decide but I would say that if you are having a lot of doubt and questions about your health and finances then maybe your not ready just now to have a child. Maybe take some time and research it a bit. Read a few books, talk to others (GP, family, friends etc). I feel that when the time is right for you you will be a mum and a great one at that.

I wish you all the best on your ttc journey . Remember that there is support out there and don't be afraid to reach for it if you need it and honey disregard any criticism there will always be people to have a go at what ever you do.

[Shades]

Thanks Macca...

[Indadhanu]

Hi Shades,

I haven't really read many of the posts, as I wanted to reply to you and not get into an argument!

I can't really help with you health concerns. I have had my share of serious mental illness which I am thankfully completely recovered from, but I do understand your concerns about being a good mum (still suffer from depression). I believe if you have talked about getting pregnant with your psychiatrist and psychologist, and you have their support then I would let go of some of that worry. It's extremely important IMO that you do have their support throughout the whole process, as it is stressful and the moods hormones you go through when TTC and when you are pregnant can rattle even the most mentally stable person! And if you don't get pregnant the first time, having negative results can be really painful and disappointing, and it can get to the point where you blame yourself. And being single and doing this alone would add more stress on top of that I would imagine, not having a partner to share the stress.

As for the financial situation, well money isn't everything, but in saying that you can't live without it. My first question to you would be, how do you plan on getting pregnant? If you choose to use a donor there is considerable costs with that, and unless you have a diagnosed fertility issue you aren't covered by Medicare so those costs can come to in excess of $1000 a cycle. If you use a known donor you don't have those costs if you DIY but you will have lawyers costs drawing up contracts and protecting yourself legally. I'm certainly not trying to scare you or tell you you shouldn't get pregnant, just being realistic. The costs start well before conception! Then there is making sure you have what you need before the baby arrives (which can of course be done cheaply) and that you can support yourself and a baby and pay all your bills. It can be done when you are receiving Centrelink. Not easily of course, as you'd know these payments barely cover the essentials, but it can be done.

I think the most important thing here though, is the fact that you're living with your mum. We'd all like to think our family will support us through whatever because they are supposed to love us unconditionally but have you talked to her about this? Does she support your plan to have a baby while single and living under her roof? Will she help support you, emotionally? Is she accepting? Does she know you are a lesbian? You've probably thought of all this, but from someone who has been let down by family I want you to know that with the emotional and physical stress of TTC and being pregnant, and unsupportive family can make it a hundred times worse. And you don't want to face the situation of not having your mum support you, and possibly even ask you to move out when you are really relying on her support.

Anyway, now I feel like a doom and gloom master! I don't want you to think I am trying to talk you out of it, or tell you that you haven't thought about these things. Theres just a lot that really doesn't get thought about, and if you don't think about it it would be pretty stressful realising them at the last minute.

P.S. Have added you on MSN so we can chat if you like Say hello if you see me on!