New, need some advice.

[Lacey080790]

Hello,
I'm new to this site. My partner asked me to find a gay/lesbian parenting forum and I came across this one. We live in the states, on the west coast.
We are going to start TTC in June... it's getting closer... we are using known donor sperm and are very excited to start our family. I'm going to be the birth mother and she is worried the baby won't consider her a mother and the baby won't like her and everything. I've told her time and time again that the baby will love her as much as it will love me regardless of the fact that I will carry it and she won't.
I want to know if anyone else has run into this situation and if anyone has any advice for us or what I can tell her to ease her worries... We still can't decide on any names, at all... we can't comprimise so I'm trying to get one worry out of the way at a time.

BTW My name is Lacey, my partner is Jessica. Thank you very much for reading my post and I hope someone can offer some advice

[cath&denise]

Welcome Lacey and Jessica.

I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted to say hi.

My partner and I have been ttc since June last year. We've had five home insemination attempts now with a known donor. Hopefully the next will be the one (maybe April)

I think it's really important for Jessica to feel involved right from the start of your discussions about conceiving. She needs to know that you are equal partners in the journey of becoming and being parents.

Maybe find a way for you both to spend the first few weeks together as a family so that Jessica can also bond immediately with your new baby.

Good luck to you both.

Cath

[Lacey080790]

Welcome Lacey and Jessica.

I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted to say hi.

My partner and I have been ttc since June last year. We've had five home insemination attempts now with a known donor. Hopefully the next will be the one (maybe April)

I think it's really important for Jessica to feel involved right from the start of your discussions about conceiving. She needs to know that you are equal partners in the journey of becoming and being parents.

Maybe find a way for you both to spend the first few weeks together as a family so that Jessica can also bond immediately with your new baby.

Good luck to you both.

Cath

Yeah, she will be helping with the insemination, going to all the doctor appointments, she is also helping pick out the gear and other things so it's not just me doing it (plus... she's picky about what colors and patterns she wants, lol) and she will cut the cord and be the first to hold it. I think once we are actually pregnant she will feel better about everything. Thank you very much for your advice =D

[Indadhanu]

Shel had similar fears, and even during the pregnancy she worried and worried that Jazz would 'reject' her as mum, or resent her in some way... but as soon as Jazz was born she fell in love!

Theres actually a pic of when Jazz was minutes old on the warming table thing, holding Shel's finger, and thats pretty much been them two summed up! Shel also held Jazz for the two hours after the c/s, doing the skin-skin thing when I was in recovery, which I think was great for bonding.

Theres no question that we are both mums, and when I hear the garage door opening in the afternoon I yell out "Mummy's home" and Jazz gets all excited, her legs kick and she starts laughing, looks at the door just waiting for Shel to walk through, and her eyes just light up as soon as she see's her other mummy!

Of course, possibley try and train your partner in how to make the baby stop crying because thats a pretty big issue for me, Shel just hands her back (but then, thats universal to pretty much all new parents apparently!).

As for names, don't stress. We didn't have Jasmine on our list until the final weeks of the pregnancy, then it came to us and yeah, it was perfect! Our little Jazzy Jazz! So don't worry, you will find one!

[Nats]

I agree - the non-preggers mum should be as involved as possible.

Most lesbian families I know both mums feel just as motherly and equal. I also know a couple where both kids are more attached to the non-bio mum - they just spend a lot of time with her so she's their main caregiver.

Personally I don't think being the bio or non-bio mum matters at all - if the baby is loved and nurtured by both parents from birth you will both be equal for her/him. Biology is just one aspect... Even if you look around you - people you know - I'm sure you'll find kids from all kinds of families who adore their non-bio parents - kids from gay families, adopted kids, kids born from an egg or sperm donation...

[DrGirl72]

Ditto the previous replies. As the non-birth/biological mum to two beautiful children aged 8 and 10 years old I could not feel differently about them if they had grown within me and I had physically birthed them. They are also (for many complicate reasons) much closer to me than their biological/birth mother. We used a known donor, I did the inseminations. With our first child, I was still a student and although he was breastfed until 18 months he was more than happy to take expressed milk from a bottle so he would regularly come with me to uni, tutes etc and this gave his other mum a chance to catch up on some sleep! When our second child was born I was working fulltime so spent less time doing the day to day care but still formed a close and secure relationship with him. Both children were born by emergency LSCS and both times I cut the cord. our first son had to go to NICU (and my parents went with him while I stayed in theatre with my partner). Our sewcond son was able to stay with us and so I (like Shell) held in in theatre and recovery and this was a very special time.

Having said all that, although I hope it has provided some reassurrance to Jessica I think its important for her to continue to express her fears/doubts and if they remain or seem overwhelming perhaps the two of you could talk through the issues with someone prior to conceiving. Good luck, Girldoc