wow glad you offered your opinion "curiousaussie" because it is very rare indeed that we as "lesbians" hear the other side - well done.
if i may offer my opinion;
I have always thought about things from my son's point of view and not from my own from the outset. My son has a known donor and im glad he does - it is important for a child to know who is a biological link to that child and it is important for that child to be able to have access to that relationship if that is mutally agreed or even possible. of course when it is not - the discussion can not be had.
My son at 3.5 years understands who his dad is, and that he has a mum - and significant other's in his life. My ex-partner who i conceived my son with is of course his parent in our opinion however for some reason my son doesn't identify her as Mum and instead refers to her by her first name as well as my current partner whom he currently lives with. in his world he has a mum and a dad as all the other kids at daycare. he just doesn't live with his dad.
the donor does not have a significant decision making power in his life, does not visit regularly or send cards or presents on birthdays or christmas - but is happy to be as involved as is needed when it is needed.
my son identifies the donor as "x my dad" - i haven't corrected this, i haven't encouraged this, i haven't opposed this - simply because i feel it is his right to identify the people in his life as he sees fit and to not be prescribed into thinking who are more important and those who aren't. or that in fact he has a mother that is a lesbian and therefore a dad is out of the question. my sexual preferences are not my son's and i don't want him defined by this.
the donor i used has donated to others - i know from speaking to him that he feels a link with all offspring however for some reason or another he has a stronger relationship with some and not others -perhaps due to the insecurities of others or early mistakes made. im glad i chose a known donor - as my partner's 6 year old (anon donor through a clinic) quite eloquently put it "i know i don't have a dad (my son's name) but can we call x dad too - because we wish we had a dad too".
in my opinion too often we (as a group) make assumptions based on what we think is right - i don't think that this is one area where we have that right. the right belongs to the child, and whilst we as parents bring that child into the world to protect and care for - we can not discount that half of that child's DNA as irrelivant based on our own insecurities.
We used an unknown donor, so obviously I disagree with most of the above comments.
All I have to say is that the agreement MUST be mutual. You just CANNOT lead a man along to think he is going to be a father and then decide you don't want him in the child's life as a father.
In our case, we used an unknown donor who had willing donated sperm knowing that he will not have access or acknowledgement as a 'father' to any child that is created of his sperm. We don't know him. Never met him. Don't know his name. He doesn't know us, never met us etc. That was fine as this is what we wanted, and obviously what wh wanted or he wouldn't have become an unknown donor.
So if he wants to be a part of this child's life, you either have to accept that, or use an unknown donor. It's just not fair if he donates on the understanding that he is going to be a father, and you change the deal and decide he is nothing more than a sperm donor, or 'godfather'. In fact, in that scenario, I'd expect him to take you to court for access or custody.
I think as long as you are honest with all parties and with the child then things will work out. If the donor is unknown, telling the child "I don't know who it is" is telling them the complete truth, which is all our children generally want from us.
Knowing the father and not telling the child is a lie of omission and if the truth ever comes out then I could foresee mother/child relationship problems occurring.
As another poster said, the father's opinion is so important in this too. He may be willing to be a donor, but does he realise that he will have no place in the child's life? Would be still be prepared to be the donor? These details must be straightened out before conception to avoid problems down the track IMHO.
My son is almost three and goes to a regular daycare centre. He wants to know where his daddy is, everyone else at daycare has a daddy so it seems - where is mine? At this point in time I told him his father is in sydney. I have told him numerous other more eloquent but more difficult to understand answers but "my dad is in sydney" is something he can repeat to the other kids when they ask, or when he asks himself. I'd like to know what other mothers and co-parents from lesbian headed families have told their children at different stages of their lives. My son is the result of a one night hetro fling with an old friend who refuses any contact, different to most lesbian parents, but at the end of the day - having two mummies is different to the other kids
I am no expert and certainly not on the subject of kids without a dad as a result of "a one night hetro fling" but for my son - i provided him with the information that he had a donor his name and that he lives in sydney. I then let him come up with his own theory on what that mean't. He has since decided that he is going to call him dad, and his dad x lives in sydney. He has informed all the daycare kids that have asked or quizzed him and i have helped him out when he asks questions. I try not to make a big deal of it or give him too much information to complicate things.
of course things for you are different as your little guy is by your time chart a little younger than mine was - he was about 3 yrs and 3 months when he started to ask specific questions, before then he knew of this infamous donor but hadn't asked for any clarrification. also i have a known donor who is happy for contact when my little guy or i would like it - so that is different to your situation. Perhaps you could tell him that some people have a mum and a dad, some have just a mum or a dad, some have 2 mums, or 2 dads, and that there are lots of different mums and dads. Perhaps you could say that "your dad live in sydney and you may get to meet him one day". I don't know perhaps that isn't posible but it at least may comfort him until his level of understanding is a little more advanced - i.e older.
It is difficult and as i said im only suggesting - but perhaps a child age appropriate book may help on mums and dads that don't live together?? You may not want to sugar coat the situation but i guess you can only say so much. Im guessing that one day you may have to explain the situation in real terms.
From what ive found with my little guy he is happy if i provide some anwsers and can satisfy his questions.
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