So Confused. Thinking about getting pregnant is already causing fights - god help us

[Indadhanu]

But do you really want to bring a child into the world that if you break up your partner is going to have legal rights to for the next 18years????

Actually, thats not legally the case. In fact, even though I *wish* Shel had legal rights to Jazz (YKWIM, like medical etc) she doesn't. Of course, there have been court cases when there judged has granted access and rights to the non-bio mum its not an automatic given.

[briggsy's girl]

i would think, from reading your opening post, that you need to sort out a lot before you consider going through any sort of assisted conception. first and foremost, you need to work out where your relationship stands. given your "partner" is not faithful, is using emotional blackmail on you to get her way (you don't put out enough, so she goes with her ex) - it just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. it sounds like she is trying to manipulate the situation to HER liking - she can sleep around because you don't put out, but you're not allowed to see your "friend" for whatever reason. REALLY not a healthy relationship for YOU let alone any child you want to bring into this world

AC is bloody hard, financially AND emotionally, and not something to enter into lightly. if you choose to go into this as a single woman, so be it - but if you're going into it as a member of a couple, you need to be there to support each other full time. also keep in mind that, as of next year, same sex couples WILL be recognised by the government as couples for the purposes of any payments, which means financially you may be dependent on your partner for finances - could add a lot of strain.

you need to be in a positive and confortable place with your relationship before you add the stress and strain of AC

[Kailani]

Hrmm I'm really confused lol

Are you planning on doing this on your own or as a couple? You talk about who's surnames your child will have so it sounds like you are planning on including your girlfriend. But then you say you never committed to the relationship with your girlfriend and you would prefer to be single. I hope I'm not twisting your words, that's just how I read it and it sounds pretty confusing!

IMO, if an open relationship with your girlfriend is what you want, then obviously it's not a committed one and one that a child should not be brought into. If I were you and there was little chance of stablising and committing to the relationship for the long term, I would end it - from what you've said, she sounds very manipulative and controlling anyway, which is bad enough without a child involved. In other words, I would wait until your relationships are all sorted out before planning on having a child. As you said, you don't want a child in the middle of all that.

I can't help on the IVF front but I'm sure someone will pop in and help you out there.

Good luck

[Heaven]

I agree with the other posters, it seems like you have a lot to sort out before you even contemplate bringing a baby into your life

Also, I really hope that whoever you are sleeping with when you are 'single' knows that you are not using contraception and could fall pregnant. It's not very fair to take the decision to have a child away from someone else. I'm not sure what the situation is but this bit just kinda worried me:

I opened my big mouth and said it was something I was hoping would happen when I was single (I have a male mate that I meet up with occasionally for "that sort of thing"), but being on the infertile side of life, in 2 years, nothing's happened, so I'd pretty much given up on it happening naturally, and that I was going to need some fertility drugs to help me along. And I'm ok with being a single parent and uni student at the same time, call me crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

[aliciah]

I agree with the other posters, it seems like you have a lot to sort out before you even contemplate bringing a baby into your life

Also, I really hope that whoever you are sleeping with when you are 'single' knows that you are not using contraception and could fall pregnant. It's not very fair to take the decision to have a child away from someone else. I'm not sure what the situation is but this bit just kinda worried me:

I'll come back and give a decent reply to everyone who's bothered to post here, because you put in the effort, and you all have valid points, but right now, I don't have the time or privacy to write something worth reading.

But what SaraJane said I feel needs a reply now (and it's also the easiest one to reply to) - yes he does know - he's always known. It's kinda the reason we didn't work as a couple, he wanted kids, and I'm not able to give them to him (as much as I'd like to), it just caused too many problems really, but we've always been really great friends, so now we just get together and talk or for drinks and talking, and if we drink too much and sleep together, neither one of us really cares, and if we don't sleep together, we don't care about that either (and no alcohol isn't the deciding factor most of the time). He's also the only guy I do that with - and have been doing so for the last 2-3 years. But yes, he is well aware of my fertility issues, he also knows about my girlfriend (although that term is getting weaker and weaker - and would outright die if she read this), but we have spoken about it, he knows i'm not on any contraceptive, and while we're not actively trying to get me pregnant, if it happened, he'd happily be father in waiting, so to speak, he'd take an active role, but he's not going to insist we start our relationship again for the 3rd time, and I've promised to make sure he gets a fare share of time and rights with the child, so we've talked and sorted it and are sweet. And I thought all was good.... then I got a Girlfriend. But also to note - we've always been honest with each other when we've had other partners - and we both regularly have screenings to make sure we're not catching and sharing stuff with each other that we don't want. To be honest, our not relationship has been the best relationship I've ever had! that's just wrong, some day's I think I was just meant to be single.

I'll be back later to respond fairly.

Thanks for your replies. I will give a reply to you all as soon as I can.

[briggsy's girl]

given the issues with your girlfriend, i believe you are still going to have to sort some stuff out before you seriously consider children - if for no other reason than to be in a healthy and happy head space yourself. assisted conception is hard work, pregnancy (which i'm only part way into) is no walk in the park! if you're ready to go it solo, so be it, but you have to be in a good head space to survive it

i don't know that, in your circumstances, i'd label myself as having fertility issues. you might have been having unprotected sex with your shag buddy for a couple of years, but if you're not constantly trying, having sex at the right time etc, it might just be that you're missing your fertile window. unfortunately casual sex doesn't always lead to pregnancy.... i'd be querying why you think you have fertility issues - if it's just because of the unprotected sex thing, i think you'd need to re-assess that thought - it's not something that you can expect to happen like that. if there is another reason, then for sure, go and investigate

IF you're going to go the assisted conception route, will your shag buddy provide donor sample for you? getting access to anonymous donor is very difficult...

[Maruschke]

I do agree with the other posters though TTC and assited conception is stressful, even with the most stable of relationships. Are you going to do this as a single person or as a gay couple? Best of luck sorting this all out!

Also, will you need to do counselling before you have donor sperm for the IUI? This sounds like it might be very beneficial for you in your current situation.

HTH and .