So Confused. Thinking about getting pregnant is already causing fights - god help us

[aliciah]

Hi,

Well my partner and I have started thinking about getting pregnant, because I opened my big mouth and said it was something I was hoping would happen when I was single (I have a male mate that I meet up with occasionally for "that sort of thing"), but being on the infertile side of life, in 2 years, nothing's happened, so I'd pretty much given up on it happening naturally, and that I was going to need some fertility drugs to help me along. And I'm ok with being a single parent and uni student at the same time, call me crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

Well... it scares the crap out of my girlfriend.

The only thing we've agreed on is the fact that whoever gives birth, that surname is it (so my kids will have my surname, hers will have her surname).

Everything else... it hasn't really been a discussion... more a bulldozer NO.

There's a long and complicated story here. I tried writing it and it sounded so awful I deleted it. lol.

I'm cluckier than a hen house without a rooster, and so is she.

And while it's fine for her to go shagging her ex (until recently, 2 days ago I got told that was my fault she does it, because I don't put out often enough, so she has to go get rid of her hormones some other way, therefore it's my fault she shags him. WTF?), add in it's now NOT ok for me to keep my casual friend (who also happens to be an ex of mine, we worked well as friends, but we weren't any good as a couple and we tried it twice). So while it was ok for me to have my casual friend, it's not now. But she can still have her ex if I don?t put out ?x? often. (Either I?m going insane, or I have a right to find that a bit wrong)

Oh it should be noted that I never committed to this relationship, I only agreed to it if it was an open relationship - because I pretty much wanted to stay single - she changed the rules this week, I?m still coming to terms with the fact that one day she came out with enough stuff that a relationships counsellor would have a breakdown.

I'm thinking it's probably NOT the best idea to go getting pregnant, and put some poor soul in the middle of our endless catfight (or so it seems at the moment).

But I did say I'd look into ways that didn't require a man to naked in the same room. But a search on "lesbian IVF" in Google, gave me heaps of IVF sites, but for love or money I couldn't fine one that deals with lesbians in Queensland.

I've tried reading over the posts here, but I don't understand all the abbreviations, so I don't really know what anyone's said.

Help would be good if anyone has any to give

Thanks :-)

[Indadhanu]

I'm not exactly sure what sort of advice you're expecting...? I'll be honest... from the sounds of it, I'm not sure if *right now* is the best time to bring a child into your relationship (actually, to be honest, it sounds like the comepletely worst time to do it, but thats just my opinion and I obviously don't know the full story).

Don't really have a lot else to say except sorting out the realtionship(/s) that are going on right now, perhaps seeing a counsellor together, working out what is happening and where you both want to go. I'm not really sure if you mean you want to parent together or separately, but if you are having this much trouble right now I can promise that the tension will only get thicker as you go down the fertility treatment and pregnancy journey.

[Jas]

Hi,

I suppose I'll be honest with my post and hope it doesn't come across rude!

Well I can uderstand the decision to because a single parent when you are obviously not in a committed relationship but I think to be in a relationship that isn't committed just is not going to work in going through assisted conception, pregnancy and the decades of parenting to come.

I think how you said my kids will have my last name and her kids will have her last name it says to me that you aren't interested in having a kids "together" I am not exactly sure on how legal rights come into play here...I'm sure Leasha would be able to tell you and she's in qld too. But do you really want to bring a child into the world that if you break up your partner is going to have legal rights to for the next 18years????

I think at this point it is probably questionable how long this relationship will last and if you both even really want to be together? So in my opinion I would definitely be thinking about sorting it out first before having kids together is considered. JMO

[Indadhanu]

But do you really want to bring a child into the world that if you break up your partner is going to have legal rights to for the next 18years????

Actually, thats not legally the case. In fact, even though I *wish* Shel had legal rights to Jazz (YKWIM, like medical etc) she doesn't. Of course, there have been court cases when there judged has granted access and rights to the non-bio mum its not an automatic given.

[briggsy's girl]

i would think, from reading your opening post, that you need to sort out a lot before you consider going through any sort of assisted conception. first and foremost, you need to work out where your relationship stands. given your "partner" is not faithful, is using emotional blackmail on you to get her way (you don't put out enough, so she goes with her ex) - it just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. it sounds like she is trying to manipulate the situation to HER liking - she can sleep around because you don't put out, but you're not allowed to see your "friend" for whatever reason. REALLY not a healthy relationship for YOU let alone any child you want to bring into this world

AC is bloody hard, financially AND emotionally, and not something to enter into lightly. if you choose to go into this as a single woman, so be it - but if you're going into it as a member of a couple, you need to be there to support each other full time. also keep in mind that, as of next year, same sex couples WILL be recognised by the government as couples for the purposes of any payments, which means financially you may be dependent on your partner for finances - could add a lot of strain.

you need to be in a positive and confortable place with your relationship before you add the stress and strain of AC

[Kailani]

Hrmm I'm really confused lol

Are you planning on doing this on your own or as a couple? You talk about who's surnames your child will have so it sounds like you are planning on including your girlfriend. But then you say you never committed to the relationship with your girlfriend and you would prefer to be single. I hope I'm not twisting your words, that's just how I read it and it sounds pretty confusing!

IMO, if an open relationship with your girlfriend is what you want, then obviously it's not a committed one and one that a child should not be brought into. If I were you and there was little chance of stablising and committing to the relationship for the long term, I would end it - from what you've said, she sounds very manipulative and controlling anyway, which is bad enough without a child involved. In other words, I would wait until your relationships are all sorted out before planning on having a child. As you said, you don't want a child in the middle of all that.

I can't help on the IVF front but I'm sure someone will pop in and help you out there.

Good luck

[Heaven]

I agree with the other posters, it seems like you have a lot to sort out before you even contemplate bringing a baby into your life

Also, I really hope that whoever you are sleeping with when you are 'single' knows that you are not using contraception and could fall pregnant. It's not very fair to take the decision to have a child away from someone else. I'm not sure what the situation is but this bit just kinda worried me:

I opened my big mouth and said it was something I was hoping would happen when I was single (I have a male mate that I meet up with occasionally for "that sort of thing"), but being on the infertile side of life, in 2 years, nothing's happened, so I'd pretty much given up on it happening naturally, and that I was going to need some fertility drugs to help me along. And I'm ok with being a single parent and uni student at the same time, call me crazy, but that doesn't scare me.

[Maruschke]

I do agree with the other posters though TTC and assited conception is stressful, even with the most stable of relationships. Are you going to do this as a single person or as a gay couple? Best of luck sorting this all out!

Also, will you need to do counselling before you have donor sperm for the IUI? This sounds like it might be very beneficial for you in your current situation.

HTH and .

[aliciah]

I agree with the other posters, it seems like you have a lot to sort out before you even contemplate bringing a baby into your life

Also, I really hope that whoever you are sleeping with when you are 'single' knows that you are not using contraception and could fall pregnant. It's not very fair to take the decision to have a child away from someone else. I'm not sure what the situation is but this bit just kinda worried me:

I'll come back and give a decent reply to everyone who's bothered to post here, because you put in the effort, and you all have valid points, but right now, I don't have the time or privacy to write something worth reading.

But what SaraJane said I feel needs a reply now (and it's also the easiest one to reply to) - yes he does know - he's always known. It's kinda the reason we didn't work as a couple, he wanted kids, and I'm not able to give them to him (as much as I'd like to), it just caused too many problems really, but we've always been really great friends, so now we just get together and talk or for drinks and talking, and if we drink too much and sleep together, neither one of us really cares, and if we don't sleep together, we don't care about that either (and no alcohol isn't the deciding factor most of the time). He's also the only guy I do that with - and have been doing so for the last 2-3 years. But yes, he is well aware of my fertility issues, he also knows about my girlfriend (although that term is getting weaker and weaker - and would outright die if she read this), but we have spoken about it, he knows i'm not on any contraceptive, and while we're not actively trying to get me pregnant, if it happened, he'd happily be father in waiting, so to speak, he'd take an active role, but he's not going to insist we start our relationship again for the 3rd time, and I've promised to make sure he gets a fare share of time and rights with the child, so we've talked and sorted it and are sweet. And I thought all was good.... then I got a Girlfriend. But also to note - we've always been honest with each other when we've had other partners - and we both regularly have screenings to make sure we're not catching and sharing stuff with each other that we don't want. To be honest, our not relationship has been the best relationship I've ever had! that's just wrong, some day's I think I was just meant to be single.

I'll be back later to respond fairly.

Thanks for your replies. I will give a reply to you all as soon as I can.

[briggsy's girl]

given the issues with your girlfriend, i believe you are still going to have to sort some stuff out before you seriously consider children - if for no other reason than to be in a healthy and happy head space yourself. assisted conception is hard work, pregnancy (which i'm only part way into) is no walk in the park! if you're ready to go it solo, so be it, but you have to be in a good head space to survive it

i don't know that, in your circumstances, i'd label myself as having fertility issues. you might have been having unprotected sex with your shag buddy for a couple of years, but if you're not constantly trying, having sex at the right time etc, it might just be that you're missing your fertile window. unfortunately casual sex doesn't always lead to pregnancy.... i'd be querying why you think you have fertility issues - if it's just because of the unprotected sex thing, i think you'd need to re-assess that thought - it's not something that you can expect to happen like that. if there is another reason, then for sure, go and investigate

IF you're going to go the assisted conception route, will your shag buddy provide donor sample for you? getting access to anonymous donor is very difficult...

[snazza_oz]

This sounds like an awfully messy and complicated situation.
You may be clucky, and i know the feeling.. Every part of you body is screaming to have a baby, you hear a child crying and its like music to your ears - well it is like that for me anyway... But in all honesty, your situation does not sound like a healthy one to bring a baby into. And the fact that you are even considering that is sad.

I consider myself fairly young, 22 years old to be exact, yet i consider myself fairly mature.. You need to address the issue, are you and the people around you mature enough? Responsible enough?

Like someone said before, can you financially and emotionally support the child, or is it going to grow up surrounded by nasty love triangles and custody battles..


Oh and Goodluck.

[aliciah]

I"m not looking to get pregnant now or anytime soon. I know I need IVF (male or female partners, I've known i've been infertile since I was 19 - thanks to some rather expensive specialists, and also had that confirmed again when I was 25 *I was hopeful my body was just slow devloping* but I am barren - oh and I have a broken spine, so my reproduction ability is rather limited) I may be one of the cluckiest people on the planet, but I've had almost 10 years to get used to the idea I can't have kids - and i've lost partners because of it. I have a beautiful neice, and soon i'll have another, they are enough for me at the moment.

What I asked for was not relationship advice. I have a councellor for that. What I asked for was information. And I really doubt that from me reading it to me getting knocked up is going to take a whole lot longer than it has for me to write this post. And the same with her, I don't think that it's going to be an easy thing for her either - one of the IVF sites I did look at said it took 6-12 months for a sucessful pregnancy to start in healthy hetrosexual couples. I expect it'll be harder for us.

I am just looking for information, not insults.



To everyone else who's actually been polite, I thank you for your concern and interest in my relationship, and I was going to reply to you each personally (which would have made the post huge I know), I'm sorry I haven't addressed the questions you asked of me.

Yes I had a merry old moan about my girlfriend in that post - but I didn't paint myself in pretty colours either, I know i'm not perfect, but i've seen a whole lot of people who are worse than me.

As I said, I wasn't actually after relationship advice, but I appreciate the fact that you all cared enough to comment on it. - most of you anyway. Thanks


But I will ask again. Does anyone one know where I can ACCESS INFORMATION about lesbian IVF or other available options. All I want at this point is information. I want to be educated on the topic, not an ignorant slab that can just get picked on.

(oh and FYI, this is my first lesbian relationship, so I really don't know that much at all ok, so please excuse my ignorance on some topics)

Thank you again to everyone who posted nice things

[Phteven]

I have just deleted a number of posts from this thread. BellyBelly prides itself on being a supportive community. This means that if you don't agree with someone's choices you either don't post or express your disagreement in a tactful manner. Please remember that flaming is against the forum guidelines and will be met with infractions.

[Indadhanu]

Alicia,

Your best bet is to contact the fertility clinics themselves, as each clinic does things a little differently. All in all though the process for straight and lesbian couples going through fertility treatment is essentially the same, so the reason you can't find any specific information is that there really isn't any. If you wish to use a sperm donor then most clinics have information like that on their websites, it usually refers to straight couples but like i said the process is the same. If you find a clinic that does things differently for lesbian couples then I'd reconsider using that clinic because to be honest theres no reason for it to be any different (for example one clinic wanted us to have a waiting period of 6 months, but i rang back a few days later and pretended to be in a straight relationship needed a sperm donor and no waiting period...).

[briggsy's girl]

i agree with Leasha - contact the clinics directly. you'll need to meet with a GP or gyne to get a referral to the clinic - at that point, they should be able to confirm your diagnosis. you've not mentioned what that diagnosis is, but the diagnosis can make a huge difference to what sort of treatment you're need. Leasha and i both have PCOS - so are technically "subfertile" not infertile - we can ovulate just need a bit of extra help to get there! if your diagnosis is something like this, you may only require IUI (insemination - with help to ovulate) as opposed to full IVF.

either path is going to be emotionally, physically, and financially draining. i would speak to a gp first about what options you have, and get them to refer you to a fertility clinic. check out their websites about sperm donors etc. something to keep in mind - sperm donors are few and far between if you get an Au donor - not sure about buying in sperm from overseas - so there can be a significant wait to access donor sperm. policy will also vary from state to state, clinic to clinic. do your research, contact the clinics and talk to them about your circumstances - they're generally pretty open about costs and associated processes.