Aware Parenting????

[bronners]

And what I was reading about this aware parenting stuff was that they don't let them do that.

From what I can gather, you're right Heaven. I don't mind some of the aware parenting stuff, but in a recent edition of Kindred mag there was a really contentious article about raising drug free kids which implied that comfort sucking/breastfeeding to sleep would lead to problems in latter life, in particular alcohol use when upset. it was ridiculous and parents and professionals wrote in saying this was wrong and misguided. Basically disregarded the importance of non-nutritive sucking. Not sure if I am allowed to post links but the article is on the kindred website and letter responses under letters issue 28.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

It's not working here. DS cries and if he doesn't calm down when he sees me, I will hold him, stroke him, tell him he's OK and to tell me about it, to let it all out... still doesn't sleep through by a long shot.

See, told you I'd tried everything short of torture!

[BabyMama]

this is an interesting article. one point it raises reminds me of some training i've done that makes an important distinction between comforting and ignoring feelings. i think it's ok (good?) to comfort a crying baby. there's that other side though where a bub might be hurt or for whatever reason be upset and the parent picks up the child with a big smile and the 'you're ok, get on with it' attitude that doesn't acknowledge the child's feelings.

i think bubs and kids need help from an adult to 'work through' strong emotions like separation/pain/anger/fear and for me, this means being held (or at least some kind of physical contact). i also think it's our role as parents to help kids express their emotions and stresses by teaching them the language of these feelings and showing in our body language/facial expressions/verbal tone that we empathise with them.

i guess it all depends on our definitions of comfort too. some might say that holding a crying child is comfort.

just my two cents

[rubibaby]

i am glad i am able to comfort feed my baby when i know he needs it. only last night ds2 woke up at 11pm after going to bed at 7.30pm. i chose to comfort feed him to help him back to sleep. he would usually sleep a lot longer and not wake for a feed until 2, 3 or 4am, but in this case he was clearly uncomfortable and something was bothering him. i offered him a comfort suckle and he was back in dreamland in minutes. i certainly prefer to do this than leave him to cry/whine it out.

[Heaven]

I was just looking at the BB online store and there's actually a book there on this.

[Sammiejane]

Like many of the PP i used a similar method when we cut out a night feed (not bedtime).
Often MJ will cry in bed and not wantto be touched, but want me there, other times she will want stoking or patting. She lets me know by either pushing my hand away or pulling it up.
She has a toy with her that again she may or may not use as a comforter.

Over the last few months she has changed the way that she settles, often she will cry going to sleep, want me there but nothing else. if i try and soothe her, it make matters worse. DH has commented that its almost like she needs to cry.

I guess from my POV i think they are saying that rocking/shushing/patting a baby that doesnt want to have these things (because you want to settle them) doesnt help - dont get me wrong have spend many a night rocking and patting and shushing and singing - but somtimes it seemed hopeless.

Like Sam, reading this was like a lightbulb for many of the nights, MJ will still feed to sleep some night others she wont (maybe if we are looking at this style of parenting, she doenst need to cry)

I also agree totally with Willows points, crying is not negative, it is the only method that our babies have to communicate with us.... I was a big fan of the Dunstan Baby Language, it worked incredibly for us and as a result i was able to understand what MJ wanted and feed her only when she was hungry. Learning what her crys meant in the early days meant that she didnt get to a hysterical stage, but was able to cry and let us know what she needed.

I think that it is so hard (for me anyway) to actually pin point a style of parenting that i follow - mine is My way, i follow what i think she needs, if it feels right and it works, well then thats what we do... if it doesnt feel right we dont do it and if it doesnt work, we dont try it again....

there is no instruction manual, and even if there was MJ cant read it so she doenst know what this book says!!!

Very interesting article thanks

[chel]

My first impression was its a very long article! but I did my best to read the most of it!

I think it raises interesting points - some things I agree with, some I dont, but overall its a bit of food for thought.

How I personally think of crying is simply if Jasper had the words and emotional strength to tell me whats wrong, he would, but he cant, so he cries. If I was totally dependant and defenseless, I'd probably cry if I was hungry, tired, cold, hot, uncomfortable, bored, worried, feeling ignored, feeling overwhelmed, and whatever else might be going on for my little boy. I do my best to offer him the space to express himself (like I avoid giving him a dummy or shushing him, my language is more like "oh, baby, whats wrong? you sound upset" it sounds a bit weird, but I think asking him whats wrong calms me down which calms him down) and also give him love and comfort if he wants it.

And sometimes I just put on "the wiggles" throw a dummy in his mouth and collapse on the couch with exhaustion!

[anney]

Hi girls, I have two books on Aware Parenting by Aletha Solter sitting here waiting to be taken to the op. shop. I am happy to post them to someone if you want to do some more reading on the subject. They are quite an easy read and it is interesting to read this even if you don't end up following it. Just let me know if anyone wants them.

[paradise lost]

I totally did this!

Rather than being excited about the philosophy, i did it because if it's 3am ad the baby is screaming, won't feed, isn't wet, won't go to sleep and screams louder and with more distress if you rock/pat/jiggle there's nothing else TO do. It "worked" - she eventually slept, but probably she would have if i'd successfully forced a nipple in her mouth or left the room too, i did what i could live with. Don't we all?

DD also went through a period between 6 weeks and about 10 or 11 weeks of shrieking for 2-2.5 hours every evening between teatime and bedtime. Nothing helped. She literally SCREAMED and nothing we did made any difference. It was as if we weren't even there when it happened, no matter what we did, she looked past us and screeched. We tried rocking, walking, feeding, dummies, "magic finger" (a clean pinky fingr to suck), patting, singing, just holding, you name it (i once left her for 2 minutes but couldn't hack it and went back in). Eventually she would calm down enough to eat, and then she slept until she next was hungry. Nothing i did made any difference. When i felt able i did something to try to calm her, when i wasn't i sat and held and shhhhh'd her and either way, just before the 8pm feed she began to calm down and look for the boob.

It does make me laugh to read of parents who can't let their baby cry - if yor baby wants to cry for crying's sake you cannot stop it. If your baby stops crying in response to comfort then it was crying FOR comfort.

Bx

PS Ryn, try torture!!! (j/k )

[Sammiejane]

Anney - do you still have the book?
I am interested in having a look
Thanks