Can I bag out other sites??

[Bathsheba]

Interesting thread.

Generally, when i seek advice I am more likley to heed it if the person giving it, or the "expert" prefaces it with "trust your OWN instincts but you might like to try.....". I think the thing that is missing in some other sites is the reinforcing of the message that we need to and can trust our instincts when it comes to being mothers and parents. I examine advice and think to myself: "is this aimed at helping the parent or the child?" Which way is it weighted? To me a lot of advice these days leans toward improving the convenience-factor for the parent. Just a general observation. Regarding the eye-contact thing: great posts Hoobley I agree that what is right for a newborn is not necessarily right for an adult and visa versa. I tend to settle my babies in dark quiet rooms while BF or with their heads snuggled up into the curve of my neck or in bed with me or wearing them in a carrier. In those positions it's not easy to make eye contact anyhow. If my baby is crying then I often hold them close with them against my shoulder... patting their backs and rocking... with them facing the other way... not conducive to eye contact. I don't deliberatley avoid it... but it doesn't come naturally for me to follow their gaze during settling times... mainly because it's too dark! But that's just me. And all i'd suggest is to just do what feels right. Sure read advice and take on board what you think might help... but at the end of the day I think, you're more likely to have success if you trust in your own intuition. Children, especially babies, pick up on a sense of confidence within you... if you cultivate that then that alone will be soothing.

[Phteven]

Ren, I wasn't suggesting that you were trying to bag out other Mums and I know that you only posted with the best of intentions.
I only posted in a pre-empive way. There was no agenda or sub-text in my post; I just wanted to remind everyone that it's easy to slip over the line from dissing the people who hand out the crazy to advice to dissing the Mums who follow it. I did so in the hopes that no-one would go there not to suggest that anyone was doing so already.

[sushee]

Sorry OT

Bec, I can't say in any of the articles I've read directly relating to attachment theory, that 'sentimental' parenting was a variable. Of course I haven't read everything published on the subject, but just within the scope of my searches on 'attachment' or 'attachment theory', I can't say I've ever seen it come up.

But I'm keen to add new dimensions to my reading, so if you could point me in the direction of the articles/book/journals where sentimental parenting relates to attachment theory, I'd be grateful. The more I read on the subject, the more my understanding grows, and that can only mean good things, esp with regards to my study.

Back to topic, I agree that part of the problem is the attitude of 'you must' do something. Healthy debate on parenting is a great thing, it makes you look at all sides of the picture. But in the end, you're the parent, and whether publicly declaring it or not, you're going to do what works for you. The best you can do is ensure that you have the knowledge to make the best decision for your baby.

Bath, I agree with you that rocking and carrying your baby over your shoulder are natural things to do, and in the dark it's not easy to make eye contact, but I think it's the un-naturalness of saying you shouldn't make eye contact at all at night that doesn't sit well with me (and I assume it's what the topic was about to begin with), and the instructional way it's given out to all and sundry without deference to the differences within families and children. It's not a natural thing to do for me, and tbh not following such a 'rule' worked for my family, not just Charlie but for all my kids.

And therein lies my point, I can't not look at my child, and I don't get the whole 'avoid eye contact' thing, and if I were a new parent and read that webpage, I may have thought I was doing something wrong, and behaved in a way that was contrary to my natural instincts.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is a lot of information out there, not all good, and a lot of it feeds off the insecurities of the parent. As parents though, we must feel empowered to make our choices and believe in them. When you do, no one will be able to tell you you're doing it wrong, because you will know you've done what was best for your family. For Bec, one way worked, and for me, another way worked, and that's the way it should be, because we have different children, cultures, lives. All the opposing sides should be seen as a way to inform yourself, and if we all could take these 'musts' and see them for what they are, which is advice, sometimes based on science, sometimes based on experience, sometimes based on selling a product, and weigh them for ourselves, then we're making the best possible decision each time.