Coping with the negativity

[maz]

Im off to Melbourne this weekend....I should be happy to be going..have a break with J man and the amigo's but I know our parenting will be put under the microscope as J man's brother, wife and 3 children will also be there.

We believe in allowing our children to lead the way for themselves...eg I never times my childrens feed's as babies, I let them tell me. We allow them to choose thier clothing as they are the one's who have to wear it, we speak our mind in our house...if something bothers them we are open enough to say what it is and how to fix it together. I like letting my children explore whats around them...eg if we are at the beach and they get wet so be it and if they want to crawl into our bed and sleep cuddled into us then im more then happy to snuggle

BIL well more wife clock work feed's her babies....no messy hands....everything sterile and disposable (doesnt help that BIL is a nurse). No I see the 'looks' when we get our cloth out...I never say YOU SHOULD USE THEM. NEVER! I keep my parenting choices to myself. I like to have my babies close so have had a few carriers over the years...yes more looks. I know that when bedtime comes....Mini me and Tank will freak and I'll be cuddling with them to hear whispers.

It makes me so sad and depressed I get told all the time what I should be doing....get questioned if I ask or try to disipline my children in my why what they have done wrong infront of them (a big no no for J man and me). I get told what medicine to shove down their throats and petrolyem based nappy rash cream to use when Im not interested yet I am the arse if I stand up and say dont make me feel bad.

One SIL is pg with her first and is a pead's nurse so as soon as you mention something she knows exactly what your takking about and how to fix it and proceed's to tell ME how I should be doing things

How do you deal with the narkyness? The non support...I really feel very heavy hearted atm....

[BekZ]

Awe Maz I feel for you. You can't control what they think is the "right" way, the only thing you can do is to be comfortable in your own way and happy with your decisions. In the long run if you are happy then who gives 2 hoots about what anyone else thinks?

If anyone questions me or challenges me I simply tell them that parenting has many ways and I am doing what is right for MY family...but thank you very much for your point of view

[Mak]

Having a similiar day here Maz - it can be really hard.
Remember you are the expert in your kids and do a great job. TBH I have given up trying to explain to people who are not really interested....and tend to keep quiet about things unless pushed. xxxxxxx

[maz]

I think what gets to me the most are the looks and the questioning. Im proud no end of how my children are..and how much I have grown as a parent (I was such a cow 4 years ago in comparison) I really find it unnerving

I can just hear the tut's and the YOU DONT NEED THAT THING when Mini me get's her dummy out for bed time either.

ahhhhhh no wonder I stay home thanks guys

[BekZ]

Maz - When you get those looks remember that they are not walking a mile in your shoes and that they don't have the intelligence to realize that not everyone does it the same way as them

[Mrs Shrek]

Maz I feel your pain. I don't get why people look at us "hippies" strangely though. Everything you've described about how you parent, sounds logical and sensible and gentle and loving. That's kinda how I deal with this stuff - I look at the mainstreamers like they're the ones being weirdos and if I'm questioned about stuff I turn it around on them and question them. e.g. "Are you STILL feeding him????" me: "... *puzzled look* uh, yeah - he's only 3!!!" then I roll my eyes.


Seriously though, I know it's hard when your values are questioned. It's so much more difficult to swim against the tide. Gentle and thoughtful parenting takes so much strength sometimes, not just in the actual parenting but in the justifying and the explaining to other people. We have to be really thick-skinned and really confident in the way we do things.

Good luck hun you'll be right. One strategy I have learnt for growing a thick skin is to visualise a force-field around you, with their looks and comments bouncing right off. Big hugs to you xoxo

[LionsandBears]

Can you get a t-shirt that says "I have no tolerance for judgemental know-it-alls."

Sounds like they've got a lot of time on their hands to be worrying about how you raise your kids. Do they purse their lips like cats' bums too? If the kids are not running around someone's house screaming and jumping on the furniture and are well behaved and respectful, then who cares what someone's parenting choices are?

What concerns you the most? What someone thinks of you? Or that they're small-minded idiots who haven't grown out of whispering about some other kid in the classroom? That they feel free to make comments about your parenting style while you bite your tongue? That you don't have a good come back for their comments?

I know it's uncomfortable to deal with, but you know you're doing the right thing and your kids are well loved and happy. When you hear them whispering on the other side of the wall, stick your tongue out and give them the birdie. Don't pretend to smile at them while they judge you. Just do your thing and feel how proud you are of your kids and yourself as a Mum. And have a big drink or choccie to reward yourself when you get home.

Meanwhile, when someone buts in with free advice, ask them to please keep their opinions to themselves, you're not interested. Let's agree to disagree is always a good one. Or just give them the death-stare. I'm not in your situation yet, but I've always been good at the death-stare - pretty effective whenever someone oversteps the line

[Arimeh]

I can just hear the tut's and the YOU DONT NEED THAT THING when Mini me get's her dummy out for bed time either.

Ahhh yes I got a lot of that before DS had given up his dummy - when he was ready to! If it had been more trouble than it was, I wouldn't have made him give it up, so obviously he was ready to get rid of it!!

Then you've got the toilet training bizzo... crying themselves to sleep bizzo.. ahhh.. its wonderful having your parenting style under the microscope isn't it?

Come visit me instead

[maz]

Yes im the family hippy..the crazy SIL who makes her kids wear those cloth nappies and eat what they like, the one who has the piercings and is a SAHM who doesnt work stupid hours like them

I know...I know FIL is going to pick on the fact that Tank isnt talking yet, that Mini me doesnt want a bar of him and that Dudie and Mario are free spirits.

Flying to Tassie is looking might good right about now Mel

[Arimeh]

Flying to Tassie is looking might good right about now Mel

Wooooot! I'd love to see you! I won't give you any crap at all either teeheeehee

[CrazyLady]

Yes im the family hippy..the crazy SIL who makes her kids wear those cloth nappies and eat what they like, the one who has the piercings and is a SAHM who doesnt work stupid hours like them

I swear that's what MIL thinks of me. at the end of the day i really don't care. A lot of those "clinical" parenting techniques are so hard and cold. Children shouldn't be made to fit into lives and schedules.

[Jennifer13]

Maz. Don't they appreciate how scary you are??? I know no one on BB would question your parenting methods - who do they think they are?

I'd look at them like they had grown another head if they suggested something that was at odds with what you practiced. "You think I should do WHAT? You've got to be joking, haven't you heard ... is harmful to/not good for/etc children because of ...?"

[CinderToriella]

Maz i hear u and feel for u.

It is so hard dealing with and trying to cope with other ppls opinions being shoved in front of u all the time and its there way or the high way

I still dont know how to handle these situations myself so i cant advise u only say i understand the frustration and how uncomfotable it is

[Nettie]

They would completely choke if they knew how respected and revered you are on this forum! Kinda makes me laugh on the inside.

It's like someone telling Stephen Hawkings that the only reason he's in a wheelchair is because he's too dumb to walk Pffft! I just can't fathom someone telling YOU that you don't know about parenting.

Sheesh - I wish I had you on tap for advice and to learn from... they just don't know what they've got!

That force feed would have made me cry too... poor bubba.

And I think a lot of adults would learn a lot about life and what's important if they chucked away their PDA and/or phone for 5 minutes and played with the kids on the floor...

Right... off my soapbox now - and back over to you, Maz! sorry, kinda got carried away there...

[CrazyLady]

Maz, this thread must have got me fired up. I got one of the "you're making a rod for your own back" comments today because i seem to take the less "main stream" route. This lady's youngest child is 24 might I add. I gave her a piece of my mind and she retracted her statements and changed topic quick smart.

Needless to say I think she'll think twice next time she wants to comment

[maz]

thank you all..really I feel so lost atm with the lot of them

Little up date on my baby niece , the one that was force feed on the cold back verandah

Sunday night my Inlaw's called the doctor to come to their house as she wouldnt settle down and is now quiet sick if a bad cold I so wonder why.

It really does break my heart.....I wish I would have said please take her inside out of the cold...why didnt I do it

FIL rang us J man TUESDAY afternoon to see if we got home alright on sunday and to inform us on the above. Just another thing to upset us again.

CL - I need to learn from you hon...I really need to speak up more.

[widdly]

poor baby girl Its not your fault though Maz, I mean think about, they wouldn't have listened even if you did tell them to take her inside.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

Im sorry i have only just seen this thread

Im glad you spoke up abit on your weekend. They have NO right to judge u as a parent. I have seen you kids (the little 2 atleast) and they are the most gorgeous and relaxed children. Mia was drawn to them straight away (which i was suprised about as she doesnt do that alot to other ppl) which just shows how fantastic they are. Your a great mum and dont ever let people look down on you. I know its easy for me to say.. especially when i dont do it myself. My SIL is preg atm and I have to sit through comments of " The baby WILL feed every 4 hours and stop overnight feeds in the first week". Its heart renching to know that. I havent been able to get it out of my head. I wanted to cry for that poor baby and its not even born yet Same person that says " im not breastfeeding a baby every hour when i can formula feed every 4 hours" wtf... I dont even know what to say to that. I get shut down by DF's family all the time. " why r u doing that?" "why cant she have a tim tam?" "babies get cravings for KFC too" (yes they actually said this!) and when i tell them something about Mia i get the hesitant.. "ahhh ok" grrrrrr. I too need to learn to tell them where to go.

Ok.. so that kind of turned into a little vent for me... back to topic..

Your wonderful and your family is wonderful! Dont let them make u think otherwise. mwah xox