OK, I need some advice about my parents!

As some of you may know, I don't always see eye to eye with my parents and their methods of treating me as though they always know best, but this is really annoying me now. (I did tell my mum off a couple of weeks back for it, but she just laughed and ignored me.)

After telling me that they'd be visiting me in February (I'm sure I should have some choice in this...) I said, OK, for my birthday. Now my mum has said she wants my baby to be born late so we share a birthday so she's here on my birthday for the baby - and she's quitting her job to spend "loads of time" with me. I said that if the baby was that late then she'd not be visiting until March ("Why? What are you doing that's so special?") and she started going on that my EDD was 10.02 (because she's told everyone it is) and I said no, that's when hers was with me, mine is early Feb and I'm not giving a date. To anyone. Well, let's face it, she's telling all her friends and random strangers in shops that I'm pregnant, I don't want people knowing my EDD and calling me up 2 days later to ask where the baby is. She's already told people a lie, why should I tell her the truth when I want it kept secret?

So she's now upset with me and has to go, ten seconds later the phone call has ended. I'm just so annoyed - I want her to visit when the baby is 2-3 weeks old for 2-3 days. I know that's mean and she wants more, but I can't take more than a weekend of her and am always glad to see the back of her. She wants to come down the day after and stay for a month or so. I know it will sound awful but NO BLINKING WAY is she doing that. How can I tell her without shouting? She just goes quiet and ignores it when I tell her she's not coming down straight away.

She also asked about my holiday, but kept interrupting and only heard about the first week before telling me it sounded nice and started talking about something else. So another grump about that. Unless I just say she can come down for my birthday (a Wednesday) and stay until the Saturday. In a hotel. But then if Liebling is only a few days old then she's very much not welcome. Oh, that's just mean, but I'm sure there are other girls here who know what I mean! And she also tells me about the 4-5 other babies she knows that have recently been born, which is nice, but I want my baby to be special and it just seems like it's just another baby to knit for right now. Well, a baby she has to knit for and can demand to hold etc. Not that I want her anywhere near us right now!

So how do I tell her to back off, she's not welcome? And in a nice way, if possible?

Yes, I am considering telling her the baby's arrived 3 years later...