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Thread: Dealing with pushy parents

  1. #1

    Angry Dealing with pushy parents

    OK, I need some advice about my parents!

    As some of you may know, I don't always see eye to eye with my parents and their methods of treating me as though they always know best, but this is really annoying me now. (I did tell my mum off a couple of weeks back for it, but she just laughed and ignored me.)

    After telling me that they'd be visiting me in February (I'm sure I should have some choice in this...) I said, OK, for my birthday. Now my mum has said she wants my baby to be born late so we share a birthday so she's here on my birthday for the baby - and she's quitting her job to spend "loads of time" with me. I said that if the baby was that late then she'd not be visiting until March ("Why? What are you doing that's so special?") and she started going on that my EDD was 10.02 (because she's told everyone it is) and I said no, that's when hers was with me, mine is early Feb and I'm not giving a date. To anyone. Well, let's face it, she's telling all her friends and random strangers in shops that I'm pregnant, I don't want people knowing my EDD and calling me up 2 days later to ask where the baby is. She's already told people a lie, why should I tell her the truth when I want it kept secret?



    So she's now upset with me and has to go, ten seconds later the phone call has ended. I'm just so annoyed - I want her to visit when the baby is 2-3 weeks old for 2-3 days. I know that's mean and she wants more, but I can't take more than a weekend of her and am always glad to see the back of her. She wants to come down the day after and stay for a month or so. I know it will sound awful but NO BLINKING WAY is she doing that. How can I tell her without shouting? She just goes quiet and ignores it when I tell her she's not coming down straight away.

    She also asked about my holiday, but kept interrupting and only heard about the first week before telling me it sounded nice and started talking about something else. So another grump about that. Unless I just say she can come down for my birthday (a Wednesday) and stay until the Saturday. In a hotel. But then if Liebling is only a few days old then she's very much not welcome. Oh, that's just mean, but I'm sure there are other girls here who know what I mean! And she also tells me about the 4-5 other babies she knows that have recently been born, which is nice, but I want my baby to be special and it just seems like it's just another baby to knit for right now. Well, a baby she has to knit for and can demand to hold etc. Not that I want her anywhere near us right now!

    So how do I tell her to back off, she's not welcome? And in a nice way, if possible?

    Yes, I am considering telling her the baby's arrived 3 years later...

  2. #2

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    Tanya, I love that picture of Lucas, he looks so cute! Thanks for the advice, but I moved about 300 miles away from my mum (wonder why) so she wants to stay for ages and ages. She's also not an internet person and I've already told her 5-6 times the baby is NOT due on the 10th, but she still keeps telling me it is. As I don't want her to know any details about the baby (other than I'm having one in Feb, these are the scans, I now have a bump) I'm happy about her not being net-happy.

    DH's parents are fine, although if they visit in the first week I'll tell DH to tell them that Liebling and I are sleeping if we're not up to it, so they can come on day 8 for an hour or so. I'm fine with that. Just not my parents.

    Ah well, there's always the chance Liebling will come early and I can just not call my mum for 2 weeks. That is looking like my best option, either that or I have a 2-week space in which I can e-mail my dad when my mum isn't with him and spell it all out to him. Or maybe call him when my mum's out, but that's harder, and it will only lead to shouting and upsets. Or I could make a seperate website with only the information on I want my parents to have and give them that address, that is a very good idea, thanks! I'm sure my mum will look at it if I send her the link enough times.

    I can see my mum being like your mum and MiL (they sound ghastly! - I've read some of your other posts) so I'm happy I have at least a good MiL. I just don't fancy mum, dad and sis having a go at me for not playing pass the parcel with Liebling and upsetting THEM by not being all bright and happy to see them.

  3. #3

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    Well, I've just set up my website - The Smith Family - so hope they get the idea! I've said my mum can give it to her friends (so they get the right information - but didn't say that to her!). The plus side is that it has photos and videos on so my mum can show her friends my scans and things. My mum already complains that I upset her with my bluntness, but DH is too scared to contradict her, although he hates her long visits and inviting herself down. Maybe I can wheedle him into saying something.

    Last visit I kept telling her we had no spare bed, but she didn't want to listen, didn't bring an airbed so had to sleep on loads of cushions! I hope we can work something out soon! At least she's already said she'll stay at a hotel when Liebling's born, I just hope she keeps to it. Both MiL and SiL have said she can stay with them, but mum doesn't like that idea (phew - I would feel so sorry for DH's relatives if she did stay with them!).

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Western Sydney
    Posts
    253

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    Ryn, I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice, but Tulip's advice is excellent. I think I'll be going through something very similar (when the time hopefully comes!) but with my MIL. Just wanted to say love your website too!

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    in a land of screaming kids.
    Posts
    1,802

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    Rhyn, you could always allow her to keep believing the due date is the 10th Feb and if bubs comes earlier than that just not tell her!?

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Forestville NSW
    Posts
    8,944

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    My Mum was pretty upset when we told her that this time she could not be here when this baby is due. We said we needed 2 weeks of family time and then visitors are welcome ONLY if they came to help & be enlisted doing things. No I was not going to leave a list of what needed doing, people only need to look around & see for themselves that the dishes need washing, clothes need hanging out and dinner needs to be cooked. So if people want to visit, pull those sleeves up & get to work. As far as friends we put a 2 week ban on visitors after Matilda was born & had a drop off box for meals .

  7. #7

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    I did tell my mum a few weeks back that I'd love her to visit after 2 weeks, when DH was back at work, so she could help. I did know at the time that she would just stress me out and not help at all, but at least it put her off for 2 weeks! She did go a bit quiet then, so I stressed how much more I would appreciate it when DH wasn't around... but she's ignored it.

    I had a really scary dream that I put a notice on the front door with the baby's details (a photo, the name, gender, dob etc) and in big letters "Please do not disturb - Mother and Baby sleeping" and my mum kept ringing the doorbell, pushed past DH to get in when he opened the door to tell her where to go, and although I told her to go away and she wasn't welcome, she picked up my sleeping baby. I told her to put baby down or I'd call the police - she didn't and so I called the police to get her out my house.

    I am considering not telling her the baby is here for as long as possible, but she's already informed me she's visiting for my birthday (the 21st of Feb) so I may not be able to keep it a secret for too long. Maybe we could just not answer the door ever? I also aren't telling her where we're having the baby so she can't visit, which is not mean, if she listened to me then she wouldn't try to visit!

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