Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

About my friends boyfriend; he's not allowed to work with children but he's allowed to be around them. He has contact with his other children (who claimed they were abused by him - and he has a fair few kids, too! He admitted to abusing a child who wasn't his genetically) and that's legal also. The only time the oh-so-brilliant Department of Child Protection would intervene is if he actually hurt her baby. It has occured to me to alert the authorities because there are other dodgy goings-on related to them living together but that would not help her child in the slightest so I don't really see the point. He cannot have custody of his children but has supervised visitation, but children he has not abused (yet) are not considered to be in danger.

[HotI]

About my friends boyfriend; he's not allowed to work with children but he's allowed to be around them. He has contact with his other children (who claimed they were abused by him - and he has a fair few kids, too! He admitted to abusing a child who wasn't his genetically) and that's legal also. The only time the oh-so-brilliant Department of Child Protection would intervene is if he actually hurt her baby. It has occurred to me to alert the authorities because there are other dodgy goings-on related to them living together but that would not help her child in the slightest so I don't really see the point. He cannot have custody of his children but has supervised visitation, but children he has not abused (yet) are not considered to be in danger.

The Department of Child Protection can not intervene if they don't know that he is living there. This would be the point of you (who have the knowledge) of notifying them. If getting the authorities involved prevents or stops a child from continuing abuse then you would be helping the child in a big way.

If he has access to this child, and the mother is not able or willing to protect the child then notification may give the child a chance. The mother may be able to given resources, or information so she feels able to, and understand her role to protect the child. And if the mother is not able to fulfill her role then someone needs to protect the child.

I don't think there is a need to comment on other parents parenting styles that may differ with no immediate danger to the child, but in this case the child needs to be protected.

[~Raven~]

Yes I'm judgemental with certain things. I'm not with others as I totally understand bad days happen as I've had many of those.

[rufalina]

Interesting thread....

I do look and judge, but all my judgment is kept internal (or winged to DH in private), unless I can see real harm to a child.

The only exception I have to this rule, is an agreement I made with my sister when we were both pregnant together. We agreed that if we saw each other doing something that just didn't feel right, or that we wanted to offer advice on, we were able to do so, in a constructive positive way, but we were not allowed to get angry or offended by the comment/suggestion, and similarly, if the comment / suggestion was not taken on board, we were not allowed to harp on about it. And to date, my sis and I and our babies are getting along very well. We have both been able to support and help each other out.

[Smoke Jaguar]

We risk becoming like child protection services if we only see fit to broach something if it's a physical threat to a child. If a child is fed and clothed and not physically abused, a child is not deemed to be under threat. If that child is ignored, sent to childcare so that the parents dont' have to engage emotionally with him or her, relegated quite obviously in favour of another child, it just doesn't register as important. That child's psychological wellbeing just doesn't rate because we can't SEE it happening. Yet that psychological wellbeing will affect the child's adulthood as much, of not more profoundly, than physical circumstances, if the physical doesn't already compound the psychological.
Watching a child's face as it crumbles, watching that child crumble inside, not knowing anymore WHAT he can do to be accepted by his father except lash out and say over and over again, like a mantra, that he hates his father and wishes he could kill him (the child was 5 at the time and otherwise a sweet, imaginative kid) is not something I like to just sit back and reserve judgment on. In this instance (this really happened), the mother was crying and saying she didn' tknow what to do, knowing that she didn't have the strength to stand up for the child whilst it was happening and not knowing how to respond to the child once it had already happened. I took this as an invitation to advise, and advised her to be all the love she could be so that at least her son would know who he could turn to. Only, she can't do this properly, either, because her DH becomes infantile when she doesn't 'support' him and she's left on her own - cold-shouldered and belittled ("you're just like your mother", he'll say to the boy) by her husband and distrusted by her son for her ability to protect his spirit. When you feel your own heart cracking into little pieces watching this happen before your eyes, I defy you to keep your 'judgment' to yourself about something that won't land a kid in hospital
Honestly, if you can grab a copy of The Natural Child and read its chapter on standing up for children, it might change the way you react to these situations.
So, yes, there are times I do judge parenting, and not because they're not parenting like I would, but because they're parenting in a way that is harming their child, in visible ways, or internalised ways.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

The Department of Child Protection can not intervene if they don't know that he is living there. This would be the point of you (who have the knowledge) of notifying them. If getting the authorities involved prevents or stops a child from continuing abuse then you would be helping the child in a big way.

If he has access to this child, and the mother is not able or willing to protect the child then notification may give the child a chance. The mother may be able to given resources, or information so she feels able to, and understand her role to protect the child. And if the mother is not able to fulfill her role then someone needs to protect the child.

I don't think there is a need to comment on other parents parenting styles that may differ with no immediate danger to the child, but in this case the child needs to be protected.

But DCP have already said that they will not intervene because he hasn't hurt *this* child. They will only prevent him from living with children he HAS hurt. I don't want to get into too much detail because I'm worried that someone who knows the situation will recognise it and know who I'm talking about (slim chance but you never know), but she was with this person for a number of years before they separated, and it was not until after she left him that she found out about his history. She no longer believes that the claims made against him are real so in her eyes, so she doesn't feel the need to protect her child from him. DCP have been involved with her for some time now as well as with him and with his children and they adamantly refuse to offer any assistance whatsoever. The only thing that would happen if I told them is that my friend would lose her house, which would put her and her child in more danger anyway. He still has visitation with his children who all accused him of assault. He's done jailtime before but protecting children from emotional and physical suffering isn't something DCP are concerned about . .