Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Trillian]

I don't really judge someone for what they do, but more the lack of commonsense you see surrounding those things is what frustrates me - like coke in bottles and hot chips for infants to suck on and that sort of thing. I think juice in a bottle is just as bad as coke, but plenty of parents believe it to be the better option kwim? So for all intents and purposes they are trying to do the *right* thing.

I would never judge someone simply because they do things differently to what I do - whether that be cc or what they feed their kids or smoking etc, because often they are so resolute in what they are doing that even if you said cc has been proven to harm your baby, then they would probably still do it anyway - especially if it's working for them. For example, there was a boy in my DS's class last year who had a lunch order everyday the canteen was open - it was only 3 days a week though - but even though this child didn't exactly have a nutritious lunch on those days (I have no idea what he had on the other two days) does that make his Mum someone to be judged? She might be a little lazy in preferring to write on a paper bag and put the money in instead of making him something healthier, but definately not a bad Mum.

I like to give most people the benefit of the doubt, because they might just not know any better, particularly if they don't have positive parenting role models in their life kwim? And we don't see what goes on behind closed doors - we only make assumptions based on the 5 minutes we see these people at the shops etc. For all we know they could go home and be cooked a huge plate of meat and vege for dinner, and then tucked into bed and read a story by Mum or Dad. Unless of course they are doing something that is obviously harming their children - then I get really cranky

[queenbee]

Yes I do judge but at things like coke for kids, smoking in cars with kids in there and swearing at children. I was putting my DD in the car the other day and I heard a loud yell "tamika, don't you fu**ing cross that road you little b*tch". It scared the cr*p outta me. I literally jumped. The poor little girl was crying and I really felt for her. I am not proud to be judgemental. But I can't help it. Children are so innocent

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Bless you Bec, you're lovely!

I can't judge for giving a child a "bad" drink - my DS loves white wine (not that he's allowed it, he just steals mine) and I used to give him cow juice, which hurt his little tummy. I know I'll get hate mail for the wine but not for the milk - but the milk is worse! I don't agree with giving a child cola and I don't drink it myself, but I can't judge for it. WHAT IF the parents don't know how awful it is? What if the child stole the drink of cola one day and now won't drink anything else?

Smoking is very addictive. I'm not a smoker and I don't approve of it, but it can be awful to quit. I don't want people smoking around children but the anti-smoking laws are pushing smokers to children (children and smokers in the beer gardens, please!) and if you are addicted then why punish people for a mistake started years ago that they may not want to continue? I must admit, I have lower tolerance for smokers now I've gone back to Uni and there are more of them though! Horrid habit. But one I'm happy I do not hold an addiction to. I have spoken with people who want to quit but just can't. I don't have an addictive sort of personality/genetics so can't fully understand, but I do realise it's hard.

Swearing is a method of communication. One that sounds foul to many ears. But people grow up with it and don't realise. "Dang it all to heck!" may seem more refined, but it is just culture: some people don't have parents who moderate their language or have any refinement. For some reason, DS seems to say "track!" when he's annoyed (usually, I think, because his Brio track is broken which causes the most upsets)... now that could sound a whole lot worse! I think toddlers swearing is just awful to hear, but the parents of swearing toddlers can't see a problem: it is their everyday language. Just as I don't think Liebling speaking to me in French or German is a problem. (Although Spanish, Italian, Latin, old Greek and Mandarin is... because I can't speak much of those! He's picked it up from both me and the TV, but I'd rather he learn a language fluently rather than the odd word here and there that I do and that he has picked up from me.)

I tell Liebling "No! Stop!" [take DS away from the road] "Don't cross the road my precious; it's dangerous. Cars are hurty if you bump into them!" He is in tears. I have stopped him doing something. It's not the language used, it's the "no" quite often. He may cross the road WITH me, holding my hand so that I'm kept safe, but only when there are no cars. We must both check.

I know a lot of people judge me negatively for letting DS cross a road which cars use frequently (but not a busy road). I have people thinking I can't be his mother because I let him walk around so much! He's not yet 2 and 90% of the time he stops at the pavement and grabs my hand, looks for cars, waits for me to OK crossing the road then crosses safely, quickly and without bother. 10% of the time he doesn't and boy do I get judged for that!

I may not like others' parenting, but I always try to think "this person did not wake up this morning and think now how shall I scar my child for life today?" when I get judgemental. Because I have faced quite a bit of it on the other side of the fence - for babywearing (mollycoddling/spoiling/uncomfortable for mum and bub/too poor for a pushchair - yup, major criticism where I live!), BFing past... well birth in some cases, not CCing, co-sleeping... now we all think that's acceptable parenting here but others do not agree. And those people believe that they are giving me the best possible advice and I don't know about their ideas, which is why I'm not doing them. I've had a lot of positive feedback in the local area for what I do too, particularly babywearing, but I've had some stupid stuff said too.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I would also say that for me in my judgementalism there is a MASSIVE difference between the mum doing something completely at odds to me after careful research and loving consideration and the woman doing exactly the same because she can't be bothered looking at the effects or alternatives.

Yep - this is one I will silently think "who wouldn't look into what's best for their child?". Then I realise that a lot of people assume that the way most other people do things MUST be good, or they wouldn't do it, and don't have access to the people and resources who can illuminate them better.
The other thing I wanted to add to my own post was that when I 'judge' it is with compassion for both the parents and the children in question. Like with my former friends - I have compassion for the older child (the younger escapes criticism for his personality because he conforms better to what the dad wants of him) as well as for the father, because the father, I know, never wanted to turn out like his old man...and from all reports, he has become alarmingly similar in his punitive parenting and non-acceptance of his son's more creative and sensitive personality (he's 'off with the fairies' and is now more self-conscious of that because he's not unreservedly loved for what he naturally is )
I think if you're caring about the effects of someone's parenting and doing it from a heartspace and not a headspace, there needn't be a negative connotation to 'judgmental'. Headspace judgment where you think your way is just better cos you do it, is a bit of a pitfall I'd like to avoid and if I fall into it, it's not a judgment I'd ever act on. If you're feeling your parenting honours your child's spirit in comparison to someone else's practises and you are conflicted over how to share that ethic with a parent who seems to have disconnected from their instincts (as opposed to their conditioned ideas of parenting), it's not a bad thing at all. In fact, it's a more positive energy and you're likely to create a ripple effect, somehow, instead of being instructional