do you sometimes find gentle parenting disheartening?

[fionas]

I am very lucky that DD is a fabbo sleeper (though I do like to claim some credit for it ) ... interesting enough Ianna, DD was crying before she was out of me too - it really was VERY bizarre, DP still talks about it.

I have my gentle parenting frustrations with other things though, mostly discipline. I am often at a bit of a loss because it doesn't matter how consistent I am, DD often does her own thing and takes absolutely no notice of me. She is just a very, very determined little girl who has no fear. I have had strangers come up to me at the park and tell me, "wow, I thought mine was a daredevil but yours is one out of the box."

I just think kids are different - I see this from my Mothers Group - and what works on one may not work on another. I can't see that the mums at MG are doing anything different to what I'm doing it's just that their kids are more placid and do what they're told. They will come and sit with their mum after playing for 15 minutes whereas DD keeps going for 2 hours non-stop and will then kick and scream when we finally leave. On my bad days, it gets to me. But I'm lucky that DP has already brought up a child and he assures me that it's not my imagination and that DD IS full-on. Part of the reason that we're considering a tree change so we can have a massive backyard and she can run off more energy .

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

No, I don't. DS's sleeping troubles were mostly down to pain, and if he wakes now it's illness or temperature. He knew night from day pretty much from birth and slept at night, waking for feeds (or comforting from pain).

I find parenting the way I want to enjoyable. Not easy. But I have no guilt or worries, I'm doing what's right for us. I like to babywear, to comfort an upset child, to talk things through, to play, to laugh, to do chores together, to cuddle up at night, to be woken up with a kiss and "I love you Mammy, I love you very much" (even if he spent all night in his bed, he comes through for a cuddle first thing).

DS isn't perfect, far from it. But he told Mum about his exciting day last night: "I saw *cousin*. I like *cousin*. We played together. We played in my house. *Cousin* liked my trains too." How nice! He sees this little boy twice a year, and loves to share his new toys and his favourite toys.

His idea of an argument is "I love Daddy." If I say that I love Daddy too, he gets cross. "No, Mammy, I love Daddy. I love DADDY. I LOVE DADDY. You no love Daddy; I love Daddy. You cross now." I'm not cross, I just shouted back that I love Daddy, volume equating to amount of love to DS for some reason.

When Mum tries to force DS to do something he doesn't want to do, he tries to sit her down. When he finally gets her sat down, he explains to her what's going on. "I no a big boy. I a little baby. I want to be little baby. A little baby who wears nappies." (Mum has this idea he should be toilet trained by now... DS doesn't!) How much nicer than having a tantrum or being bullied! (I'm so glad I don't trantrum, don't reward tantrums and do listen to DS!)

[boomba]

Oh huh I really know what you mean!

I remember thinking mybe I should cio etc cause DS1 wouldnt sleep...but after all my hard work he began sleeping through and in his own bed...I am so glad I trusted my insctincts and stayed a gentle parent.

Your doing a great job xx

[Shanti]

I know what you mean! I'm sure most parents who do "gentle parenting" feel the same way!! I know I do.

I think like another poster said, you either have a baby who likes sleep or a baby who doesn't like sleep!

My DD was great between 4mths-7mths then something happened!!

We co-sleep just to get sleep and yes some days it is sooo frustrating and I wish she'd just stay in her cot all night (in our room) but she just wants mummy and daddy close by to her and that's okay.... one day she'll outgrow it.
I couldn't imagine trying harsh parenting methods on our little girl... it's too damaging for them and us! And it wouldn't feel right! Babies were born to be loved, not left to cry after all.

[~Kaz~]

Olive I have had similar thoughts many times since DS was about 6 months old. And I have also thought like Heaven - is it because we gentle parent that DS isn't a good sleeper? But I also agree with Raven and others, I think he just isn't a good sleeper and no technique or parenting philosophy will change that. His dad kind of sucks at sleeping too some of the time whereas I used to sleep for 8-10 hours every night. I think I am finding it harder to understand or at times empathise with DS not sleeping because I'm a GREAT sleeper, I like my sleep, I find it hard not to resent having it so broken every night.

I have also wondered if this is the universes way of teaching me to be more patient, more accepting and to suvive on broken sleep for so long.

You're doing a fantastic job mate. I hope you are able to get yourself a break soon. In my sane moments I feel quite proud of how we're raising DS and how well I'm doing with him not sleeping longer than 4-5 hours at a time on a good night. Yesterday he only had 2 40min day sleeps all day and then wouldn't go down at his normal time so I feel your pain. I think you should be feeling really proud of yourself too. This isn't easy. I hold onto the brief periods he had at 7 and 8 months that were longer stretches overnight as evidence that he can do it, and he will do it again at some point. It's hard to run a marathon when you don't know how long it goes for. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Sterla]

I know what you mean!! I have been wanting to write that post for ages but had no idea how to!!

I sometimes wonder if there are any gentle parents who have good sleepers?? Or is that the price we have to pay for parenting this way?? Then I wonder if I'm doing the right thing bc I have failed at teaching DD how to sleep! But the alternative is CC I guess and I'm not doing that to my precious girl!

I hope it pays off too!!

Me too Olive, and Heaven. It's the sleep stuff I find the hardest. Today has been especially tough, and I've spent the whole day wanting to roll into a ball and cry like a little girl yelling "It's not fair, why can't I have a good sleeper!"

But when I think of CC, I just could never go down that path...

[onthefly]

I don't find it disheartening, cause I can see it's workign for us. It's not working in that "all-important metric" sleeping, but in the person my son is becoming and the relationship we share.

I think it's natural to doubt ourselves as parents, though, so I do understand wondering if maybe, if I did something differently, would it be better? I do remember considering, in desperation, whether I should leave him to cry (or perhaps, whether I had the strength to go to him once again). It really felt so wrong though, no matter my sheer exhaustion I just couldn't do it.

[Shanti]

oh it's sooo good knowing others with babies of similar ages are exhausted too and their babies not sleeping much at night either!! DD won't sleep longer than 3hrs it's sooooo frustrating I really cannot remember the last time we all slept longer than 3-4hrs in a row.... but I just keep thinking we will get there.... we have to right?
It does completely SUCK when you hear of others who's babies are sleeping 7-8hrs in a row or whatever, EVERY night and you think "so when will it be my turn for some sleep??" but who knows maybe they used some CC or CIO to get their baby to that level? In which case I coulnd't do that....

It's amazing how we survive on such little sleep hey.

[Winter]

YEP! Sometimes when the mums come to mother's group and their babies have slept 12 hours and they have actually had a chance to put make-up on and wash their hair, then yes. I wish my baby slept, but not enough to let her cry. And then some days I think I'm doing it all wrong anyway because no matter what I do, rocking, cuddling, feeding etc, she still cries to sleep anyway!

Anyway, DD's first word is "Mum-mum" so can I complain?? (Said first at 3am one morning after numerous wake-ups - I'm guessing as a survival mechanism?? )

[~Kim~]

yep me too.
Only for me it's not the sleep thing. I've done it before with a rubbish sleeper and it worked ok so the second one, while harder, I know it will get better.
It's the whole discipline/behaviour management that I have trouble with.
I have all the conviction in the world and I truely believe in it....but DH and I are at odds with parenting. He doesn't believe in it at all. He smacks - without warning, he yells, he taunts and then gets cross when she reacts, he doesn't listen to her if he can't be bothered.....how do I combat that?
I've tried explaining and it just ends up in the biggest blues. He won't read anything or research anything. If he thinks that's the way it's done then that's the way it's done.
It is affecting my children.....

Sorry that was a ramble but I really do understand the feeling.

[Winter]

I'm so sorry Kim. No advice, just hugs. You sound upset, has something happened tonight?

[~Kim~]

THanks Winter. Oh nothing out of the ordinary just the usual arguements....

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Ugh my DH is crappo like that too Kim. He doesn't understand the need for love and attention and always says 'he's crying for no reason'. no he cried because its the only way he can communicate. ffs if you ever learnt to read his cues you migh get it. drives me mental and its the one thing i detest about being the working parent. sorry ot just wanted to let u know my df is similar.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My DH was similar, very big believer in smacking and crying.

BUT... I promise it's easier as the child gets older. When the child can ask to and constructively join in with chores, it's easier. When a child can ask rather than crying (OK, so my lad is almost 3 and I have to remind him that he gets needs met quicker if he uses English rather than just coming up to me, getting picked up and crying), that's easier. An old school chum complains her lad, my DS's age, smacks back now when he thinks she deserves it... but that doesn't stop her smacking. She asked me how I stopped DS smacking and I told her that we don't do it for punishment, given that DS likes having his bum hit (softly!) and we use XYZ instead. It has calmed him down since he was a baby. But she still smacks, even after saying how friendly, polite and well-behaved DS is. DH still gets a little angry at times, but he's a firm believer in gentle parenting... because it is just one-on-one with DS and it does work now you can see the rewards.

I just think that if you treat a child with respect, they are respectful. And as DH had little to do with infant DS (other than authoratarian, but not around much), DS is more respectful, which is because of the gentle parenting. It did take quite a while though, just the last few months really when I've started having others tell me how perfect DS's manners are and how well he shares and cares for little children. And that's not all the time.

(I'm getting him back from his grandparents today, where he's had a week's holiday... I won't be so sanguine about the sleep deprivation after tonight!)

BTW, a baby I know who from 6w slept 6pm-8am and even now, at 2, just sits on the floor watching as her mother paints and plays and has fun... CC at 6w old. I like my sleep and lie-ins, but I love my active, loving, sleepless and fun child more!

[believer]

O Kim, I sooo understand you. Except my DH doesn't smack thank God.
So big hugs from me. It's quite lonely hey?
I normally am a person that goes for harmony and peace, but I do fight to gentle parent my ds as I am a firm believer of this!
I hope things will get easier for you!

[Shanti]

It's hard too when you are doing the 'gentle parenting' style.... and you have family members saying to you "she's manipulating you"..... arrrgh!

[beckoes]

Hugs first and agreeance second... I would go through times when i thought '' im doing all this wrong, dd is screaming at me, im rocking her for hours and she is still awake'' and sometimes i would just put her down in the cot, still crying and think...the pro-CIOers must be right...I wouldnt get far before i took a deep breath and run back to my little baby. You just have to do what feels right and TRUST the way you have decided to do things.
SO..i BF DD to sleep now...but that isnt a failure, its a choice and she will learn to SS sometime...i wont still be BF her to sleep when she is 15...(i hope )
HUGE hugs to you. well done for the amazing job your doing!!

[krysalyss]

I think of parenting as a long-term project. LOL. Gentle parenting might not always pay the short-term benefits (e.g. they stop whatever 'naughty' thing they are doing the first time you ask because otherwise they get a smack) but it WILL pay the long-term benefits. They will grow into secure, loving, respectful, confident people. That is what we want from DS even if he is very strong-willed right now!