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Thread: Don't Know WHAT to do

  1. #1

    Default Don't Know WHAT to do

    Ok, so I'm very much the 'gentle parent' in regards to: I feed my bub to sleep, we co sleep , I am VERY against controlled crying/comforting....



    My daughter has been on me like GLUE the past week to the point where I even have to take naps when she does and go to bed at night when she does and I have NO TIME to myself AT ALL! The most she can handle being out of my arms is 10 mins...

    I have been trying tonight to get her to sleep in her own cot and I haven't left her side at all and have been picking her up for a cuddle every 5 mins or so for comfort before putting her back in the cot and stroking her hair and shhhing her etc.

    She has been crying HORRIBLY and I am just so upset and angry that I don't know what do do anymore! I just need some time to myself... a half hour would be fantastic right now! I had to wake her dad up, who was asleep on the couch and he is with her now and I'm crying right now because I am at my wits end.

    Ok, so no controlled crying here.....can someone, anyone tell me what I do bleedin do instead!? Or does gentle parenting mean parent has not a second to themselves?

    Sorry for the rant...it just seems as though it's controlled crying or it's give everything to the bub and to hell with the parents sanity...

  2. #2

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    It's so hard when you start to reach the end of your tether isn't it I don't know how old your bub is, it could be a developmental stage, or possibly teething? I found DS was like that, very clingy and waking frequently etc when he was teething, or just before learning to crawl or something. I think it was the age of separation anxiety too.

    Sounds like you're doing everything you can, and well done on trying to meet your bub's needs rather than letting her cry it out.

    If you're concerned, a trip to the dr could help in order to rule out anything that might be bothering her such as an ear infection, or reflux or something.

    I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Sometimes it just takes that extra bit of sleep for us to be able to cope with things until getting out of this 'stage'. Do you have a hugabub or something similar that you could strap bub to you with and crash out in a recliner or something? (stops bub rolling off, and gives the comfort of being close to you) and you could both get some sleep.

    I'll send some *sleepy vibes* your way.

    oh - and welcome to BB!

  3. #3

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    How old is she hun?

  4. #4

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    Hi guys, again sorry for the mad-woman rant...
    I forgot to mention she turned 8 mths a few days ago ...and yes, that second tooth is just under the surface and she has the tail end of a cold...so yeah, she's been VERY clingy...I just find that if I don't get even a half hour of quiet time to myself, where I know she is asleep and I can relax...then that's all I need to recharge and go for the next rounds. Hence, I am just not wanting to be a mum right now and that's awful for me to feel that way...

    I am just surrounded by peopke right now saying "wean her...", "give her formula for the feed right before bed", "gotta get her off the habit of feeding to sleep" "co-sleeping is not good" etc. My Fiance and I are getting married in Hawaii in July (15th) and he wants to go for a 3 day honeymoon and at this stage it's gonna be impossible for anyone to look after her because she does feed to sleep and she does co-sleep with me and feed whenever she wants through the night....Just feelin the pressure, that's all...

    Added to that, she has disovered she loves to bite my nipples when she is breastfeeding...she really clamps down and just bites and won't let go. Last night she did it 4 or 5 times until I just burst into tears.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Liz View Post
    I'll send some *sleepy vibes* your way.

    oh - and welcome to BB!
    Thanks Liz

  6. #6

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    I'd put my money on it being that nasty little tooth ready to pop through. That explains the biting too. Hang in there.

    As for your 3 day trip.. you might be surprised.. my DS fed to sleep for what seemed like forever (he grew out of it in his own time altho still does like a feed before sleep! just doesnt' NEED it) but my mum if she needed to could get him to sleep by having a musical toy or something and rocking him in her lap on the lounge, or even singing to him. Whoever is minding her might be able to find a way to get her to sleep. Perhaps do a couple of practise sessions to see if the babysitter can get her off to sleep gently.

    Oh, and I soooo know what it's like to hear those comments about formula and sleeping habits. *sigh*. Just try to nod & smile. Unfortunately they usually are well meaning comments, but they don't realise how demoralising they are when you're trying to stick to what you believe in.

    Hope you have a good night tonight. Maybe dig out the panadol out for that tooth

  7. #7

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    So sorry to hear that you are at the end of you tether, i know that is not a good place to be at all. I dont have any great ideas for you to make things easier. I have a 2 year old who refuses to sleep at night unless i am there and i have everyone telling me to just let him scream, which i am not comfortable doing either. It is so hard to be a gentle parent and do whats best for the child instead of whats easiest for us, but you know in your heart that the effort you are putting in now is going to create a wonderful huma being. I think maybe a sling would help you, at least then you have your hands free, and maybe bub will sleep in the sling at night til you go to bed. Do you ave your DH around much in the evenings? Even if you go for a walk or have a nice hot bath or shower for half hour without bub.

    I hope things get easier for you soon

  8. #8

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    Beore you even said how old she was, I was going to ask if she was 8 months old! I remember that stage well, I called Charlie my Velcro boy, he was incredibly clingy!

    Quite a few mums in my Baby Buddies was complaining of the same thing at that time. I'm almost absolutely sure it's a developmental stage, and while it was bloody backbreaking, they do grow out of it in a month or so.

    Big hugs, hun, BTDT and it was pretty hard not to go mental, but rest assured you're doing a bang up job of being the kind of mummy she needs right now.

  9. #9
    Fire Fly Guest

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    I think every first time mum has been through that stage and its not a happy place. Our DD got extremely clingy to due to hospital dramas (hip dislocation) and that her not wanting me out of her sight. It was extremely draining and at times i just wanted my old life back which sounds horrible but thats how depressed and sleep deprived you get hey. And those thoughts only make you human, not a bad mother.

    We ended up going to a sleep and settling class. It was a one on one with the councilor and she advised us what to do. Well me actually because there was no way DD would let DH put her to bed.
    I to could not leave DD side when putting her to bed. I used to have to sneek the boob out of her mouth and hope to god she didnt hear the release other wise she would start crying and id have to put her on again and wait until she feel asleep again. Then id lay her ever so gently in her cot and hope that she didnt feel the difference. Quiet often she did and we would be on the lounge again.

    Anyhow, i would have to feed her, take her to bed and tuck her in. All the while telling her it is time for sleeps. This had to be the same every night, the words were all part of the routine. Then id grab a chair and sit beside her bed ( she was 22 months i think at the time) all the while talking softly and reasuring her, yes she would be protesting. Then id place my hand on her so she knew i was there and she had that contact still talking calmly to her ( yes it was hard to stay calm). Then i was told to wait 5 minutes and if she still was upset to get her out of bed and settle her down, then once settled do it again. Do this for 15 minutes then if no luck revert to old way especially if they are really upset at this stage. Eventually she would get the routine and start to settle and sleep. Next you had to break the contact. So you still sit by the bed but you put your back to her, she can still see you but you have no contact, remember you are still soothing her with your voice/song. Then when you get through this stage you try to move away. So you do as above and sit on your chair with your back to her but this time you move it a little bit away. Slowly but surely you eventually move the chair to the end of the bed until finally you can walk away.
    I really hope you get something out of what ive written. I was extremely hard and took along time but it did work in the end.
    The other thing that is important to do and we do it with all our kids today. Is set the scene for bed. Turn all unecessary lights of, just have dull light, turn the tele down. Then maybe read a book before bed or have cuddles on the lounge without feeding. Just find something quiet to do with her and keep it the same everynight. Kids like reportition so she will get used to it and expect it. Always keep your voice calm and soothing, same goes for DH. Get him involved to to give you a break. Maybe he and DD can sit and he can read her a book. Routine is the key really.

    We didnt agree with control crying either and there is no way id stick a bottle of formula in any of my kids mouth. Its not the breast feeding thats the issue so why suggest you change something she is used to and create more drama.

    As far as the biting goes, DD is doing the same to me atm and i give her a firm no and slight tap on the cheek. She soon stops and starts crying but is not keen to do it again. You really need to be firm with her regarding biting. Even a sturn voice when she does it and if she still doesnt listen, say no again and take the breast away from her. She will soon learn mum is not joking and you will take away what she loves. Have you tried her on some rusks for her teeth to cut. My DD has 7 already and i gave her chewers that have been in the fridge or rusks. You could always use bonjela if its thats bad. I dont really like that stuff but if you feel her teeth are bugging her that much. Or alternatively you could give her some nuerofen for the pain before she goes to bed, at least she will get 8 hours of pain relief.

    The other thing i just thought of is do you think a night light might help. DD#1 never would settle when younger but a night light did the trick.

    Good luck with it. Your not alone either, there are lots of first time mums out there that feel the same. It does get better and the subsequent bubs are so much easier. Our last DD is unreal, i just put her to bed and she goes to sleep. Even DS was easy. No going of to sleep on my like my first.
    The only way to avoid doing that is to go back to basics, feed them, wind them change them, then put them to bed. That way they are still sleepy but not alseep on you. Even a bath before bed is a winner.

    Let me know how you go and if i think of anything else ill let you know. Hang in there. It does get better.

  10. #10

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    Wow guys, just had a chance to read your replies, thank you for being so supportive and reassuring! I'm sure you'll know what I mean when I say it really helps talking to ppl who have been there!

    Liz- DF and my mum (who is only 16 years older than I am so she doesn't have too much of a generation gap on me) have been mainly the ones advising on the formula etc. Had to tell DF that all I've been hearing from day one is "top up with formula.." and the like...when BF'ing was difficult for me to establish at the beginning and at a time where I needed support that I could BF...(I had inverted nipples and had to use a combination of hand expressing, nipple shields and 2 day stays at bf'ing clinics). So, yeah they mean well but it wasn't helpful to me.

    Good point re. someone else being able to get her to sleep. I think I might have a few practice runs with my mum before we head to HI. We're taking her with us of course and my mum will look after her in Hawaii one night, DF's parents will take her another night...not sure after that. Will play it by ear...

    Widdly, sorry to hear you're going through it as well. Hopefully your DS will be able to settle down for sleep soon! Let me know how you go! My DF is home at night, often falls asleep on the couch around8pm'ish...but is willing to wake up and help out if I need it so it's good that way!

    Kim - She used to take EBM via bottle when she was a wee newborn. It's been awhile since she had a bottle though and we have tried her on a bottle and a sippy cup with EBM about a month ago and she just chewed on the teat and was not interested at all in actually drinking from it. She lost patience with her dad trying to get her to drink from it after about 10 minutes. We're gonna keep trying her though.

    Yeah, she smiles at me and think's I'm entertaining her when I react to her biting me. She usually will clamp down and pull her head back, with my nipple firmly clamped by her tooth and gums and I'm in agony going "Arggghhh MAYA NO! Let GO!" I'm pretty much at her mercy until she lets go lol!

    Sushee, lol @ velcro baby...I might have to borrow that term for a while I think! Thank you so much on reassuring me that it's a stage!

    Ok, Maya is awake again so typing faster...Firefly, thanks for your reply! Much appreciated! I will come back to your reply and reread it as I think your method is worth having a go and trying with Maya. I will let you know how I go, definitely!

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