How do you deal with other ppls parenting?

[Rahjah]

I swore I was never going to be "one of those" judgmental mums and I fear I am exactly it. We had dinner at a very good friends place last night. There were 6 of us, and my friend has just had her 2nd bub.

We sat around the table in very awkward silence listening to her 6 wk old cry on his own in his room. I felt sick to the stomach. It just felt wrong with everything in me, he is just so young. Another guest said "is he ok"? and my friend laughed at our uncomfortableness and said that he just knows that there are people in the house and is unsettled from it. I say - rubbish. A 6 week old doesn't know that. All he knows is whether he's comfortable or not or hungry or not. All he knows is that he can cry and hopefully someone (i.e. his parents) will help him. He has no thought, just instincts.

It was awful. And then they managed to patronise my husband and I by commenting that we are "just first time parents" and we will understand when we have our 2nd. I told them that it is not out of naivity that I parent the way I do, it is a choice. And an educated choice at that, though I didn't say that. It's not just a "feeling", it is based on evidence that young children are hindered, not helped, by being left alone in distress like that.

I love my friends but I feel times are changing. I can't honestly sit through dinner with them again. I couldn't risk having to hear their baby cry like that, it feels so wrong.
But I know I'm being judgmental. I've never told them how to parent. I just can't sit through their choices anymore...and I can't sit through being patronised like that as if I don't know what I'm doing with my own son. Or as if I just haven't "caught up" to where they are at yet.

ARGH. Vent over. Sorry. Feel much better

If anyone wants to help me with my judgmentalism feel free

[Trillian]

I know how you feel, and yes it is really hard sometimes but I have learnt not to give advice/alternatives when it isn't asked for in situations like that because we all know how easy it is to feel judged for our parenting choices and if we were to do the same to someone else by saying something then we only perpetuate the cycle kwim? I do however vent about it afterwards because I can't keep it bottled up inside when something goes against what I believe. Instead of saying something that may be taken the wrong way, make an offer of help - like ask if you can hold the baby, or do you need a hand - they may take you up on the offer. Or alternatively when you see them again you could bring into the conversation alternative ways of doing things that you've found helpful. Good luck, it is never easy this parenting caper is it? Even when we are doing what is right for us, we are confronted with other parents doing what is right for them.

[Pandora]

Rahjah
To me it sounds like they are the ones being judgemental of your parenting.

From their side of the fence, they probably feel exactly the same way as you do (well they obviusly do as they said it to you), and would therefore feel just as judged. As above, we're all doing whats right for us.

I think the only situation in which I think I would not be able to restrain myself from intervening is if I felt they were doing something that was putting the childs safety at risk.

I do find that it matter what aspect of how we parents DS it is, theres someone who questions it, tells me its wrong etc. And I always think to myself ' think what you like, but why the need to tell me?'. They know they wont change my mind.

You dont have to sit through their choices if you dont want to, though it may mean losing that friendship. Do you want to keep it? It comes down to whats important to you.

[C~Q]

Awww, that must have been really hard for you hon I think you did the right thing by not saying anything though. ANd who knows, maybe they were leaving the bub so long because they felt they might be judged by the others at the dinner party? I'm not saying that makes it a good decision (sp?) but it could be why. I know whenever my family come to Aus for a holiday they always tell me I shouldn't still be getting up for DD throughout the night and should be leaving her to cry. Perhaps they thought the same?

[Lucy]

It's a tough one for sure.

Within our circle of friends we have a wide variety of parenting styles.

I am fairly upfront about how we are with our kids, to the point where I purposefully "take the mickey" out of myself in front of friends in order to let them know that I am totally comfortable with my style, regardless of what they think, so there is not much point in them ever trying to change me!

For example, if friends come to dinner, I always preface the invitation with somethin like "As long as you remember I am the orginal hippy baby wearing Mummy, so I am likely to have a baby on my hip as I dish up dinner" ie so they KNOW I know our styles are different.

Not sure if that helps any?

[Snowy Love]

I can so relate - I was almost in tears at the shops the other day listening to a baby cry & the mother saying to her "Cry all you want I'm not going to pick you up". I wanted to go and offer to pick her up, 'cause (it sounded to me) all she wanted was to be reassured that someone was there for her. (I also wanted to find The Science of Parenting and give it to the mum telling her that the baby wasn't trying to manipulate her). I left the shop rather than do either of those things.

[sunshine_sieben]

I find these situations incredibly difficult, too. I usually try not to say anything. But seeing that she criticised your parenting style by saying: "You're just a first time mum and you will get it once you have a second child", I think I would not have been able to hold back after that. I can get pretty defensive about my parenting style. Yes, it is hard sometimes (going through teething at the moment, too, for what seems like forever), but I think it is a small price to pay for my daughter's long term emotional development.
I agree with what some people have said that we should hand out free copies of books like "The science of Parenting". If people got more than one kind of advice in the early days, they might be more open to gentler options.

I have been told by an acquaintance (who doesn't have any children of her own) that had I not moved away from all my friends in Sydney, I would have a much "healthier" relationship with DD. And then she told me about another acquaintances "healthy" relationship with her DD. She has been back at work full time since her DD was 3.5 months old, She goes out at least one night a week without her DD, only breastfed for a little while, sings the praises of the convenience of a planned C/S, does not only CC but actuall CIO, etc.

When I get defensive, I usually tell poeple that being a parent is not about convenience. That having a child is one of the most inconvenient things one can do. But that the rewards are just so great, that we don't seem to mind. And that we all do what we think is best for our children and I happen to think that letting them CIO is bad for them.

My FIL has told me on many occasions how they would let DH CIO for hours on end in the first year of life. How that was horrible, but necessary. And then he wonders why DH has troubles talking to him when he has a problem. Why DH doesn't seem to feel he can go to his father for help (his mum died when he was 9). Why he keeps his emotions locked up inside. Ok, lots of guys are like that. But maybe that is because they were told to tough it out when they were little. He also told me lots of time: "You should get her on the bottle (since she was about 3 months). She'll be a better kid for it. And you'll have your life back. I never bothered to ask him how she'll be a better kid and how I'll get my life back while I'm in the kitchen washing and sterilising bottles and spending money on formula...

I have a problem at the moment because I have a new nephew (less than 2 weeks) and I can see so many thngs his mum does that I would do differently (like giving him a dummy from day 1, spacing out his feeds, only BFing him once a night, etc. But I have to let them do it their way if I want to be a part of his life. I don't want them to resent me for being condescending (is that the right word). I'm also worried that my criticism might make them more stubborn about doing things their way. I want them to feel free to aks me for advice, should they ever need it. I am however very happy, that they let him co-sleep at night. I'm especially happy because I know my brother is infatuated with his son, and this way he gets lots of extra cuddles when he comes homw from work. Actually, it sounds like he has bonded much better with the boy than the mother has....

Anyway, enough of a rant,...
I hope you can find a way to remain friends with these people if that is what you want. Maybe one day, when the emotion of this situation is not high, take her aside and just say to her: "Look, I have tried hard - against my instincts, not to judge you and criticise you for your parenting choices and I would appreciate it if you showed me the same respect because we all do what we think is the best for our children and ourselves, based on the information we have at hand" I would offer her to lend her some books if she wants to understand why you do things the way you do (not to change her mind, but to understand your perspective).
Maybe approaching it from such a dry view point will let her see that she was unfair to you. But I don't think anything you can say will make her change her mind.

Good luck with everything.
Sasa

[sunshine_sieben]

Oh my god, sorry for the long post. I hadn't realised how much I was rambling on and on...

[Rahjah]

Hah LOL no it was great, no worries. I replied to u on the other thread too but just wanted to say- i SO get the 'convenience' thing. To me, so many people's parenting choices seem to be geared at making the child convenient.

Kids aren't. They're not supposed to be. Go get a pot plant if you want convenience

[Becci]

Love the pot plant lol!!!

[sunshine_sieben]

ROFL, love the pot-plant, too. But you gotta water that, which can be VERY inconvenient (I have managed to kill many a "hardy" plant). So maybe silk flowers are even better :-)

Sasa