I kind of agree with Kate. There are so many factors that make up 'parenting' and so many things we do as parents that affect our children. Perhaps parents who regularly use CIO with their babies/children also have other practices or attitudes that place their children's needs as secondary to their own (adult) needs??? So maybe those parents are actually doing a whole range of things that add up over time to teach their children that their needs are less important and that there is no comfort (or not much) when they are upset.
It's hard to argue against the 'they turned out fine' because we don't have a clone child/adult who wasn't left to CIO to compare to. I wonder if there are any twin studies on this? (where one twin is raised one way and the other twin the other).
I actually have no idea if I was left to CIO or not! Will have to ask my mum. We do have a close relationship but she has never tolerated tears for long. I can have a bit of a cry and then she tells me to stop crying and moves me into problem-solving mode. On the other hand, DP was not left to CIO ever yet he is not particularly close to his mum although they do get along. She is not easy to connect to emotionally imo. Go figure.
My mum said we CIO sometimes but we also most of the time went to bed and settled ourselves.
I think I am alright. I might be sensitive to some things but I think that is my personality. I always felt loved by my parents and had and still have a close relationship with my mum.
I can remember if I had a nightmare, I wouldnt just be left to cry (I only really CIO when I was a bub & I dont remember being a bub), my mum would come in or I would run through the hallway carefully to make sure no crocodiles got my feet and tell my mum and she would always come and tuck me in and sing me "Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens" song from Sound of Music and that would be a comfort to me.
ETA- Kaz- I can remember as a teenager, my mum would go into problem solving mode as well, but I always felt loved. Thats just how she dealt with things I guess.
I too like Barb have memories of being really scared at night from nightmares / imaginings / but being (even more) scared to disturb my parents. I would stand at their bedroom door hoping they would wake up without me bothering them (these are probably memories from 3-4yrs old), and I also clearly remember times being treated impatiently, annoyed and cross (sometimes even yelled at) for waking up at night, sometimes even when sick, and especially if it was whilst my parents were awake in the evening - I guess they really wanted their evenings without the kids. I know I was left to CIO as a young baby as my mother and father told me they did this with me, and suggested that I should be doing it with DD when she was no more than 3 or 4 months old - the "you need to give them some tough love otherwise they'll never learn" attitude. Needless to say I don't have any conversations with my parents at all about parenting.
I can tell you that the above - combined with my mother and father's parenting style as a whole - has impacted me greatly. I have recently been diagnosed with a serious mental illness that has been going on since my teens and I'm just finding the courage to talk about it now. It's a personality disorder that is very clearly linked to your upbringing (as many personality disorders are). So... I want to say that I believe the CIO has played it's part but it is not the only thing nor could I ever view it in isolation.
This is not judgement on anyone else's parenting techniques or styles - just simply an observation of my own upbringing. The fact that my parents were prepared to use CIO with me and my siblings as babies I feel was and is completely indicative of and congruent with the parenting style my parents chose or perhaps even grew into. It was harsh and unforgiving more often than not. Perhaps it's as much to do with being a sensitive person as I know I am, perhaps it's that the way I have been parented has "grown" me into a much more sensitive person - the old nature versus nurture argument. What I can say is that the nurture side was lacking and I know where I am now.
I think it is so very difficult to measure the impact in isolation, but - as in my case - my parents used CIO as a technique along with many other less gentle parenting techniques as I grew up, and I can honestly say that I believe that CIO played it's part in who I am now, no matter how small and how unmeasurable/immeasurable that part may be.
But... that's just me...
Thanks Heaven for starting a really interesting thread
Last edited by Acacia; January 16th, 2010 at 08:17 PM.
I was a CC and CIO baby and while I didn't have developmental issues, and don't remember negativity as a toddler, I have depression that rears its head most strongly when triggered by feelings of abandonment, I am way too dependent on my mother's company now that I am older, I cannot keep up a relationship because I never believe that I could be worth that person's time or energy... And these all sound like things I could easily attribute to being made to cry alone with no-one seeming to care.
So I refuse to do it.
But I may be wrong :P
To be honest I have little recollection of my toddlerhood .
I remember being about 8 yrs old and calling out to mum as I felt sick through the night, and she'd come and do whatever she had to do all in a caring way (although reaction time was a bit slow ) - but I've never been close with my parents (like hugging etc), we talk and communicate often etc - but I recall not much hugging / affection growing up. I feel that has affected me now - I rarely make a 'first move' to show affection to DH, I don't know why - but I certainly show affection to my kids.
Sorry I'm probably a bit off topic here, sorry heaven!
I agree it's really impossible to know how one particular part of parenting can affect a child. And it depends on the child too, I'm sure.
I wasn't left to CIO. Because I was the good baby that slept well and wasn't good at crying for attention.
My brother was more needy. He was not settled or as good a sleeper. He wanted (no, needed) attention in the night. He was left to CIO from a very early age. Frankly, it shows. He has a low sense of self worth and depression.
I wasn't welcome in my parents bed at night. I was shooed away and I remember that. I remember feeling that I was on my own and that I couldn't go to my parents when I needed reassurance. One reason that I will never leave DS alone in distress is that I never want him to feel that he can't come to us when he needs to.
I think my mum parented this way because she believed it was best. hi ngs change as we got older and I feel really close to her now.
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and tell my mum and she would always come and tuck me in and sing me "Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens" song from Sound of Music and that would be a comfort to me.
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) - but I've never been close with my parents (like hugging etc), we talk and communicate often etc - but I recall not much hugging / affection growing up. I feel that has affected me now - I rarely make a 'first move' to show affection to DH, I don't know why - but I certainly show affection to my kids.
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