Suggestions for getting a toddler to eat dinner

[skeetaboat]

Hi everyone.. I need some gentle parenting/attachment parenting advice, & thought this might be the place to ask

My 2.5 year old DS has started refusing to eat dinner, then later in the evening he asks for food. We do try to cook the things he likes but he just doesn't like veggies at all, no matter how we cook them. We have a general rule of no food after 3:00pm so he has a good appetite for dinner (dinner is between 5 & 6pm)

Tonight he was having an 'outside bath' in one of those blue clam shell sand-pit/wading pool thingys (he LOVES outside baths). It was so nice out that we decided to have dinner outdoors too. We got him sitting up at the table but he refused to eat. We said, "ok, no more bath". He still refused. DH said 'OK. If you don't eat your dinner I'll tip the bath out and we'll go inside". DS still refused to eat. DH tipped the water out. DS was so upset that he was a nightmare all evening until he finally fell asleep. He was tired, but I think the forceful/no compromise way we dealt with it contributed to how upset he was. He has had this kind of reaction before with similar parenting tactics (I made him stay inside for 5 minutes after he turned the water tank on when he's not allowed to).

Normally we don't parent like this and are much more compromising and gentle. When he engages in negative behaviour we explain why he can't do something, use gentle redirection, distraction, ignore it, etc. Up until now this style has worked really well for us. He is a lovely child who rarely does 'naughty' things. Lately, however, his behaviour has been more challenging and it's been more difficult to use gentle parenting methods to correct (or perhaps I should say that we're short on gentle parenting ideas), hence our experimentation with more strict and less compromising responses. He just became a big brother 2 months ago and i think this is definitely a factor in the increase in negatvie behaviour. It's also probably his age too as he starts to assert himself and test the boundaries.

His terrible reactions to our more strict parenting have made me feel so unsure of what to do and I'm now questioning myself. Is he reacting so badly because he's not used to hard and fast consequences? Do we need to continue giving consequences so that he learns that sometimes there are consequences in life? If we do continue will he adjust and learn to accept consequences and stop becoming so upset? Or will it just damage his trust in us and make him feel sad that we don't care about his feelings? Does it really matter if he doesn't eat dinner sometimes and has yogurt instead? Is it worth making a rule about it when it makes him so upset and makes the whole household stressed out? My mum forced me to eat veggies when I was little and I *hated* her for it, and I still remember how miserable and horrible I felt that she didn't care that they made me gag.

I should point out that it's not like he's never experienced consequences. He knows that if he is rough with his toys I will take them away or if he doesn't eat his lunch he doesn't get a treat, etc, but as a general rule we don't use punishments to stamp out negative behaviour.

So... I'd love to hear thoughts from other gentle parenting/attachment parenting perspectives... what would you do? What do you think? Any input is appreciated.
Thanks

[Early Kids]

Have you tried making dinner fun??

I bought Brendan (2y8m) a plate that has 4 compartments that each have a lid (Baby Einstein i think) and every time I serve dinner up in that he at least attempts to eat it. Put the same food on a flat plate and it hardley gets touched.

*ETA* he loves the idea of a "surprise" when opening the lid, it's kinda cute to watch too hehe

[Nelle]

I find that our 3 year old is just way too tired at dinner time to be hungry. So we do dinner at lunch. Not always, but often, because today we did dinner at dinner time and he barely touched his food. He just wants a bath, a drink, and bed.

So, the way I ideally do it is serve their good hearty meal at lunchtime, and then if all he eats for dinner is a quarter of a sandwich and a serve of yoghurt, that's fine by me. I'm guessing as he gets older and isn't so dramatically tired at dinnertime we'll be able to do dinner at dinnertime again.

[skeetaboat]

Thanks Sally & Nelle, they're both great ideas.

After writing it all down & thinking about it, I've realised that the main reason I'm concerned is not because he's not eating dinner sometimes (he does eat a healthy varied diet overall).. it's more that he's reacting *so* badly to consequences.. I don't know if it's soemthing I should be worried about? Are we spoiling him by not giving him enough & creating a child who thinks everything should go his way? Or is it that the consequences are too harsh and inconsistent with what he's used to..?

Is it his behaviour that needs correcting, or our approach??

[sneakysparkle]

I read in a gentle parenting book recently that meal times is NOT the time to get all strict and put up a fight - because then it just ends up being a power struggle. And no-one wants that with a 2.5yr old!

I guess I'm lucky because DD#1 has always been a really good eater - loves veggies, loves salad etc.

I like Nelle's idea of dinner at lunch!

Youre doing a great job hope you find something that works for you & your family

ETA - I think consistency really is the key - he will keep testing the boundaries till he knows there is a clear & consistent line. That clear consistent line is what gives them security and confidence!

[Nelle]

With the responding, is that a time thing again?

For example, we really reinforce the rules during the day - in the morning, if I ask him not to do something and tell him if he does it again he will have to sit on the chair, he sits on the chair, by himself, for about 2 minutes.
If it's 5:30 and it's the same scenario, then he sits on the chair but maybe is allowed to take a toy or book, or only sits on it for 1 minute - because while I like to be consistent, when they're tired isn't the time to push the issue or teach something new.

So I guess I'm wondering if he's responding dramatically to any negative consequences moreso as the day wears on? I know both our kids are markedly less resilient as the day wears on. So we just don't choose our battles at the end of the day.

[skeetaboat]

Sneakysparkle, it makes lot of sense not to pick battles at dinner. Do you think it's ok to let him have other foods after he refuses dinner? This is what we *were* doing, but then we noticed that if he didn't like what was on offer for dinner, he would just refuse it knowing that there were other things to eat. He even started refusing dinners that he had previously eaten quite well. I have made sure that the other foods he can have aren't anything special but are at least somewhat nutritious (usually yogurt, fruit or a sandwich) but he does like all of those foods and they're obviously more appealing than dinner to him at the moment. Maybe we need to make the foods he's allowed to have after dinner even more plain & less appealing, like plain dry biscuits?? But if he continues to forgo dinner, that wont be a good long term approach. Would love to know other people's dinner 'policies' (for want of a better word)....

I *love* the dinner at lunch idea. I can't see him eating veggies at lunch, but I'll give it a go & see what happens.

Nelle, you're right.. both of those incidences have been later in the day. That's probably what has brought on the meltdowns rather than his inability to accept consequences.. I don't know why that didn't dawn on me earlier!!