"To Tame or to Trust?" Gentle parenting article about toddlers

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Attachment parent here who uses day care. Nowt wrong wi' that. DS is 90% of the time an absolute angel but given that he's only just 2 we know it won't be for much longer - and I'm thrilled that he trusts us enough to test boundaries and spread his wings. But then I let him get muddy because I think he learns and I know he enjoys it.

I don't agree with this automatic assumption that daycare is detrimental, it can be very beneficial particularly for the social aspect.

[paradise lost]

I don't agree with this automatic assumption that daycare is detrimental, it can be very beneficial particularly for the social aspect.

I don't think it's saying that daycare is detrimental, just that it's not strictly Attachment Parenting to use daycare. In the same way as it's not strictly Gentle Discipline to use time-outs, but many of us do, and still consider ourselves to be using GD.

I personally fail to see the benefit of the "social aspect" of daycare over DD being with me doing our normal stuff. It kind of assumes that the primary carer and people one encounters in normal life don't "count" as people. It's not that i think it's detrimental, i just see it as benign - neither better or worse.

Bx

[LimeSlice]

I personally fail to see the benefit of the "social aspect" of daycare over DD being with me doing our normal stuff. It kind of assumes that the primary carer and people one encounters in normal life don't "count" as people. It's not that i think it's detrimental, i just see it as benign - neither better or worse.

Bx

I can absolutely see the social aspect to day care! Charlotte needs to learn how to interact with other CHLDREN, not just the people in our immediate circle, which unfortunately (and why I see the need for C to go to cc VERY soon) is VERY small. And the children I do know that are her age are quite frankly, not people I want her learning how to behave from iykwim!

Charlotte is wonderfully social, she is accepting of people and wary although not scared of people she doesnt know. All in all she is doing fantastically with her socialisation. Yet I still recognise the need for her to be with other children and not just me all the time.

I think all that is highly dependent on individual circumstance though. I see my mothers group very rarely. I know you are planning on having other kids, where as we arent, so I feel it is important that she learn how to share and play with another child successfully very early. As I said we dont have a large circle of friends with kids her age here in Perth, but if we did I would consider cc to be much less important from that social perspective.

I certainly disagree though that the assertion of cc for social reasons implies we are not people. It simply indicates quite accurately that mum is not 15 other children. Their interactions are completely different, and incomparable imo.

[KatieRabbit]

Thanks for the article Neenee- a great read.
Limeslice, I can't agree with all that you have said and although people's circumstances vary, there are still some commonly held beliefs about children and socialisation.
[QUOTECharlotte needs to learn how to interact with other CHLDREN][/QUOTE] Yes she does eventually but she doesn't just now at her age. Your immediate family is fine- even if it is just you or your partner.

Yet I still recognise the need for her to be with other children and not just me all the time

What is wrong with being with 'just' you all of the time? This is actually all that she wants and needs at her age.

I feel it is important that she learn how to share and play with another child successfully very early

She will learn to share and play at the time that is right for her. this usually happens around the age of 3 or 4. Being made to do so any earlier is neither wise nor helpful to her development.
She really doesn't need interactions at this age- she really needs her mum to be around her. She will learn from you and how you interact in the supermarket, on the phone, at the bank etc more than from any other child.
Please don't think I am picking on you. It just really intrigues me why people put children into care for 'socialisation' reasons when childcare doesn't offer this to a child at this age. It is a real misunderstanding of the psychological needs of the child.

[Visitor8]

I have found family day care great for a few reasons. They learn to thrive in an environment that isn't home where I am They are with me almost 24/7 so it's great that they can do things without me and learn to be independent that way. Also I am liking the fact that they are learning that while one thing is ok with me it isn't with Helen their carer, and that she is the boss of her own home and they must respect that. There are many benifits to day care (having said that I am a new user as of this month and only my 2 oldest children)
Katie I have to disagree with your comment regarding sharing. At a young age kids CAN learn to share and it can be benificial My boys were 14 months apart and by the time Chase was moving at 5 months Jaidan was sharing his toys and they grew up sharing with eachother and other kids. At 5 and almost 4 they are happy to share and since the age of 2 and 3 they used to tell other kids "sharing is caring" which was very cute!

Great article

[Ezz]

Yes they can "share" etc (I have been teaching my friend's 2 yo who I babysit). The day that I work, I leave DS with my friend (the one whose daughter I mind - we do a swap). I agree that kids love to be around other kids - my DS loves the day that Simone comes over, or that he goes over to her place.

But, I don't agree that sending them to childcare is the way to do this. What about playgroup or Mums' group? We go to both - so DS can interact with other kids, but not be left without me. I don't want my DS to be looked after by strangers at his age. For better or for worse, his parenting will be a reflection of me - not CC.

[fionas]

I THINK I like/agree with the article but I found it a bit vague.

I use "no" sparingly with DD for a lot of reasons:

a) I think it's good that she experiments. Yes, I let her switch the bedroom light on and off before bed even though it means that she stands on a chest of drawers to do it and pushes me away so I can't stand too close to her.

b) She is too young to understand the reason why I'm saying "no" half the time so I tend to use distraction. Though, ironically (as it's one of the examples that the author uses) I DO say no when she spills water on the floor because we have a concrete floor and it's dangerous because she goes flying and babies' heads and concrete floors are a bad combo. I do try to teach her why and say, "no spilling, spilling slippy" with a few flailing arm actions to demonstrate and get her to help me clean up. But after that happened five times in as many minutes, I may just restrict her to only drinking from a cup in her high chair. No, I'm not going to run a bath every time she has a spill and we don't have a backyard hose.

As for the CC debate, I too think the socialisation thing is a furphy at this age. I take DD to Mothers Group and a playcentre. DD is very friendly to the adults, will wave her little hand off, go up to them, start pointing to her nose, their nose, everyone's noses but is not very interested in the other toddlers. We are lucky enough to qualify for a in-home carer who also works at a childcare centre and when I raised the issue of socialisation with her and what age should we start introducing DD to childcare for socialisation, even she said it was pointless at this age and to wait until DD is two or three. I'm not against CC - I use it because I have to as well but my reasons are financial/sanity not for DD's socialisation.