Tantrums!

[Lucy]

Froofy,

I am sorry to read that you don't feel welcome. And very sorry to see that you feel like your parenting style is being judged.

I can assure you that the essense of BellyBelly is to be gentle on parents as well as children, so it sad that you feel this way.

[froofy]

Thank you Lucy. It just really upsets me. We all do things differently. I feel that whatever I do with the kids, it's always mindful and purposeful. I was beaten by my parents, and vowed I'd always be a gentle parent, so to be made to feel my ways are not gentle is a slap in the face. I have a five year old, three step kids (oldest is 12) and have an associate diploma in child studies, and have worked with kids for around ten years before I became a mum, in many different capacities, in child care, as a nanny, in a refuge with the children there, in a detox unit with the children who lived in with their mums, etc.

I don't like to share too often my background, as I feel ALL parents have something to contribute, regardless of how much or how little prior experience a parent has.

I just think it's best I go, I've been dissatisfied here for a while, and I don't want to cause problems

[Lucy]

Froofy,

I understand your decison, and appreciate you sharing your background with us.

If there is anything you would like to discuss offline with regard to the things you have felt dissatisfied about, please feel free to email or PM me.

[froofy]

Thanks Lucy.

[BellyBelly]

I just wanted to add froofy that my post wasn't an attack on your parenting or you as a person, but my own response to a comment made, nothing sinister intended - I don't like to cause arguments for the sake of being a right or wrong answer, because there is none. Obviously it doesn't help things that you have some deeper issues in your own childhood, as to why you parent the way you do, so I can see how offence could be taken if you felt you were being anything but gentle to your children. Isn't it amazing that our childhood has such an effect on how we parent our own children, and what we remember?

That is why I have added guidelines on the gentle parenting forums in each gentle parenting forum. I intend to keep this as gentle as possible in here, in order to make the gentle parenting forums valid. What people interpret as gentle parenting varies - some people will say they have had a natural birth yet had forceps or an epidural, but because it was a vaginal birth, it was natural. That is their interpretation. Some people will think they are gentle parenting for the simple reason that they love their child more than anything in the world (of course we all do!), and that's gentle to them. So what we interpret as being under these 'labels' varies.

I have noticed that whenever I seem to post a gentle topic or reply, you are often not in agreeance with me, that is fine, we both have our own views and we both are mature adults who can discuss them. You are always welcome to post in the general baby and toddler discussion with whatever issues and get varied responses, but these gentle parenting forums are for those who want support and responses for gentle parenting - it's going to get a different response in here than other forums for those who want a gentle opinion. To me, what I often think is when doing something to a child, would we like it for ourselves? So when I see, ignore a frustrated child, I see, would I like to be ignored if I were frustrated? What happens when I am frustrated and being ignored? Do I learn it doesn't work to be frustrated? No because I still get frustrated to this day as an adult! So why put our kids through that? And then, would I be happy if she treated me like that? 'Mummy I don't like how you are treating me / talking to me / acting so I will ignore you.' They pick this stuff up and learn how to treat others by how we treat them. As I have mentioned many a time, whenever I am sick, crying, etc. Marisa is a FAR better comforter than John and uses the loving phrases that I do, strokes my hair, kisses me, tells me it will be okay. So if instead she thought I was seeking attention and ignored me, that would make me very sad.

I feel in the majority of support mediums that my choices as a parent aren't supported, hence I started these gentle parenting forums. Sadly, I have even posted on BellyBelly in the past and felt my ideas were challenged (and they still are!) - some people will still post and say that no, routines are best, this is better, that is better - so I created a place where I can talk to those on the same wavelength as myself. I never attack anyones parenting style, but like those who control cry and are sick of those telling them it's not right, I too am frustrated that I don't have a place to express my gentle parenting views and others tell me it isn't right.

[Sweetie]

I still think you can't reason to a child in the middle of a tantrum, reason all you want when there finished, but I still say ignore them when they're screaming, kicking ect.

Mary

[BellyBelly]

My daughter never does the screaming and kicking bit, she has tantrums but not to that extreme. I like to prevent it before it gets to that and distraction or removing her from the problem has always worked really well for me, but perhaps not others. There is an article on the main site: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/toddle...no-to-tantrums about minimising the tantrums and avoiding them, I might have already posted it in this thread, but hopefully we can all learn what triggers those tantrums and avoid them in the first place.

[Rouge]

I have to agree with Kelly, Paris has never done that either and we do pretty much the same technique. I try really hard to spot what causes the tantrum, or what mood she's in that could result in a tantrum (ie. tired, cranky etc). I always tell her its ok to be upset, and ask her if she wants me to stay or go, and she'll usually tell me either way. And if she wants me to stay I'll ask her if she wants me to sit put my hand on her or just sit next to her. And I'll say to her that once she's calmed down we'll talk about it or do x. And we always DO talk about it. People have always told me that she's too little to understand or that she's not going to hear me in a tantrum, but amazingly she has. And as a result she never had many tantrums about anything she has learnt that communicating the problem (which we do after the tantrum) works best through example. AND I am known for tantrums myself LOL! Poor DH will cop it if I'm in a bad mood, or I'm trying to do something and its not working and I'm stressed, or whatever the situation is. And I always apologise for my behaviour after a tantrum and I'll analyse why I reacted that way and try and sort it out. I think she's learnt this too, because if she does get upset easily about something she'll tell me she's sorry if she yells or she'll ask to have a nap becuase she'll realise that her reaction is because she's tired etc.

I like her to feel safe when she loses control of her emotions, but I also like to offer solutions to try and prevent that reaction in the future and also try to help her to understand that whilst its ok to feel frustrated having a spack attack isn't going to help her or her situation. And she's got that. But I can't be completely unreasonable because I think that would be unfair considering I'm not perfect and neither is DH, we all have emotional outbursts at times, some more than others. But its how we deal with the situation afterwards that is most important as not only does it help us deal with how we feel, or what caused it, but also helps ourselves to prevent reacting that way in the future.

AND no two children are the same So who knows what techniques I'll need to adapt with my next child. Ask me in 2 yrs But I still think that regardless there is always a gentle approach.

*hugs*
Cailin

[Melinda]

Does anybody think that their child has tantrums because of frustration? I think ATM we are having a lot because Jacob's not talking and can't communicate what he wants and I don't understand what's he trying to tell me IYKWIM?

We are having multiple tantrums a day.....and by that I mean full on ones! He will throw himself on the floor, hit himself in the head with his hands or throw toys/books, cry, yell, scream....you name it.

Distraction is still the best tool but every time I try to distract him, what has worked previously, no longer works! So I'm darting around the room (or outside or wherever we are) trying to distract him with something, stupidly thinking that a book/song/toy/game/chasings etc which distracted him the last time, would have the same effect this time........

And there's only so much distracting I can do during meal times......

The other problem I'm having is that I'm trying to remain calm during all of this and to speak to him calmly when it's happening. I always try telling him that Mummy doesn't know what he needs and he needs to quieten down so that we can work out what he wants. Thing is, how on earth can he possibly HEAR me over all the hullabaloo he's making? I can barely hear myself speak! On top of that, sometimes I think he freaks himself out and forgets why he's having a tantie? Sometimes it just seems to go on endlessly and gets worse and worse and worse and he doesn't seem to know what it is that he wants and he gets thoroughly inconsolable!!

I think he's also at the age where he is developing funny little 'quirks'. The other week I had cut up a piece of toast into 4 squares and put 2 of the squares on the tray of his highchair. Well Jacob totally cracked it. He kept pointing to the other 2 pieces that I had left on the plate and so of course I kept pointing back at what he had on his high chair and telling him that he already had his toast! But what it turned out to be, was that he wanted all 4 bits of toast on his tray right away. He wouldn't eat until all 4 bits were there! LOL

Anyway....some suggestions would be good. Do I continue to try and talk to him calmly in the midst of these horrendously loud and theatrical tantrums, all the while explaining to him why he can't have/do X and then trying to distract him? He's such a determined little critter, just like me LOL Do you think it's frustration and me not understanding what he wants (I've mentioned previously that some of these tanties certainly do stem from hunger, tiredness, thirst etc).

[Angel]

Hey Mel,

Have you thought about maybe teaching Jacob a few baby signs like hungry/thirsty/tired/play etc? I've yet to experience this with Kynan so I have no idea if that would be helpful to you at all though! I'm hoping that by teaching Kynan baby signing that it'll help reduce future tantrums a little.

Good luck!

[Angel]

*bump*

How are you going with this, Mel? Are things any better now?

[Melinda]

We're still having the tantrums but since his sleep has been a bit improved over the past day or two, I think that the tiredness factor behind some of them (which no doubt makes them worse) has been eliminated, and in turn, I feel better able to cope with them and to search for solutions.

I'm still finding them hard, but I do believe there is a HUGE developmental/frustration factor involved. He's a super active little boy who wants to do things as fast as possible and needs to understand WHY things are happening. He gets frustrated very easily if he can't do things or work them out so I think now, when he's on the brink of talking and is trying to tell me something, it gets really frustrating for him when we don't understand right away, what he wants/needs. I'm sure it will pass once he can speak and communicate more effectively.

In the meantime I'll persist with trying to be calm and go through a process of elimination at working out what is behind it (and trying to avoid them in the start by acting promptly on tiredness/hunger/thirst/boredom etc) and obviously providing some distraction (although as I said before, that's hard too LOL).