Teaching my sensitive little girl...

[Heaven]

DD is almost 9 months old and she's such a sensitive little thing!!

She has started pinching and scratching me on the chest when I pick her up and I'm trying to teach her not to. When she does it I say 'Ouch, no don't pinch, that hurts mummy' and move her hand. I don't say it loud or angry or anything at all but she is soooo offended!! LOL. She drops the lip and tears well up in her eyes!! I don't want to upset the poor little thing, just teach her, but I'm really not raising my voice, I don't have a mean expression or anything, wth?

I remember when I was a kid being sensitive too and getting upset if I got into trouble for something and feeling really bad like I was bad and I never want her to feel that way!!

So, any suggestions how I can start to teach her 'No' without upsetting her?

[Lulu]

Darls, she is going to have to learn to hear no. If you are saying it gently but firmly she has to suck it up. There is clearly no intention to make her feel bad or guilty on your part - but it doesn't mean she still doesn't want her own way.

She is training you my darling! Keep going the way you are - DD was the same and we felt a bit bad. Now when she is told off (and knows she can't get away with it), she dissolves into tears and does this drama princess fling herself onto the bed. When they are older you can hear the fake cry as opposed to the real ones .

[Snacks]

Hmmm... That's tough! Do you think she really thinks she is in trouble? Or is she upset because you are essentially 'taking away' the thing she wants? (i.e. by moving her hand). I think you are doing/saying exactly the right thing. Just reassuring cuddles when she looks upset, I would think... Good luck!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

We used 'gentle' instead of 'no'.

I think because I have a bit of a background in CC I try to lend it to my parenting too much. I do not like using 'no' / 'don't' and I focus on positive 'I' messages ('It makes Mummy upset when you hit her, can you kiss it better?) - that hasn't really worked until now but he jumps all over us and sometimes gets over excited and hits.

But at the age your LO is we just used words rather than sentences - 'gentle' or 'pat nicely'.

[Nelle]

It's hard isn't it. We used 'gentle' and showed them what we meant by gentle, getting them to rub us on the arm with their hand. As a result, I have two little boys who go from punching each other to patting each other when they realise I'm watching.

[Tish]

She drops the lip and tears well up in her eyes!!

My DS is exactly the same - that little face just melts my heart. We try to do the not saying no thing and will just say "Gentle" or whatever, eventually they learn. You could even show her what gentle is with a gentle touch when you are saying it. We have to do this because he is so rough with our cat, and he did pick it up eventually.

On a side note, we were all in the lounge together when our cat started scratching the carpet and DH and I turned around and both said "NO!" quite loudly, and DS just looked at us like "OMG what on earth did I do that was so wrong" the bottom lip dropped to the floor and there were tears everywhere. We felt so bad!! Poor little buddy

Tish
x

[Heaven]

Yeah, I do that too, say 'gentle' and take her hand and show her what I mean.

In the last couple of weeks she's started having some little tantrums (which btw I was not ready for! lol, expected that that came much later! I suppose they'll just get worse) about things like if I take something off her that she's not supposed to have. So she'll scream and cry and yell at me. But this is just a frustrated "I really wanted to have that, Mum" cry and more like she's just yelling at me for being sooo mean to her, lol. There is no tears.

But with the pinching thing she gives me the lip and tears well up in her eyes and it's more like 'you've really hurt my feelings now mum!' and she cuddles up to me. And that's why it makes me feel bad. The other ones where she's just yelling at me and frustrated I just think 'Oh well, you'll have to learn that there's things you can't do/have'. Whereas this makes me feel bad like I've upset her and I don't know if it's ok!

She does the pinching when feeding too and I don't want to upset her then bc she gets too upset and won't feed!

She just did it again and I think she especially doesn't like it when I say 'Ouch!', no idea why?

Thanks for all the advice guys!

[Tish]

When I'm taking something off DS I'll usually try to distract him with something more fun first - I figure this is a good strategy until I can explain to him what's going on. Otherwise it is the end of the world as we know it.

How is she pinching when she's feeding? DS will pinch the other nipple unless I hide it, and he also slaps the boob he's feeding on. I've recently found out both of these behaviours assist in let down/addition let downs, so I tend to let him get away with it a bit more (not the tweaking tho, that hurts!).

Know what you mean about the tantrums - they started at about 9 months for us now and I remember thinking "Doesn't this come along at 2 or something? What the!?".

All fun and games

[Jennifer13]

Heaven, I know you feel bad, but let me tell you, with a three and a half year old who still gets a bit rough with her fingers when she's feeding, she really needs to learn you mean business.

My DD was distraught when a little baby and I said Ouch! the first time she hurt me (unexpectedly) while bfing. The look on her little face was sooo upsetting! I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that this is when they are at their most secure in your arms, peaceful and happy, and your discomfort sort of comes as a shock? But if you have a natural fiddler you need to find a balance between her realising that you need to enjoy the moment as much as her. See if you can distract her by playing with her fingers, give her your hand, or find something she can touch/fiddle with/pinch that doesn't hurt you.

So 'gentle' and move her hand straight onto what she's 'allowed' to touch instead. It has kind of worked with DD, although I'm wishing I'd found an alternative to my belly button...

[Shanti]

I find the word "gentle" helps too.... I have been using this alot more than the word 'no' as it seems to have a better effect on my DD.... she pinches and scratches at times too (just must be the age!) and when playing with her little friends sometimes she can get a bit rough like she'll grab at their face and at their eyes and I have to keep saying "gentle" and remove her away from the other little one....she's very social but doesnt' mean to hurt obviously!

Ikwym about the tantrums when you take something away..... I thought that came later! Once they were 12mths+ !
I make sure I always have something else to give her if I'm going to take something off her.