What do you do when your child says "No"?

[briggsy's girl]

We don't often get NO in response to things like going out in the car so I guess it comes down to the scenario. If its a pressing "need" situation, like going out, we ask why, then explain why she still needs to do it. Like going shopping. If we don't go shopping there will be no food for dinner. She is pretty cruisy like that

With clean up its different. If she wants something, drink or food, she must return her plate it cup to the bench. It's been something we've said forever. She knows if she doesn't there us no more of whatever she asks. She will often say no, mummy/ daddy do it. We respond with something along the lines if mummy/daddy bring their stuff you need to bring yours over. With toys she is given lots of opportunity to clean up. If its not done by the time the vac comes out it goes in the charity box. We will help but not do it all

Every child is different though. You need to work out what works for your child. If reasoning works it is fantastic, but if it doesnt you have to find something that does. I believe onyx making reference to planning charts may relate to what many of us has heard is successful for kids on the spectrum. I've seen it work, I've heard numerous success stories. But it's not something I've had to implement myself.

[Jellyfish]

My DD1 has speech issues so she only just worked out no and I think part of it is the novelty of seeing how much control/independence they have. When DD1 says no than I do as others have suggested and explain why we need to do something eg. if she is resisting a nappy change than I will explain if we leave the nappy on too long then her bottom will get red and sore, we also try to give options like she can have no nappy if she wants to try using the toilet. If she doesn't want to get dressed than we emphasise her picking the clothes, doesn't want to get in the car even after explaining where we are going and why then I ask her to choose the music or if we are going to the shops then I ask her what fruit she would like this week etc so she is still getting some sense of decision making within the process. This has worked for us.

[Phteven]

Lol, I'm raising children not robots so of course they say no but TBH it doesn't distress me. We all need to do stuff that we don't want to do sometimes - I don't enjoy getting out of bed at 6am every Sunday all winter or sitting around swimming pools or attending assembly but I do it anyway and my children just need to learn that they too are expected to do stuff when they would rather not.

[Beach Mama]

Mmmm my kids aren't autistic but I find that giving them an option where the answer can't be NO can help at times. Doesn't always work but it might be a response like "Well we HAVE to go in the car - so do you want me to help you or can you climb up yourself"

So then the outcome will be that we have to get in the car, but they have some say over how it happens? Does that make sense. Other examples are if they don't want to get ready for bed - do you want me to brush your teeth or do it yourself and I repeat it if they say no again, until I distract them enough to make a choice. That way they gain some control over the situation but the outcome is the one I need at the time. There are some times when you are going to have to make him do stuff, and that means that all you can do is pre-plan as Onyx mentioned as in my experience a lot of the stresses for ASD kids is a change in routine, the unknown etc , explain to the best of his ability to understand WHy something is happening but even then there might be times when he doesn't understand why he can't stay home alone etc. I don't think it's disrespectful, particularly as you are trying hard to make him understand and put things in place to assist him but the reality is for all kids ( and adults) is that sometimes we have to do things we would rather not do. xoxo

[meow]

Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned he has autism as it's not relevant to this thread- I was just trying to give background as to why this is a new problem for us. I'm not really sure what age it normally becomes something you deal with.

I find that giving them an option where the answer can't be NO can help at times. Doesn't always work but it might be a response like "Well we HAVE to go in the car - so do you want me to help you or can you climb up yourself"

This is what I do, so that he had the choice but if he needs me to do it for him then that's the choice he made.

I just wanted to hear what people do from a gentle parenting perspective because it crosses the line of treating a person with autonomous respect sometimes, but at the same time I think being too submissive or wishy-washy as a parent isn't helpful for children either.

[HotI]

This is what i struggle with- if i am going to make the child do x anyway, it feels wrong to be 'humouring' them that they have a say over everything. My DD says 'no' lots, and i still working out the best way.

[Beach Mama]

Do you not think that the autism is part of it though?? Genuine question, I deal with a lot of kids while teaching who are on the spectrum and even with the training I have had I still learn more all the time. My understanding is that child who are on the spectrum to fixate at times on things as you mentioned and this might be an extension of that?? Might be way off, sorry just trying to understand - I realise that all kids say no at times but the way we deal with them, and they way they respond all varies on each childs needs. (Speaking as a parent and a teacher).

ETA: Hot1 - I don't feel that I am humouring them to have a say, but I am firmly saying that something needs to be done and there are 2 ways about it - they can either choose which way they want to do it or I can but either way XYZ situation is about to occur!

[Traveller]

My daughter is the worst of my children for saying no, but TBH we don't have an issue with things like them refusing to go into the car, etc. If it is something like dinner that one of them are refusing, then I give them a choice in the situation. For example I might say "you can eat dinner with us then watch TV, or you can go into your room and miss dinner but there will be no TV tonight". That way they are choosing for themselves, and they usually pick the thing that they were previously saying no to. A refusal to go to bed might result in "you can go to bed now and have a story, or you can refuse and I will put you in your bed without a story". So no real choice other than the choice to cooperate or not but 9 times out of 10 it works.

In other aspects of their lives I give them a lot more choice and I find that this has stopped a lot of the "no" reactions, especially from my daughter. So to daycare she often wears a fairy dress and gum boots. Or she might decorate her skin with her new pens instead of drawing on paper. I don't worry about things like that and give her a lot of freedom in that respect, so that when I say she has to do something she is more likely to comply because she knows I am not just making rules for the sake of it, if that makes any sense.

[meow]

Do you not think that the autism is part of it though?? Genuine question, I deal with a lot of kids while teaching who are on the spectrum and even with the training I have had I still learn more all the time. My understanding is that child who are on the spectrum to fixate at times on things as you mentioned and this might be an extension of that??

No. When he fixates it's generally a positive attraction TO something, rather than not wanting to do something. Like, at the moment he has 3 matchbox trucks that he has to cart everywhere with him. If I tried to make him go to car without those, then that would be an issue and I'd be dealing with that "fixation" issue then. It would really increase his anxiety and make him feel quite stripped bare to try and do that. But when he's saying "no" about doing something I believe he's responding as any child does.

My understanding of children with autism has changed dramatically from my days as an early childhood teacher to my role now as a parent. I see so much about what is happening in his mind that I never understood before.

[Sagres]

I do different things at different times depending on what she is saying no to, ranging from saying 'that's OK you don't have to' (if it is something that isn't all that important, I think it is important for them to have the ability to say no to some things and that be OK) to giving options, to just outright saying no and explaining that there are some things that we don't like but we have to do anyway etc.. But the car thing and the fish oil thing sound like situations where none of those would work......perhaps you could do a bit of a reward system, like getting stickers for getting into the car and having the fish oil without too many issues, then when you have 5 or 10 stickers getting some kind of bigger reward - outing or special meal?

Another thing you could try is perhaps putting it more in the context of expected ways of doing things that the whole family adhere to, so making it about how everyone one goes about things and not just him. We all go shopping together and get in the car together, that's how our family works, that's how we roll.

Sometimes the explaining about why we just HAVE to do something takes awhile to 'click' for them. DD1 likes to make lots of noise and purposefully wake DD2 up (ummm yeah good one). I can say 'no don't do that' but her 2.5 year old ears don't always catch that I tried explaining that if you are quiet and DD2 is asleep then we can do something together like painting etc. but she still kept waking her up on purpose, but a few weeks (or months!) of reminders about why we don't wake DD2 up and it actually plays to her advantage and we are making progress. So sometimes the explaining is a bit of a chip chip chipping away at them until they 'get' it.

Working out how and when to use what method (and what points you want to negotiate on and what points you don't) can be tricky territory and takes awhile to get your head around. I can see that if you have suddenly been thrust into that position it would be harder to work out than when the situation evolves and you slowly get more and more no's and you slowly develop your 'style' for dealing with them.